My poor blog is so neglected. :-( I'm going to try to hop back into it.
We are settling into civilian life. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the Army. I miss it terribly! This is right for us though. Life is hectic. Hubs is working full time, going to school full time, big girl is in school all day, and I'm home with the two babies. I'm still waiting for that perfect job to open up, but that option seems to be closed for now. I have stopped applying because, well, I don't have anyone to watch the babies if I were to get an interview. Another factor is all the time I would need off for Wesley. Ear infections, surgery, recovery.
We are battling ear infections with Wesley. They haven't stopped since his surgery on Sept 8th. One after the other. It's emotionally exhausting. How can I possibly get a job when I would need to take off every 10 days for a week because of Wesley's ear infections..since he has tubes, they drain...no daycare would allow him to come with draining ears. The longest he's had without an infection is 10 days. It's exhausting. I can't get anyone to give me answers. I'm fighting constantly.
As for Hubs job.. I LOVE IT! We took a 50% pay cut when he took this job... it's hard..50% is a really hard cut, but I've encouraged him to stay where he is. The environment he is in is SO good for him, mentally. He needs the low key atmosphere that he's working in right now. After 8 years of constant stress and the environment he worked in, this job is doing wonders for him. He comes home happy and not stressed. His phone isn't ringing off the hook at all hours. He works 8:00-4:30..awesome hours and he works with great people.
As for Wesley's surgery.......It's tentatively scheduled for Nov 29th. That is all pending whether our supplemental insurance goes through...if it does, then we will be doing it here in Wichita as opposed to Kansas City. It's all up in the air. I don't know what will happen.
I'm carrying the brunt of the load. It is what it is now. With Hubs at work and then either doing homework or studying or in seminars it all falls back on me. I don't think anyone realizes how much of a load I am carrying. Mentally and emotionally. But that is what has to be done right now. All that we are doing now is bettering our future. In a year, two years... things will be much much better.
Blessings are happening though! About a month ago we got a mysterious deposit in our account. We were in the middle of a pay lapse and things were bad. The day before that money came I didn't know what to put in my daughters lunch..didn't even have money to put in her lunch account to eat at school. I was down to nothing in the cupboards. The money showed up as a deposit from the Army... We called the accounting system and they said "we have no record as to why you got that money. We show nothing being paid to you" WOW!!!! I was able to buy groceries and get big girl her lunch an hour before she would have gone hungry!
Then last weekend I was paying bills and I went to check the mail and our water bill came. I opened it up and we owed NOTHING! We had a credit of .81! They show I paid double last month but.. I didn't. Why would I pay twice the amount on a bill?
Did we make the right choice by getting out of the Military? Yes! We are happy! Truly happy! Not happy because we have tons of money. Just... Happy. My husband is less stressed, his memory is getting better as the stress stays low, We are close to family. We are making friends. We are working towards making roots here. It's all good!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Just Because You Can't See It Doesn't Mean It's Not There
All too many times people think that if you come home from war without external injuries you are okay. They say "Count yourself blessed" And we do! Thank God mine and many others I know didn't lose their lives. I've lost many people I know in this war, but let's all remember though that there are injuries you don't see. Injuries that only someone close to that person can see. TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and anxiety issues are a few of the many mental and psychological injuries that can occur while overseas. They are far too often overlooked unless you know someone affected by it.
This blog isn't political, I don't want it to be, I don't do political. Honestly, I haven't decided who I am voting for and I don't give a hoot who you vote for. Let me say one thing though... Please be aware, when someone says they are going to cut Military spending, that isn't just more pay for the Military members. It isn't brand new top of the line trucks. Cutting funds for the Military means that programs that help soldiers and families deal with mental health will be cut. Less funding for those that need help! Less programs available to help the families deal with what their spouse is going through. Programs like that are invaluable. Programs like that save lives. Programs like that save families. Programs like that saved MY family.
The man I am married to today is not the man I married. I know many many people whose story is the same. My husband has a TBI.
Why did that husband walk away from his family at the fair? Why is that man anxiously looking around the restaurant. Why did he make them leave the mall far before his wife or girlfriend was ready? Why can't he remember where he put this or that? Why did he get so mad over such a little thing? Why does that man sitting there look so angry? In a crowded mall you see a man and woman walking together and the woman is visibly anxious... is he beating her? Perhaps she's anxious wondering if her husband is okay..if he's going to need to leave before they've accomplished what they came for...wondering if all the people in the store will cause her husband to feel so anxious that he gets mad.
Before you judge just remember....maybe there's something else going on, far greater than you can imagine.
Let us never forget the wounds and injuries that we can't see. Those that aren't visible to our eyes.
This blog isn't political, I don't want it to be, I don't do political. Honestly, I haven't decided who I am voting for and I don't give a hoot who you vote for. Let me say one thing though... Please be aware, when someone says they are going to cut Military spending, that isn't just more pay for the Military members. It isn't brand new top of the line trucks. Cutting funds for the Military means that programs that help soldiers and families deal with mental health will be cut. Less funding for those that need help! Less programs available to help the families deal with what their spouse is going through. Programs like that are invaluable. Programs like that save lives. Programs like that save families. Programs like that saved MY family.
The man I am married to today is not the man I married. I know many many people whose story is the same. My husband has a TBI.
Why did that husband walk away from his family at the fair? Why is that man anxiously looking around the restaurant. Why did he make them leave the mall far before his wife or girlfriend was ready? Why can't he remember where he put this or that? Why did he get so mad over such a little thing? Why does that man sitting there look so angry? In a crowded mall you see a man and woman walking together and the woman is visibly anxious... is he beating her? Perhaps she's anxious wondering if her husband is okay..if he's going to need to leave before they've accomplished what they came for...wondering if all the people in the store will cause her husband to feel so anxious that he gets mad.
Before you judge just remember....maybe there's something else going on, far greater than you can imagine.
Let us never forget the wounds and injuries that we can't see. Those that aren't visible to our eyes.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Floating Pieces
So here we are..out of the Army.. Civilian life.. and all I want to do is go back to the Army. I am scared to death. I try to not even think about it because when I do I get panicky, I feel like I can't breathe. Just last night I had a dream about having panic attacks. I just don't think about it but it's coming upon the time where I have to start thinking about it. What do we do if jobs don't line up with when our Army paychecks stop? Because of expenses our savings account has been depleated..completely. Like, to the dollar. I am dead serious. It's like someone looked at our bank accounts and then charged us that. When I was told the last amount we had to give up I just looked at Hubs..."are you serious.. that's all we have left" and like the optimist I am I said "well....... at least we have enough to cover it" lol Truck problems, moving expenses that the Army won't cover, unexpected bills, traveling for Wesley's appointments and therapies, ect.
I am so thankful for the month and a half of Army pay we have left but, if you have ever been in the Army, you know how much that is, And those that know my husbands rank know how much we make. (ha) Thankfully it covers our bills, groceries, gas, and some to save because we do live fairly frugal but not near enough where we are "safe" come October if Hubs doesn't have a job to cover us at least a month. I KNOW all the saving tricks. I can save money with the best of em. I developed that talent from my mom. I can make money stretch to where you're head would spin. But when I'm hit with "pay this" "pay that" "opps another $200 here" what am I supposed to do?
Our plan 4 months ago was for both of us to get jobs and with Big girl in school, paying for 2 daycares was doable and we'd be making more than enough...and then lil man was born. I can't go get a normal job right now. I can't work 9-5. I don't trust anyone to know how to care for him, in a daycare setting. I would be taking off 2-3 times a week for appointments and therapies. Then his surgery I would need to take off for..and recovery.. I can't go apply for a job and then ask for 2 days a week off. I could get a night job but then when Hubs gets a PD job and goes to academy he will be gone all week and I'd have to quit. So right now, until I can think of another plan, it's totally up to hubs to provide. Which upsets me. I feel like I'm quitting on my part of our deal. We had a deal and now I can't hold up on my end of it.
Sure, I could do some sales job like Avon or the like but the problem with that is that it isn't a NEED for people. You don't make much and your clients vary. They don't always stay customers. I've walked down that road before and while it's a fun pasttime to do and to make a little spending money, it isn't what we need right now.
I know everything works out. I know in the end it will all work out. But right now I don't know how. We've been told "well be thankful you have two months of pay left to use while you job hunt" yes, we do and we are but if for some reason we have a lapse... we're screwed. We have 3 kids to think about. I will NOT let my kids suffer! My kids don't need to know about the issues we have going on. They shouldn't be deprived of a fun birthday or the backpack she wants. I'll make cuts elsewhere. I'll put a belt over my too big jeans instead of buying new. I'll wear my lounge pants to walmart and be "that" person if I have to. This is not my kids fault. I'm trying to think of creative ways to make money but so far I'm not coming up with much.
I'm scared. I've never been like this before. I've never been so stressed to where I have dreams of having panic attacks and feeling like I can't breathe. I just really really need it all to come together soon. All these puzzle pieces are floating around and nothing is clicking into place. They are just floating and I'm here jumping up trying to catch 1 or 2 and put the puzzle together.
I know it'll all work out. It has to. What other choice is there? But the getting there is torture.
I am so thankful for the month and a half of Army pay we have left but, if you have ever been in the Army, you know how much that is, And those that know my husbands rank know how much we make. (ha) Thankfully it covers our bills, groceries, gas, and some to save because we do live fairly frugal but not near enough where we are "safe" come October if Hubs doesn't have a job to cover us at least a month. I KNOW all the saving tricks. I can save money with the best of em. I developed that talent from my mom. I can make money stretch to where you're head would spin. But when I'm hit with "pay this" "pay that" "opps another $200 here" what am I supposed to do?
Our plan 4 months ago was for both of us to get jobs and with Big girl in school, paying for 2 daycares was doable and we'd be making more than enough...and then lil man was born. I can't go get a normal job right now. I can't work 9-5. I don't trust anyone to know how to care for him, in a daycare setting. I would be taking off 2-3 times a week for appointments and therapies. Then his surgery I would need to take off for..and recovery.. I can't go apply for a job and then ask for 2 days a week off. I could get a night job but then when Hubs gets a PD job and goes to academy he will be gone all week and I'd have to quit. So right now, until I can think of another plan, it's totally up to hubs to provide. Which upsets me. I feel like I'm quitting on my part of our deal. We had a deal and now I can't hold up on my end of it.
Sure, I could do some sales job like Avon or the like but the problem with that is that it isn't a NEED for people. You don't make much and your clients vary. They don't always stay customers. I've walked down that road before and while it's a fun pasttime to do and to make a little spending money, it isn't what we need right now.
I know everything works out. I know in the end it will all work out. But right now I don't know how. We've been told "well be thankful you have two months of pay left to use while you job hunt" yes, we do and we are but if for some reason we have a lapse... we're screwed. We have 3 kids to think about. I will NOT let my kids suffer! My kids don't need to know about the issues we have going on. They shouldn't be deprived of a fun birthday or the backpack she wants. I'll make cuts elsewhere. I'll put a belt over my too big jeans instead of buying new. I'll wear my lounge pants to walmart and be "that" person if I have to. This is not my kids fault. I'm trying to think of creative ways to make money but so far I'm not coming up with much.
I'm scared. I've never been like this before. I've never been so stressed to where I have dreams of having panic attacks and feeling like I can't breathe. I just really really need it all to come together soon. All these puzzle pieces are floating around and nothing is clicking into place. They are just floating and I'm here jumping up trying to catch 1 or 2 and put the puzzle together.
I know it'll all work out. It has to. What other choice is there? But the getting there is torture.
The House
So after Hubs mom and my parents come save the day and we get the "stupid truck" towed to our new house, we get to the house and start unloading, which all went very well..despite a broken cookie jar and my bed being broken, but fixable. And then it started............. Within 2 hours we had two windows break. One was broken when we arrived, a basement window and another was broken while putting in the upstairs AC that the landlord couldn't do because "he didn't have a screwdriver"....... although he was able to do the 2nd AC "without" the screwdriver. We got all settled in that night, all was going well until Hubs says "the AC is going out" of course I didn't believe him because he's normally hot and he likes to whine about the air temperature of rooms so I ignored him............. until 2am when I woke up sweating. Add that into 2 little girls who wouldn't sleep beceause it was a new place and it was a very long night.
I had hoped morning would be better....But I was wrong. That morning the AC was very much dead but thankfully it was a rainy cool morning so with the windows open it wasn't bad. Then the dryer broke....... an hour later..the washer broke. In less than 24 hours we had a broken truck, 2 broken windows, broken AC, broken washer and dryer and a broken banister. I was so close to crawling in a corner and never getting up.
Then I got to looking at the overall condition of the house.. I swear to you the people who lived here before didn't own a mop or broom or have a clue what cleaning was. My wonderful in-laws came over a few days before we got here and did what cleaning they could do with no electricity but there was still SO much to do. The people before us obviously had a big white dog..I know this because of the amount of dog hair I have sucked out of the carpets. After 3 vacuumes I am still sucking up dog hair...and I have a Dyson...yah. The yard was completely trashed. Literal trash in the yard. Hubs was talking to the neighbor and he said that the people before never cleaned anything and Hubs says "yah, I can tell that! The house was filthy" Gross amounts of dirt on all the window ledges, cobwebs everywhere, dog hair on EVERY surface, dirt everywhere, the floors were covered in dirt, someone had been using the toilet while there was no water on so therefore couldn't be flushed..UGH! (ya, I couldn't even make this stuff up) Welcome home, Heres a toilet full of............................ lovely. We would move a curtain and dog hair would just fall down from it. Honestly, it is the dirtiest house I have ever seen. I don't keep a spotless house but I vacuume daily, I keep dust off of surfaces, I wipe down the counters, stove, fridge daily. So along with the normal unpacking, move in suff, I have also had to deep clean an 1800 sq ft house. I am still getting rid of cobwebs.
There will be massive issues if we don't get the deposit back.
And then we couldn't get a copy of the lease. Phone calls, emails, texts..no response. We finally got ahold of them and it was 'in their car' and they would bring it by. So a couple days later they do.... and admit they lost the lease and we needed to sign another........ niiice.
As I'm typing this I have a sinking feeling that I will need all this info at a later date.. say, when I move out.
Our transition to civilian life hasn't been the easiest. It seems no matter where we turn we get hit with another crap-pie in the face. It's been one issue after another for the past 2 months. I don't understand why, maybe I never will understand but I'm trying to hold on and be positive.
I had hoped morning would be better....But I was wrong. That morning the AC was very much dead but thankfully it was a rainy cool morning so with the windows open it wasn't bad. Then the dryer broke....... an hour later..the washer broke. In less than 24 hours we had a broken truck, 2 broken windows, broken AC, broken washer and dryer and a broken banister. I was so close to crawling in a corner and never getting up.
Then I got to looking at the overall condition of the house.. I swear to you the people who lived here before didn't own a mop or broom or have a clue what cleaning was. My wonderful in-laws came over a few days before we got here and did what cleaning they could do with no electricity but there was still SO much to do. The people before us obviously had a big white dog..I know this because of the amount of dog hair I have sucked out of the carpets. After 3 vacuumes I am still sucking up dog hair...and I have a Dyson...yah. The yard was completely trashed. Literal trash in the yard. Hubs was talking to the neighbor and he said that the people before never cleaned anything and Hubs says "yah, I can tell that! The house was filthy" Gross amounts of dirt on all the window ledges, cobwebs everywhere, dog hair on EVERY surface, dirt everywhere, the floors were covered in dirt, someone had been using the toilet while there was no water on so therefore couldn't be flushed..UGH! (ya, I couldn't even make this stuff up) Welcome home, Heres a toilet full of............................ lovely. We would move a curtain and dog hair would just fall down from it. Honestly, it is the dirtiest house I have ever seen. I don't keep a spotless house but I vacuume daily, I keep dust off of surfaces, I wipe down the counters, stove, fridge daily. So along with the normal unpacking, move in suff, I have also had to deep clean an 1800 sq ft house. I am still getting rid of cobwebs.
There will be massive issues if we don't get the deposit back.
And then we couldn't get a copy of the lease. Phone calls, emails, texts..no response. We finally got ahold of them and it was 'in their car' and they would bring it by. So a couple days later they do.... and admit they lost the lease and we needed to sign another........ niiice.
As I'm typing this I have a sinking feeling that I will need all this info at a later date.. say, when I move out.
Our transition to civilian life hasn't been the easiest. It seems no matter where we turn we get hit with another crap-pie in the face. It's been one issue after another for the past 2 months. I don't understand why, maybe I never will understand but I'm trying to hold on and be positive.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
The Beginning of our Civilan life
Well, we are Civilians.. it was a rocky road to get here but here we are. Things were crazy up until... ok, well, they still are crazy.
It started with the whole "oh sorry, transportation can't fit you in so you'll have to do a full DITY move" So I was packing the whole house with 3 kids amongst appointments, therapies, errands, last minute moving things and everything else that comes with being a mom to 3 kids under 5. Somehow I got the house packed..kinda. Then Hubs couldn't get his paperwork signed so he could clear post, they lost another set of papers, nobody wanted to make the Col mad and interrupt him to have him sign the papers so they just wouldn't do it... stuff like that. We finally got everything signed and ready to go so he could start clearing post, 2 days before we were supposed to leave. We also had "stupid truck" issues. We bought a truck from one of Hubs friends a couple months ago, 1500 Chevy, noisy thing.. "peerrrfect shape, just looks ugly" SO we bought it and since have spent $600 on it... and about to spend $300 more at this very moment (but thats another story) So 2 days before we leave "stupid truck" dies... So we get it into the shop and "Mario" tells us it'll be done in a day and "thats the last problem you'll ever have with this truck..I fix it for good" yaaaaaahhhhh
Two days before we leave we start loading up... Some of Hubs soldiers came over and helped us and everything went great. We stayed one last night in our apartment and planned to spend Saturday cleaning and loading up our storage unit. Ya, didn't quite happen like that. For some reason we ran -really- behind on Saturday. We had to have our keys turned in by 2pm.. At 1:45 I was cleaning like a crazy woman while Hubs was STILL loading the truck.. I'm not sure how we still had that much stuff sitting around but that's what happened...maybe because I was packing a whole house by myself with 3 kids..perhaps. I was literally throwing things onto our breezeway for Hubs to load as I was cleaning just so that we could get the keys in by 2pm. During all of this the girls were wailing at the injust life that they have, missing shoes, not a good enough lunch and whatnot. Ya, I get that their whole world was changing but..holy crap..I almost left them in El Paso. So I was cleaning like a crazy woman with 2 girls wailing, fighting and screaming in my ear. We finally left around 2:30 and went directly to pick up "stupid truck" and go to our Hote in El Paso so that Hubs could sign out early Sunday morning and we could leave. I drove "stupid truck" to our hotel and got laughed at by Mexicans because I couldn't park the thing... *!@$$##$#*
We planned to drive 9 hours on Sunday then 3 1/2 hours on Monday. Our 9 hour drive on Sunday turned into 14 hours. Lil man apparently hates traveling so he spent 9 of those 14 hours crying... I, in turn, spent those same 9 hours with my arm wrenched around back patting his head, trying to keep him semi calm... I now need shoulder surgery. It was such a long day.. We didn't stop for lunch.. We didn't stop for anything but to feed little man. Bringing food along was the best thing I ever decided to do because the girls snacked on that stuff all day and didn't whine about food. Had we stopped for food we never would have made it.
We made it to our hotel at 8pm, I ate a little bit of Mcdonalds and then we crashed............
The next morning we wake up at 5 and realize we never got the truck weighed, while full, *CRAPPP* so we can get reimbursed for the move.... We also found out that there were NO weight scales on our route that day. So hubs got ready and drove back 45 mins to the last weight scale, weighed the truck and then drove 45mins to us. By that time I had the girls all ready to go and we left. The second day wasn't as bad just lots of 50mph and road construction. In case you are wondering, the route from El Paso to Kansas is the more baren, annoying, obnoxious route EVER!
We make it into the city limits and our "fun" didn't stop. "Stupid truck" wouldn't accelerate...and "stupid truck" died...on the highway. So there I was with a cranky baby, a Penske truck ahead of me, sitting in a dead truck 3 exits from our house. 3...freaking..exits. Although I am thankful that it died that close,Hubs mom was close as were my parents and both came to save the day. But really........... truck makes it from El Paso to the city limits and then dies? It couldn't wait like 5 more minutes and save me a $75 towing fee.
"Stupid truck" is still dead... and "stupid truck" is actually on its way to the shop now.. @#$#*&*##&$# I hate that stupid truck!
And then we got to................... The house............ da da duuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Stay tuned for that ongoing saga tomorrow........... :-)
It started with the whole "oh sorry, transportation can't fit you in so you'll have to do a full DITY move" So I was packing the whole house with 3 kids amongst appointments, therapies, errands, last minute moving things and everything else that comes with being a mom to 3 kids under 5. Somehow I got the house packed..kinda. Then Hubs couldn't get his paperwork signed so he could clear post, they lost another set of papers, nobody wanted to make the Col mad and interrupt him to have him sign the papers so they just wouldn't do it... stuff like that. We finally got everything signed and ready to go so he could start clearing post, 2 days before we were supposed to leave. We also had "stupid truck" issues. We bought a truck from one of Hubs friends a couple months ago, 1500 Chevy, noisy thing.. "peerrrfect shape, just looks ugly" SO we bought it and since have spent $600 on it... and about to spend $300 more at this very moment (but thats another story) So 2 days before we leave "stupid truck" dies... So we get it into the shop and "Mario" tells us it'll be done in a day and "thats the last problem you'll ever have with this truck..I fix it for good" yaaaaaahhhhh
Two days before we leave we start loading up... Some of Hubs soldiers came over and helped us and everything went great. We stayed one last night in our apartment and planned to spend Saturday cleaning and loading up our storage unit. Ya, didn't quite happen like that. For some reason we ran -really- behind on Saturday. We had to have our keys turned in by 2pm.. At 1:45 I was cleaning like a crazy woman while Hubs was STILL loading the truck.. I'm not sure how we still had that much stuff sitting around but that's what happened...maybe because I was packing a whole house by myself with 3 kids..perhaps. I was literally throwing things onto our breezeway for Hubs to load as I was cleaning just so that we could get the keys in by 2pm. During all of this the girls were wailing at the injust life that they have, missing shoes, not a good enough lunch and whatnot. Ya, I get that their whole world was changing but..holy crap..I almost left them in El Paso. So I was cleaning like a crazy woman with 2 girls wailing, fighting and screaming in my ear. We finally left around 2:30 and went directly to pick up "stupid truck" and go to our Hote in El Paso so that Hubs could sign out early Sunday morning and we could leave. I drove "stupid truck" to our hotel and got laughed at by Mexicans because I couldn't park the thing... *!@$$##$#*
We planned to drive 9 hours on Sunday then 3 1/2 hours on Monday. Our 9 hour drive on Sunday turned into 14 hours. Lil man apparently hates traveling so he spent 9 of those 14 hours crying... I, in turn, spent those same 9 hours with my arm wrenched around back patting his head, trying to keep him semi calm... I now need shoulder surgery. It was such a long day.. We didn't stop for lunch.. We didn't stop for anything but to feed little man. Bringing food along was the best thing I ever decided to do because the girls snacked on that stuff all day and didn't whine about food. Had we stopped for food we never would have made it.
We made it to our hotel at 8pm, I ate a little bit of Mcdonalds and then we crashed............
The next morning we wake up at 5 and realize we never got the truck weighed, while full, *CRAPPP* so we can get reimbursed for the move.... We also found out that there were NO weight scales on our route that day. So hubs got ready and drove back 45 mins to the last weight scale, weighed the truck and then drove 45mins to us. By that time I had the girls all ready to go and we left. The second day wasn't as bad just lots of 50mph and road construction. In case you are wondering, the route from El Paso to Kansas is the more baren, annoying, obnoxious route EVER!
We make it into the city limits and our "fun" didn't stop. "Stupid truck" wouldn't accelerate...and "stupid truck" died...on the highway. So there I was with a cranky baby, a Penske truck ahead of me, sitting in a dead truck 3 exits from our house. 3...freaking..exits. Although I am thankful that it died that close,Hubs mom was close as were my parents and both came to save the day. But really........... truck makes it from El Paso to the city limits and then dies? It couldn't wait like 5 more minutes and save me a $75 towing fee.
"Stupid truck" is still dead... and "stupid truck" is actually on its way to the shop now.. @#$#*&*##&$# I hate that stupid truck!
And then we got to................... The house............ da da duuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Stay tuned for that ongoing saga tomorrow........... :-)
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Don't Change Him
Lately, I've been struggling with Wesley's upcoming surgery. I don't want him to have it..and not for the reason you may think..because I'm scared. Part of me is, yes, any mother would be. The reason... He's perfect to me and I don't want to change him. Is that bizarre? I don't want to change who he is. I don't want to change his lip. I look at him and I don't see "cleft lip" as I first did when he was born. I see "Wesley" I see his spirit. His huge, amazing grin. I don't want to change him. I see my beautiful, amazing son. Medically, I know it has to be done for his quality of life, I know this and I agree with it. It's best for HIM to have it done. But me, I don't want to change him.
It makes me sad to admit this but there was a time after he was born that I could barely look at him without crying. I hurt for him so bad. I cried and cried. Days, weeks.. I cried nearly every time I saw him. I spent the time he was in the hospital crying. I'd pretend to be napping and I'd cry. Not because I was ashamed but because I just hated it. I dealt with so much guilt. I was mad at myself. I felt I messed up. I felt that it wasn't fair. I felt I failed my husband. I finally gave him a son and look, I ruined it!!! It took many talks, many tears but I finally realized that wasn't how my husband felt at all. He never ever felt jipped, he never felt let down. I love that man! He's such a strong, amazing father!!
Right after he was born I was so shell shocked. So saddened. I was grieving, grieving the son I thought I'd have. It was like the son I thought I was going to have died the moment I gave birth. I've never admitted that to anyone but my husband but after reading a couple books about similiar situations that other people have had I realized I'm not alone in how I felt. How I felt was totally normal when you are handed such a shock. I actually had people ask me "well why didn't you let us know when he was born!!!" and were upset with me. During that time I was dealing with so much I could barely eat.
And now I don't want to change him. He's amazing. I love how he stops crying when I sing to him. I love how every morning when I unwrap him he smiles at me. I love watching his sisters play with him and how they totally accept him. I love how, at times, I'm the only one who can get him to stop crying.
I hate it when I think about the pain he'll have to endure throughout his life but I love the ride I've been given.
It makes me sad to admit this but there was a time after he was born that I could barely look at him without crying. I hurt for him so bad. I cried and cried. Days, weeks.. I cried nearly every time I saw him. I spent the time he was in the hospital crying. I'd pretend to be napping and I'd cry. Not because I was ashamed but because I just hated it. I dealt with so much guilt. I was mad at myself. I felt I messed up. I felt that it wasn't fair. I felt I failed my husband. I finally gave him a son and look, I ruined it!!! It took many talks, many tears but I finally realized that wasn't how my husband felt at all. He never ever felt jipped, he never felt let down. I love that man! He's such a strong, amazing father!!
Right after he was born I was so shell shocked. So saddened. I was grieving, grieving the son I thought I'd have. It was like the son I thought I was going to have died the moment I gave birth. I've never admitted that to anyone but my husband but after reading a couple books about similiar situations that other people have had I realized I'm not alone in how I felt. How I felt was totally normal when you are handed such a shock. I actually had people ask me "well why didn't you let us know when he was born!!!" and were upset with me. During that time I was dealing with so much I could barely eat.
And now I don't want to change him. He's amazing. I love how he stops crying when I sing to him. I love how every morning when I unwrap him he smiles at me. I love watching his sisters play with him and how they totally accept him. I love how, at times, I'm the only one who can get him to stop crying.
I hate it when I think about the pain he'll have to endure throughout his life but I love the ride I've been given.
Monday, July 9, 2012
New Girl In School
In just over 3 weeks we will start Terminal leave. Our active Military life will be done. I am nowhere near ready. My house is still in full functional order, I haven't made to do lists..which is a must, I haven't started deep cleaning the apartment, I really *ought* to buy big girls birthday presents and school supplies while we are here because once we move she starts school the next week and in that week we'll have an appointment or two for little guy plus unpacking and job hunting, and registering for school, so it'd be much easier if I'd just do all that now. I have nothing packed. I have no trailers reserved. I don't even have a place to call home once we get there. I have nothing done. Here's the funny thing, I don't care to either because I know that even if I don't start for a week and a half, I'll still get it all done because it's what I do. I'm Hooah.
Im in denial. I don't think it'll actually happen. I'm gonna miss this life. I'm going to miss my "sisters", I'm going to miss seeing hubs in ACU's, I'm going to miss watching homecomings. I'm going to miss my SISTERS! (yes, I said it twice) I don't even know if I will fit in with other wives..I've never been a Civilian wife. Which sounds crazy for me to say, I sound like a crazy person because there's no difference between Civilian wives and Military wives..is there? I'm starting to feel like a fish out of water. My life is completely changing. Will I be accepted in this crazy civilan life? I'm no nonsense, independent to a fault, say what I think...that's me. I don't whine when my husband leaves for 2 weeks. I don't weep if he has to work nights. I've unpacked a house in a day being 2 months pregnant and throwing up. I've hosted a BBQ a week after I had a baby, who spent a total of 5 days in the hospital. I've thrown together a huge FRG Christmas party with just the help of one other person in the span of a week...during the holidays..in which I was hosting Christmas at my house. Will I be accepted? I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I don't stand for stupid.
I'm not taking down my Army Wife pictures and plaques.. I don't have to, do I? I'll still be an Army wife to the core..right?
I guess the point in all this incoherant rambling is that I'm scared. Really scared. I'm excited yet scared. I'm excited to not have to deal with the politics, I'm excited to not have to deal with deployments, I'm excited to go back to Kansas..I want to learn to Can.. because that's whatcha do, so I wanna do that so I can fit in...I want to grow a garden..Ok, nevermind, I don't.
I feel like the new girl in school.
Im in denial. I don't think it'll actually happen. I'm gonna miss this life. I'm going to miss my "sisters", I'm going to miss seeing hubs in ACU's, I'm going to miss watching homecomings. I'm going to miss my SISTERS! (yes, I said it twice) I don't even know if I will fit in with other wives..I've never been a Civilian wife. Which sounds crazy for me to say, I sound like a crazy person because there's no difference between Civilian wives and Military wives..is there? I'm starting to feel like a fish out of water. My life is completely changing. Will I be accepted in this crazy civilan life? I'm no nonsense, independent to a fault, say what I think...that's me. I don't whine when my husband leaves for 2 weeks. I don't weep if he has to work nights. I've unpacked a house in a day being 2 months pregnant and throwing up. I've hosted a BBQ a week after I had a baby, who spent a total of 5 days in the hospital. I've thrown together a huge FRG Christmas party with just the help of one other person in the span of a week...during the holidays..in which I was hosting Christmas at my house. Will I be accepted? I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I don't stand for stupid.
I'm not taking down my Army Wife pictures and plaques.. I don't have to, do I? I'll still be an Army wife to the core..right?
I guess the point in all this incoherant rambling is that I'm scared. Really scared. I'm excited yet scared. I'm excited to not have to deal with the politics, I'm excited to not have to deal with deployments, I'm excited to go back to Kansas..I want to learn to Can.. because that's whatcha do, so I wanna do that so I can fit in...I want to grow a garden..Ok, nevermind, I don't.
I feel like the new girl in school.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
They Were Wrong
They said you'd have trouble eating...
They said you'd need a feeding tube.
They thought you has Sepsis or meningitis .....
They didn't think you'd make the 10 pound weight minimum for surgery at 3 months..you're already there!
They said you'd need intensive therapies...so far you've surpassed the therapists goals.
They said you'd aspirate your formula through your nose until both your lip and palate were fixed... I haven't had to suction your nose in at least a month. You don't aspirate anymore. They were wrong.
They've been wrong about you thus far. Everything they say you can't do, you prove them wrong.
They say you'll need false teeth, bone grafts and many cosmetic surgeries. They say the palate surgery is very hard to recover from..with lots of pain and no eating and sleeplessness. They say you won't talk for a long time and when you do it will take a long time for you to get it. They say you'll need intensive speech therapy.
I assume you'll prove them wrong too. My strong little man...what an inspiration you are. You've changed me for the better. You're a fighter. When I feel that I don't have the strenght to go on, one look into your smiling face gives me strength.
They said you'd need a feeding tube.
They thought you has Sepsis or meningitis .....
They didn't think you'd make the 10 pound weight minimum for surgery at 3 months..you're already there!
They said you'd need intensive therapies...so far you've surpassed the therapists goals.
They said you'd aspirate your formula through your nose until both your lip and palate were fixed... I haven't had to suction your nose in at least a month. You don't aspirate anymore. They were wrong.
They've been wrong about you thus far. Everything they say you can't do, you prove them wrong.
They say you'll need false teeth, bone grafts and many cosmetic surgeries. They say the palate surgery is very hard to recover from..with lots of pain and no eating and sleeplessness. They say you won't talk for a long time and when you do it will take a long time for you to get it. They say you'll need intensive speech therapy.
I assume you'll prove them wrong too. My strong little man...what an inspiration you are. You've changed me for the better. You're a fighter. When I feel that I don't have the strenght to go on, one look into your smiling face gives me strength.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Tuesday's 10
Ten Things I Will Miss About Military Life
1. Washing and folding ACU's and other Army uniforms. I spent my honeymoon starching and ironing BDU's back in the day. Fond memories.
2. I will now have to use the phrase Mr and Mrs. instead of Spc. and Mrs, or Col. and Mrs.
3. Refering to people by their first names instead of "Jones" or "Smith"
4. Not having to fold and match those dreaded green socks. It takes more brain power than a game of Jenga.
5. I'll miss seeing hubs in formation after work. I love formations.
6. Deployments suck. No question about it. But those homecomings are amazing. I will miss those.
7. I'm going to miss my "sisters" I know so many amazing women. Women that know completely what I am feeling at times. Women who have grown to become sisters, mentors, family.
8. I'm going to miss the pride I feel seeing my husband in uniform.
9. Health care.
10. I'm going to miss having someone else move me. Free of charge.
1. Washing and folding ACU's and other Army uniforms. I spent my honeymoon starching and ironing BDU's back in the day. Fond memories.
2. I will now have to use the phrase Mr and Mrs. instead of Spc. and Mrs, or Col. and Mrs.
3. Refering to people by their first names instead of "Jones" or "Smith"
4. Not having to fold and match those dreaded green socks. It takes more brain power than a game of Jenga.
5. I'll miss seeing hubs in formation after work. I love formations.
6. Deployments suck. No question about it. But those homecomings are amazing. I will miss those.
7. I'm going to miss my "sisters" I know so many amazing women. Women that know completely what I am feeling at times. Women who have grown to become sisters, mentors, family.
8. I'm going to miss the pride I feel seeing my husband in uniform.
9. Health care.
10. I'm going to miss having someone else move me. Free of charge.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
My Poor Neglected Blog
My poor blog has been neglected. I just don't have the time most days to stay on top of it right now..which is saying a lot.
We are settling into a routine..kind of. There are good days and bad days. Therapies, Dr visits, and normal everyday mommy stuff keeps me busy. Most days I am running from kid to kid all day. Especially since it's summer now and I have all 3 kids home all day.
Wes is finally on a formula that I think will work. Now that he is doing better on that I have to start the process of doctor visits to update them and then get them to give me a RX so that I can get WIC to get us the formula and to change it in their system, once again. They are being less than helpful in regards to his formula but we have to have it at this point to pay for his formula. It's mahal (as my mother-in-law would say) But the soy seems to help him a great deal.
I'm doing okay. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. It's all very overwhelming at times. ETSing, moving, setting up life in another state without the Army behind us, job hunting, plus Wesley. Hubs and I are on the phone with insurance or doctors nearly everyday. No exaggeration. Sometimes I tend to lose it. The tears flow and I can't stop. Most days I am okay but some days it's too much. I realized yesterday that I am going through the "stages of grief" In a way I am grieving what I thought "was" the whole time I was pregnant. What I thought "would be" is not. I don't regret my son. Never in a million years. He is my light. I am SO SO in love with him. I wouldn't trade him for the world.
I'm angry right now. I'm angry it happened, I'm angry that I have to fight every step of the way, I'm angry that in his young life he will have surgeries. I'm angry that Doctors and other medical professionals don't take me seriously sometimes because I'm "young". I'm angry that all the pediatricians I have encountered don't want to answer my questions because of his cleft, they want to just refer us out to a "specialist" for every.little.thing, which delays what I need by weeks and I'm left to figure it out on my own.
My thoughts are very much on surgery. Reading up on after care tips and tricks, getting autorizations figured out, Setting up consults in Kansas. A lot of it feels very "One step forward, two steps back" Right now we are scheduled for a consult at the KU Medical Center in August. Hopefully surgery will follow soon after and won't be delayed too long.
This too shall pass. We are strong. We will win this. My baby is a fighter. We will rise to the top.
Without further rambling I thought I would share some photos..enjoy!
We are settling into a routine..kind of. There are good days and bad days. Therapies, Dr visits, and normal everyday mommy stuff keeps me busy. Most days I am running from kid to kid all day. Especially since it's summer now and I have all 3 kids home all day.
Wes is finally on a formula that I think will work. Now that he is doing better on that I have to start the process of doctor visits to update them and then get them to give me a RX so that I can get WIC to get us the formula and to change it in their system, once again. They are being less than helpful in regards to his formula but we have to have it at this point to pay for his formula. It's mahal (as my mother-in-law would say) But the soy seems to help him a great deal.
I'm doing okay. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. It's all very overwhelming at times. ETSing, moving, setting up life in another state without the Army behind us, job hunting, plus Wesley. Hubs and I are on the phone with insurance or doctors nearly everyday. No exaggeration. Sometimes I tend to lose it. The tears flow and I can't stop. Most days I am okay but some days it's too much. I realized yesterday that I am going through the "stages of grief" In a way I am grieving what I thought "was" the whole time I was pregnant. What I thought "would be" is not. I don't regret my son. Never in a million years. He is my light. I am SO SO in love with him. I wouldn't trade him for the world.
I'm angry right now. I'm angry it happened, I'm angry that I have to fight every step of the way, I'm angry that in his young life he will have surgeries. I'm angry that Doctors and other medical professionals don't take me seriously sometimes because I'm "young". I'm angry that all the pediatricians I have encountered don't want to answer my questions because of his cleft, they want to just refer us out to a "specialist" for every.little.thing, which delays what I need by weeks and I'm left to figure it out on my own.
My thoughts are very much on surgery. Reading up on after care tips and tricks, getting autorizations figured out, Setting up consults in Kansas. A lot of it feels very "One step forward, two steps back" Right now we are scheduled for a consult at the KU Medical Center in August. Hopefully surgery will follow soon after and won't be delayed too long.
This too shall pass. We are strong. We will win this. My baby is a fighter. We will rise to the top.
Without further rambling I thought I would share some photos..enjoy!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Emotions
I'm stressed. To the max. How am I supposed to make decisions for a tiny little man that will affect him his whole life? My heart aches. I don't know what to do. I don't know what decisions to make. I don't know what the right thing to do is. We are debating a certain treatment right now. One that could make his surgeries go smoother and easier. Downside is it would mean a hospitalization, weekly trips to the dentist, fittings, refittings, and this treatment would last for 4 months, delaying the lip surgery and also cutting into our terminal leave, which means we couldn't move back to Kansas until the treatment was finished. Do we sit here and waste a month or more of leave time, not being able to job hunt in Kansas? What's the right decision? Do we delay moving back home and finding stable jobs and delay him getting his surgery done? Or do we not do the treatment and hope for the best during the surgery, which we will be able to get done soon? We've been told we can still get very good results without doing this treatment. Are we bad parents for NOT doing this? Or are we bad parents for sitting here in El paso, waiting around for a month or more, delaying job hunts, delaying getting our oldest in school, delaying the start of our permanant civilan lives for a treatment that may or may not make a huge difference. Tears just fall down my face because I don't know. I just don't know. I'm in over my head. I want to do what's best for him, but I also have the well being of 2 other kids and a husband who needs a career, to think about.
I feel trapped. No Date nights, no time away from the kids during the day. I desperately need those things and until now had them. It's best for ME as a mother to have that time. Here's the tricky thing; I don't trust anyone with Wesley. I don't trust anyone at the daycare. I don't trust babysitters. I don't trust them to know how to feed him, he uses a special feeder. I don't trust anyone to know what to do and not panic when formula comes out his nose and he starts to gurgle. I don't trust anyone to know how long to burp him because if you don't do it long enough he starts choking or spitting up. He can't lay flat like other babies. He can't sleep in any position besides a special one without being watched. For me and hubs it's second nature now but I don't trust anyone with him alone. I feel very very trapped. Like I have no way out. Like I have no escape. Ya, it'll get better, once he has some surgeries and is more like other babies, but until then.. 18 months from now.. What am I supposed to do. There's no way I could let myself leave him with someone.
I love him more than life itself. He's my little buddy. My everything. But any mother knows that being with three kids 24/7 will more than grate on your nerves. Especially one needing special attention. I'm his biggest care-taker at the moment. With Hubs working it's up to me. I do nighttime feeds and everyday, all day. All me.
I don't know the right steps to take. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle................ But right now I just don't know. Can my marriage handle this? Can my other kids handle this? Can I handle this?
I feel trapped. No Date nights, no time away from the kids during the day. I desperately need those things and until now had them. It's best for ME as a mother to have that time. Here's the tricky thing; I don't trust anyone with Wesley. I don't trust anyone at the daycare. I don't trust babysitters. I don't trust them to know how to feed him, he uses a special feeder. I don't trust anyone to know what to do and not panic when formula comes out his nose and he starts to gurgle. I don't trust anyone to know how long to burp him because if you don't do it long enough he starts choking or spitting up. He can't lay flat like other babies. He can't sleep in any position besides a special one without being watched. For me and hubs it's second nature now but I don't trust anyone with him alone. I feel very very trapped. Like I have no way out. Like I have no escape. Ya, it'll get better, once he has some surgeries and is more like other babies, but until then.. 18 months from now.. What am I supposed to do. There's no way I could let myself leave him with someone.
I love him more than life itself. He's my little buddy. My everything. But any mother knows that being with three kids 24/7 will more than grate on your nerves. Especially one needing special attention. I'm his biggest care-taker at the moment. With Hubs working it's up to me. I do nighttime feeds and everyday, all day. All me.
I don't know the right steps to take. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle................ But right now I just don't know. Can my marriage handle this? Can my other kids handle this? Can I handle this?
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Happy One Week Birthday
To My Little Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a whirlwind week! I started the day grumpy and huge and by 6pm I was holding your sweet self!
Tuesday's 10
10 Things That Are Great About Not Being Pregnant
1. 30lbs lost in a week.. Only with certain illegal drugs can you get those kinds of results
2. I have a whole new bunch of clothing options again.
3. I don't grunt when I get off the couch
4. Red Bull......... bam!
5. I no longer want to strangle people for no reason............. I only want to strangle them if they do something dumb. Hubs is less concerned about me going to jail now.
6. No more heartburn
7. I can see my feet............ I need a pedi....... yikes
8. I no longer feel huge and sluggish and narwal-like
9. Hubs is loving that I'm a shape other than round. Although he did like the round..he also likes the hour glass sort of shape. He says it's like being with a new woman..
10. I get to hold my dough-y, sweet smelling newborn..which causes me to smell all dough-y and sweet smelling.. Newborn is one of the best smells.
1. 30lbs lost in a week.. Only with certain illegal drugs can you get those kinds of results
2. I have a whole new bunch of clothing options again.
3. I don't grunt when I get off the couch
4. Red Bull......... bam!
5. I no longer want to strangle people for no reason............. I only want to strangle them if they do something dumb. Hubs is less concerned about me going to jail now.
6. No more heartburn
7. I can see my feet............ I need a pedi....... yikes
8. I no longer feel huge and sluggish and narwal-like
9. Hubs is loving that I'm a shape other than round. Although he did like the round..he also likes the hour glass sort of shape. He says it's like being with a new woman..
10. I get to hold my dough-y, sweet smelling newborn..which causes me to smell all dough-y and sweet smelling.. Newborn is one of the best smells.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Holdin' On
Today's blog is hard to read. Hard for me to read and it's my story. It's not meant as a "woe is me" It's not meant for sympathy. There's no sympathy needed. Sometimes when you write, things have to be said though and this is one of them. I feel you all should know this story. Thank you to all my friends and family for your loving support the past week. You're acceptance and love towards us is overwhelming. This story isn't gramatically correct nor perfect but I felt it was important to write it as I felt it... Raw.
I was laying there, fresh from giving birth, and I heard that fateful sentence; "Mom and Dad, did the doctors ever say anything may be wrong with your baby, anything in the ultrasounds or tests" I obviously couldn't see him and he was facing away from my husband. "No" we said. "Everything is fine with him" I knew this wasn't a routine question asked........... And our world changed.
"He has a bit of a cleft lip and palate but that's completely fixable and he is perfectly healthy in every other way" and I looked over at my husband and I saw the terror in his eyes, the fear. He looked like he was about to faint, throw up, or cry..Maybe all 3....He looked grey. I haven't ever seen that look in his face and I instantly started crying. Saying over and over "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" sobbing. And then they lifted him on my chest. Nurses and midwives saying to me "he's beautiful, don't be sorry, it's not your fault, he's gorgeous and healthy and beautiful" I cried. They kept saying to me "It's not your fault! He's beautiful, He's gorgeous, You did so good mama" We saw his face. We held him. He was amazing. He was beautiful. In 30 seconds our lives changed. Everything we thought was different. They were cleaning him up...
"Is he okay?, How is he?" and alternating between sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry"
"He's fine momma, he's beautiful and healthy" They said
"He's a strong lil man. He's got beautiful brownish/red hair" my husband said
We loved him the moment we saw him. We wanted him before he was born and a small birth defect, if you even can call it that, cannot change that. He has no "defect". He's perfect. Made just how he was supposed to be. The shock was like being hit in the stomach with a metal pole. "Oh God, what are we going to do."
Whirlwind doesn't begin to describe it. Doctors, Baby nurses, Social workers, Therapists, feedings, special bottles, neonatologists. One after the other. In at all hours. Handing us papers and giving us information. I can't tell you how many times someone would come in and say "so and so came and talked to you, right?" and I would look at my husband and say "I don't know" I was in a fog.
I had nurses in every hour that first night. Helping me with feedings, asking if I needed anything. Trying to figure out the right combination of formula and bottle. My dream of breastfeeding him... gone. I tried and tried. It can't be done. I was told I can't keep trying and chance him losing too much weight. "We need him to eat and eat well, he needs to gain weight" I cried some more. I tried to hold in the tears. Tried to keep them at bay throughout everyone walking in and out... They had to come out at some point, didn't they? My husband needed me to be strong. My girls hadn't yet met their brother..I had to stay strong so I could explain to them. They'd have questions. I feared once I let the tears flow then they wouldn't stop. Ever. I had to be strong for everyone. The visitors at the hospital.. my mom. my family. Our friends.
He's in for so much pain in his little life. Surgeries, medicines, Doctors. I want to hide him away. Protect him. I'm not ashamed. My mothers heart wants to hide him from the world, hide him from any pain. Hide him from mean people.
One thing I know.... Everything happens for a reason. This happened for a reason. I can't help but ask why though. WHY?! Clefts are more common in American Indians.. is that why? Because I'm part Indian? It's more common in boys..is that why? They say it can be genetic... How can that be? Nobody in our family has it. They say very very rarely does it happen at random.. are we that "very very rare" case? I asked for days "What did I do?!" I'm the one that "grew" him. Clefts develope in the first 3-10 weeks of pregnancy. I thought back to then. What was going on then? I knew I was pregnant. Was I too stressed? Did I do too much? Fact is, we may never know. Can I be okay with that?
I spent much of the pregnancy wondering if I could love a little boy like I love my little girls. Would HE love me? Would I be important to him or would he just be all about his daddy? ............ Now I know the answer. That little boy has taken hold of my heart. I love that little boy with every piece of my heart. Lip, no lip. It doesn't matter. My heart is completely entertwined with him. His beautiful chubby cheeks, perfect for kissing. His baby smell, His beautiful soft hair, his long tiny fingers.
We have to take it day by day. Hour by hour at some points. So many things are unknown. So many things are scary. But we have to keep holdin' on.
Holdin on tight.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Not Pregnant Anymore!
Guess what boys and girls...I'm not pregnant anymore!! I was at the point where I was really starting to believe I would be, I also had convinced myself that my body just couldn't go into labor on its own, considering I had been induced twice before.
I woke up May 8th having some painful contractions but once I got up and around they stopped so I continued on in my life thinking it was another day of false labor and I refused to even get my hopes up. I was grumpy, huge, and exausted. I did my daily thing and just wasn't feeling any of it. I was just plain exausted. Around noon I noticed I was cramping fairly bad but refused to belive that it might be something. Noon was also when a storm front started moving in. I decided just for giggles to see whether I could time them...sure enough I could.. 10 mins apart. Still didn't believe anything was for real because my body had betrayed me before like this. I text hubs who was supposed to be on his way home for lunch and told him I was having contractions 10 mins apart but don't get excited. By the time he got home at 12:45 they were 5 mins. apart. ............ I was still in denial but Hubs got the okay to stay home the rest of the afternoon to "watch me" so I wasnt complaining.
From noon to 2pm they went from 10 mins apart to 2 mins apart. yaaaaaaaaaaa I still didn't think I was in labor.. Despite the fact that every time I stood up I got hit with a huge contraction. Around 2:30 after having one so bad I had tears in my eyes I decided we needed to go to the hospital. It'd be more embarassing to give birth on the highway than to get sent away from L&D again. So off we went, me having contractions every 2-3 minutes, to the hospital 30 minutes away.
We get there and the nurse asks me "so you think this is the real deal" I think she was feeling me out because it was really busy thanks to that nice storm front that had moved in. I told her either this was it or something was seriously wrong with me. We get back in the room and wadda ya know.. I'm 5cm.. I got to stay!!! Still thinking I was in for the long haul, I get all settled in my room and was joking with the nurses and was in a great mood..despite the contractions..and my pain wasn't even that bad. I'm telling you, there is a HUGE difference between Pitocin contractions and regular contractions.
By the time I got all the admin. stuff done and hooked up to an IV and all that jazz it was near 4. They monitor me and tell me they are going to break my water soon. I told them no because if they did that then the baby would come really soon because I deliver fast after my water is broken... They told me that was the point. ... Who knew.. ha
So around 5 they break my water and around 5:15 I'm begging for drugs, I was done playin around. I don't do epidurals. I don't do needles in my back. Sorry. So they gave me this crap medicine that made me feel like I had taken 50 shots of Tequila and did absolutely nothing for the pain. Just made me high as ..well.. you know what. I was mumbling about meatloaf and asking if I could take some of those drugs home (You can't, btw)
And then it happened.........10 mins later I looked at Hubs...my eyes got huge and said "this baby is coming..NOW!" Luckily the nurse was already in there and she checked me and goes "Okay then..let's have a baby".. and starts putting on gloves to deliver me and hollering for a doctor...... The baby was kinda crowning. Which is how all my babies have been born..despite the last 2 times with the stupid Pitocin. Takes me forever to get to 6cm but once I get to 6 I progress very rapidly and the baby is born within 15 minutes usually.
I pushed 5 times and at 6:04pm my little man was born! 7lbs 8oz and 19 inches long. No epidural.. and only that stupid crap medicine that did nothing besides make me so high I was feelin up the nurses boob while pushing (Not on purpose) It was the worst pain of my life. Of.. MY..LIFE.
Wesley was born with a cleft palate and cleft lip which was a huge surprise. None of our ultrasounds and testing had shown anything wrong. Other than that he is a beautiful, healthy boy. He loves to cuddle and is a great sleeper. We are having some issues with feeding as one would expect but we are in contact with some great therapists and plastic surgeons and he will be getting the best care.
He's amazing! I'm so in love. His unique face was a shock, yes. But, I am in no way ashamed of him and in no way disapointed by him. He's beautiful. God gave him to us for a reason. He's happy, healthy and there are surgeries and therapies to help him. It could be so so much worse and I know for many people it is. We are way beyond blessed. I feel really really well. Better than any of my other labors.
I had amazing midwives, amazing nurses, and amazing baby nursese who helped us all they could and advocated for us and made our stay amazing. I'm in the process now of trying to get used to 3 kids and healing. Along with trying to keep all of lil man's appointments straight. It's crazy busy and hectic lately. Besides the normal newborn busyness he has special formula and bottles and feedings take awhile. We're busy looking into insurances and special funding and programs to get him the help he needs.
So there you have it... You will NOT be pregnant forever.. I'm living proof.
Well, it's time for lil man's 10pm feeding and then I'm hoping I can crash.
I woke up May 8th having some painful contractions but once I got up and around they stopped so I continued on in my life thinking it was another day of false labor and I refused to even get my hopes up. I was grumpy, huge, and exausted. I did my daily thing and just wasn't feeling any of it. I was just plain exausted. Around noon I noticed I was cramping fairly bad but refused to belive that it might be something. Noon was also when a storm front started moving in. I decided just for giggles to see whether I could time them...sure enough I could.. 10 mins apart. Still didn't believe anything was for real because my body had betrayed me before like this. I text hubs who was supposed to be on his way home for lunch and told him I was having contractions 10 mins apart but don't get excited. By the time he got home at 12:45 they were 5 mins. apart. ............ I was still in denial but Hubs got the okay to stay home the rest of the afternoon to "watch me" so I wasnt complaining.
From noon to 2pm they went from 10 mins apart to 2 mins apart. yaaaaaaaaaaa I still didn't think I was in labor.. Despite the fact that every time I stood up I got hit with a huge contraction. Around 2:30 after having one so bad I had tears in my eyes I decided we needed to go to the hospital. It'd be more embarassing to give birth on the highway than to get sent away from L&D again. So off we went, me having contractions every 2-3 minutes, to the hospital 30 minutes away.
We get there and the nurse asks me "so you think this is the real deal" I think she was feeling me out because it was really busy thanks to that nice storm front that had moved in. I told her either this was it or something was seriously wrong with me. We get back in the room and wadda ya know.. I'm 5cm.. I got to stay!!! Still thinking I was in for the long haul, I get all settled in my room and was joking with the nurses and was in a great mood..despite the contractions..and my pain wasn't even that bad. I'm telling you, there is a HUGE difference between Pitocin contractions and regular contractions.
By the time I got all the admin. stuff done and hooked up to an IV and all that jazz it was near 4. They monitor me and tell me they are going to break my water soon. I told them no because if they did that then the baby would come really soon because I deliver fast after my water is broken... They told me that was the point. ... Who knew.. ha
So around 5 they break my water and around 5:15 I'm begging for drugs, I was done playin around. I don't do epidurals. I don't do needles in my back. Sorry. So they gave me this crap medicine that made me feel like I had taken 50 shots of Tequila and did absolutely nothing for the pain. Just made me high as ..well.. you know what. I was mumbling about meatloaf and asking if I could take some of those drugs home (You can't, btw)
And then it happened.........10 mins later I looked at Hubs...my eyes got huge and said "this baby is coming..NOW!" Luckily the nurse was already in there and she checked me and goes "Okay then..let's have a baby".. and starts putting on gloves to deliver me and hollering for a doctor...... The baby was kinda crowning. Which is how all my babies have been born..despite the last 2 times with the stupid Pitocin. Takes me forever to get to 6cm but once I get to 6 I progress very rapidly and the baby is born within 15 minutes usually.
I pushed 5 times and at 6:04pm my little man was born! 7lbs 8oz and 19 inches long. No epidural.. and only that stupid crap medicine that did nothing besides make me so high I was feelin up the nurses boob while pushing (Not on purpose) It was the worst pain of my life. Of.. MY..LIFE.
Wesley was born with a cleft palate and cleft lip which was a huge surprise. None of our ultrasounds and testing had shown anything wrong. Other than that he is a beautiful, healthy boy. He loves to cuddle and is a great sleeper. We are having some issues with feeding as one would expect but we are in contact with some great therapists and plastic surgeons and he will be getting the best care.
He's amazing! I'm so in love. His unique face was a shock, yes. But, I am in no way ashamed of him and in no way disapointed by him. He's beautiful. God gave him to us for a reason. He's happy, healthy and there are surgeries and therapies to help him. It could be so so much worse and I know for many people it is. We are way beyond blessed. I feel really really well. Better than any of my other labors.
I had amazing midwives, amazing nurses, and amazing baby nursese who helped us all they could and advocated for us and made our stay amazing. I'm in the process now of trying to get used to 3 kids and healing. Along with trying to keep all of lil man's appointments straight. It's crazy busy and hectic lately. Besides the normal newborn busyness he has special formula and bottles and feedings take awhile. We're busy looking into insurances and special funding and programs to get him the help he needs.
So there you have it... You will NOT be pregnant forever.. I'm living proof.
Well, it's time for lil man's 10pm feeding and then I'm hoping I can crash.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
"Burrito Watch 2012"
I'm pregnant... Still. I'm huge.. Still. I'm more pregnant than I've ever been in my life.. 39wks 3 days to be exact..so technically I haven't hit my due date but still... I'm huge, uncomfortable, not sleeping..you get the jist. Boy is doing good and is happy in there.. too happy if you ask me. I've started thinking maybe there isn't really a baby in there to begin with..Maybe it's just a burrito I forgot to digest. I just get this mommy feeling that he's happy and cuddly and loving being in mommy...Which wasn't in my plan. Couldn't we accomplish that after he's born?!
I've promised him a Mustang, a horse, and baseball cleats. His dad has had a stern talking with him.. nada. All my friends swear he's coming out soon...I don't know about that. My next doctor appointment is 3 days after my due date... Hubs swears I won't have to go to it........... I think I will..because, you know, it's a burrito in there. I can tell my body is very close to ready, I just feel like I need something to push it over the edge, I guess. The Dr says my body is making progress, ect, blah blah blah. And I can feel that progress..Nice contractions that get me thinking something is happening and then stop.
I've been drinking Red Raspberry Leaf tea like it's nobody's business. I've eaten enough pineapple to make my mouth raw.
I'm thinking about getting a baggy and putting oregano in it and having hubs shake it in front of my stomach and do an Indian dance.
I'm also counting on the Super Moon this weekend. Full moon is in a couple days and then Super Moon is Saturday.. That's gotta do something. I have more faith in the Super Moon than the Oregano though. I read one story where a woman went outside during the Super Moon and she rubbed her very pregnant stomach clockwise, facing the Super Moon, and her water broke.......... I'm thinking about giving it a go.
I've walked..and walked.. I've done stairs...
My mom is here on "Baby Watch 2012" ........... I hate to have to tell her that there IS no baby and that it's really "Burrito Watch 2012"
Maybe there will be no big build up.. 30 mins apart, 20 mins apart..ect.. Maybe it'll just be like, wake up at 2am and "WOWZA, 5 mins apart, we gotta GOOO"........ That's what I'm hoping for at least.
I'll be honest..I really have no faith that my body can have this baby alone. I was induced with both girls for medical reasons, so I've never seen my body do this before.
I now realize why people get so cranky when other people have their babies before them. I've heard stories of THREE people having their babies before me, who were due either after me or same time as me. I even saw the "skinny but pregnant bus stop lady" having contractions at the bus stop this morning and then wasn't there to pick up her son this afternoon... I swear, if she had her kid today......... I'm gonna have to start unfriending people on Facebook... Just kidding.. Kinda.
Anyone wanna start taking bets on when Mr. Man will show his face? I'll start the bets at $10 that he's NEVER coming out and it's really a burrito.
I've promised him a Mustang, a horse, and baseball cleats. His dad has had a stern talking with him.. nada. All my friends swear he's coming out soon...I don't know about that. My next doctor appointment is 3 days after my due date... Hubs swears I won't have to go to it........... I think I will..because, you know, it's a burrito in there. I can tell my body is very close to ready, I just feel like I need something to push it over the edge, I guess. The Dr says my body is making progress, ect, blah blah blah. And I can feel that progress..Nice contractions that get me thinking something is happening and then stop.
I've been drinking Red Raspberry Leaf tea like it's nobody's business. I've eaten enough pineapple to make my mouth raw.
I'm thinking about getting a baggy and putting oregano in it and having hubs shake it in front of my stomach and do an Indian dance.
I'm also counting on the Super Moon this weekend. Full moon is in a couple days and then Super Moon is Saturday.. That's gotta do something. I have more faith in the Super Moon than the Oregano though. I read one story where a woman went outside during the Super Moon and she rubbed her very pregnant stomach clockwise, facing the Super Moon, and her water broke.......... I'm thinking about giving it a go.
I've walked..and walked.. I've done stairs...
My mom is here on "Baby Watch 2012" ........... I hate to have to tell her that there IS no baby and that it's really "Burrito Watch 2012"
Maybe there will be no big build up.. 30 mins apart, 20 mins apart..ect.. Maybe it'll just be like, wake up at 2am and "WOWZA, 5 mins apart, we gotta GOOO"........ That's what I'm hoping for at least.
I'll be honest..I really have no faith that my body can have this baby alone. I was induced with both girls for medical reasons, so I've never seen my body do this before.
I now realize why people get so cranky when other people have their babies before them. I've heard stories of THREE people having their babies before me, who were due either after me or same time as me. I even saw the "skinny but pregnant bus stop lady" having contractions at the bus stop this morning and then wasn't there to pick up her son this afternoon... I swear, if she had her kid today......... I'm gonna have to start unfriending people on Facebook... Just kidding.. Kinda.
Anyone wanna start taking bets on when Mr. Man will show his face? I'll start the bets at $10 that he's NEVER coming out and it's really a burrito.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Heavy Cloud
Ever wake up and have those days where it seems like a heavy cloud is on you. Today is one of those days. I had trouble sleeping last night thanks to being 15 months pregnant and a swamp cooler that is going out. Hubs starts his "field" time. They are "in the field" but not. Thankfully he's still within reach on post and able to come home at night but he's going to be working 5am-at least 6pm..more likely until 7 or 8pm every day for the next month. Coming home stinky, tired, cranky, dirty uniforms everynight and no washer here at home. Love that he isn't gone completely but with being so pregnant and dealing with the "daddy is home but he's not" thing doesn't sound so much fun.
The girls were up way way too early this morning wanting food and getting into stuff. Of course, yesterday, when Hubs got up with them they were content to play until 9am. This morning I got the "I want food" at 5:55am. I woke up with painfully swollen feet and hands.
I delivered both my girls at 38 and 39 weeks.. I'm 38 weeks today and I honestly cannot ever remember feeling -this- ready to have this baby than I do right now. I've always seen on tv where the pregnant lady is saying "get this kid out of me NOW!" and trying everything within her power to get the kid out but never experienced it, until now. I even tried jalapenos yesterday and I don't even like jalapenos. Since having little girl my stomach is more sensitive to spicy food.
And to top today off... It's the 10 year anniversary of the passing of my grandma. I woke up aware that something wasn't right today and then I remembered. I miss her. So so bad. It was untimely, not fair, and not right. I'm sad she never met my kids. I'm sad she never met my husband. I'm sad she never saw me get married. It's all just not fair. I was extremely close to my grandma. The day she passed I just knew. I knew it was going to happen. I was at school, in choir, and I begged my teacher to let me use the phone so that I could call my mom and beg her to get me out of school. I remember telling her I just "needed" to be at the hospital with her. Thankfully she got me out of school and I spent the rest of the day at the hospital. We went home around 3 or so and at 4pm we got the call that she had passed. Had I not left school I wouldn't have been able to see her, to tell her goodbye, to see her one last time. Telling her goodbye was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Telling her it was okay to go. Maam..I miss you. I love you. It's not fair and my life was forever changed. I can't believe it's been 10 years.
I've said for weeks now that I really hoped this baby would come today. I needed some "happy" memories on this sad day. I'll be honest though..I'm not totally convinced it'll happen today. Who knows. That would be amazing. To have my sons birthday today. What a beautiful treat. A gift. We'll see what today holds. Who knows.
For now, it's time to kill this heavy cloud as much as possible with some buttery pancakes, syrup, and hot chocolate.
The girls were up way way too early this morning wanting food and getting into stuff. Of course, yesterday, when Hubs got up with them they were content to play until 9am. This morning I got the "I want food" at 5:55am. I woke up with painfully swollen feet and hands.
I delivered both my girls at 38 and 39 weeks.. I'm 38 weeks today and I honestly cannot ever remember feeling -this- ready to have this baby than I do right now. I've always seen on tv where the pregnant lady is saying "get this kid out of me NOW!" and trying everything within her power to get the kid out but never experienced it, until now. I even tried jalapenos yesterday and I don't even like jalapenos. Since having little girl my stomach is more sensitive to spicy food.
And to top today off... It's the 10 year anniversary of the passing of my grandma. I woke up aware that something wasn't right today and then I remembered. I miss her. So so bad. It was untimely, not fair, and not right. I'm sad she never met my kids. I'm sad she never met my husband. I'm sad she never saw me get married. It's all just not fair. I was extremely close to my grandma. The day she passed I just knew. I knew it was going to happen. I was at school, in choir, and I begged my teacher to let me use the phone so that I could call my mom and beg her to get me out of school. I remember telling her I just "needed" to be at the hospital with her. Thankfully she got me out of school and I spent the rest of the day at the hospital. We went home around 3 or so and at 4pm we got the call that she had passed. Had I not left school I wouldn't have been able to see her, to tell her goodbye, to see her one last time. Telling her goodbye was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Telling her it was okay to go. Maam..I miss you. I love you. It's not fair and my life was forever changed. I can't believe it's been 10 years.
I've said for weeks now that I really hoped this baby would come today. I needed some "happy" memories on this sad day. I'll be honest though..I'm not totally convinced it'll happen today. Who knows. That would be amazing. To have my sons birthday today. What a beautiful treat. A gift. We'll see what today holds. Who knows.
For now, it's time to kill this heavy cloud as much as possible with some buttery pancakes, syrup, and hot chocolate.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Kids Are So Honest
I'm getting the feeling my kids think I'm old, fat, and ugly.
Last week little girl came up to me and said "Momma you old like my old baby doll" Mind you, the doll she was talking about is missing an arm and a leg and has unknown substances all over her princess dress. I guess the upside, if there is one, is that it's her favorite doll.
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Then Big girl and I had the following conversation the other day at the Bus stop.
BG: Mom, You sure were a lot cuter when you were younger
Me: well dear...sometimes that happens.
BG: And sometimes you stay cute forever like sissy and I will?
Me:............ yyyyuuup.. Sometimes.
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And then this morning I get hit with this:
BG: Mom, how come your butt jiggles when you walk?
Me: ............... I don't know
BG: It does. Just like my teachers butt jiggles when she walks too. How come you're guyses butts jiggle?
Me: oookay.. go play.
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I'm thinking after I have this baby I need to go on a major diet and have some plastic surgery to deal with my jiggly butt, ugly face, and old self.
*sigh*
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Tuesday's 10-Mornings Suck Edition
1. My fingers are swollen which makes doing anything fairly difficult and leads to a case of the dropsies. Spilled milk or cereal or dropped frying pans really put a damper on the day. The other day I didn't know Hubs had already opened the soy milk so I took off the lid, expecting the little safety tab to be on there, so I started shaking it up only to realize that the safety tab was not on there..I sprayed soy milk all over big girl, myself, the floor, the table.... ok, it was kinda funny.
2. my kids get up way too early and have much to big of a vocab for my liking. I dont understand half the words coming out of their mouthes
3. Cereal and milk doesn't fly in this household. My kids somehow got the impression that this is Dennys. It's a rare day when cereal holds them over for more than 45 minutes. I kid you not, I am making food from the moment I get up until nearly 10am. Breakfast for the girls, my breakfast, Hubs comes home and wants food, then I make his lunch, and wouldn't you freakin believe it the girls want a snack, then I gotta make big girls lunch. 7-10am I am in the kitchen making food or cleaning up food. every.single.day
4. My kids wanna talk about how old babies are and what day it is. I have no clue about these things in the morning. I barely know my own age on a good day.
5. I'm 9 months pregnant. Huge. and exausted. 'nough said.
6. I think hubs should just hook up a caffine IV when he leaves for PT every morning. Then maybe I can wake up bright and cheery
7. People are obnoxious in this Apartment complex. They are outside obsessivly honking horns every morning instead of using their cell phone and calling the person in the apartment to come out. Makes me wanna hurt them.
8. I really wish I liked coffee. It might make my mornings easier. My caffine is either iced tea or soda, which I try not to drink in the morning. I've tried to like coffee..I want to like coffee. I just don't.
9. I need 30 minutes of peace with the news on, my tea, and no kids jumping around me to get a nice happy start to my day...Unfortunatly that never happens.
10. At this stage it is really hard to get in and out of bed. It requires full body moving, grunting, and flinging of the legs. By the time I get out of bed I am out of breath. Another reasons mornings suck!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Ready for baby!
Disclaimer: There will be words like labor and prepping and such in the blog today... All squeamish men may want to not read further!
It's about that time where my brain starts thinking, "How can I get this baby out of me" This is the first baby that I will *Hopefully* go into labor on my own with so it's even more on my mind. I was induced at 38 weeks with my first and 39 weeks with my second.
My question for my blog lovers is what have you tried to get labor started?
With big girl I tried pineapple. Fresh pineapple is supposed to work to help get everything ready... It did nothing. I have no faith in pineapple. Also tried..uh..special quality time...... yah.. Did nothing. In fact nothing made big girl come out except pitocin, stadol, and 32 hours of such meds. Even then she wasn't happy about coming out.
With little girl I did lots of walking during that pregnancy, thanks to my platonic husband and our 3 mile death walks. I was also very active because Hubs was deployed the whole time so I was doing everything. I really didn't try many natual things because I was so busy just trying to survive daily. I will say the walking seemed to do a lot of good. I was in shape and had a much easier labor, even though I was induced. As for if it actually did anything to start labor, as I was in labor when I went in for my induction...not sure, but it did prepare my body for labor.
This pregnancy I tossed around the idea of taking an herbal supplement called Gentle Birth. It basically helps prepare the body for labor, not actually start it, but I decided against that for the sheer fact that we are so far away from any family and 30 mins away from the hospital, I didn't want to go into labor too early or not make it to the hospital as I also had two other kids to find childcare for. If I were closer to the hospital or had family close by I would have tried it, definatly. I have a feeling that this baby will be coming fast. In the end, in regards to Gentle Birth, I listened to my gut and my gut said not this time. I'm already starting to show signs of things happening when I'm up and around too much. Contractions are already starting, even though sporadic. It does keep me on edge though as I have never experienced going into labor on my own and have no clue how "MY" labors go.
I also know that this baby is a week ahead (due date wise) than what my doctor says. So it's definatly nearing, according to the doctor I'm 37 weeks this week, according to me, 38 weeks. In the next week or so I'm going to step up the walking, as much as I can, I barely made it through the mall yesterday.. I may try pineapple again, but more because I like the flavor of fresh pineapple than I think it may actually work. I've heard stairs work too, which isn't a problem thanks to our 2nd floor apartment.
Am I trying to start labor before lil man is ready? Nope. I am, however, trying to prepare my body for the easiest labor possible. I've had a hard labor and it is no fun and I do not want to be induced again. It's my experience that the easier the labors, the better the bonding with baby is. So anything I can do to prepare myself I will try.
What are some labor prepping tricks you've heard of?
It's about that time where my brain starts thinking, "How can I get this baby out of me" This is the first baby that I will *Hopefully* go into labor on my own with so it's even more on my mind. I was induced at 38 weeks with my first and 39 weeks with my second.
My question for my blog lovers is what have you tried to get labor started?
With big girl I tried pineapple. Fresh pineapple is supposed to work to help get everything ready... It did nothing. I have no faith in pineapple. Also tried..uh..special quality time...... yah.. Did nothing. In fact nothing made big girl come out except pitocin, stadol, and 32 hours of such meds. Even then she wasn't happy about coming out.
With little girl I did lots of walking during that pregnancy, thanks to my platonic husband and our 3 mile death walks. I was also very active because Hubs was deployed the whole time so I was doing everything. I really didn't try many natual things because I was so busy just trying to survive daily. I will say the walking seemed to do a lot of good. I was in shape and had a much easier labor, even though I was induced. As for if it actually did anything to start labor, as I was in labor when I went in for my induction...not sure, but it did prepare my body for labor.
This pregnancy I tossed around the idea of taking an herbal supplement called Gentle Birth. It basically helps prepare the body for labor, not actually start it, but I decided against that for the sheer fact that we are so far away from any family and 30 mins away from the hospital, I didn't want to go into labor too early or not make it to the hospital as I also had two other kids to find childcare for. If I were closer to the hospital or had family close by I would have tried it, definatly. I have a feeling that this baby will be coming fast. In the end, in regards to Gentle Birth, I listened to my gut and my gut said not this time. I'm already starting to show signs of things happening when I'm up and around too much. Contractions are already starting, even though sporadic. It does keep me on edge though as I have never experienced going into labor on my own and have no clue how "MY" labors go.
I also know that this baby is a week ahead (due date wise) than what my doctor says. So it's definatly nearing, according to the doctor I'm 37 weeks this week, according to me, 38 weeks. In the next week or so I'm going to step up the walking, as much as I can, I barely made it through the mall yesterday.. I may try pineapple again, but more because I like the flavor of fresh pineapple than I think it may actually work. I've heard stairs work too, which isn't a problem thanks to our 2nd floor apartment.
Am I trying to start labor before lil man is ready? Nope. I am, however, trying to prepare my body for the easiest labor possible. I've had a hard labor and it is no fun and I do not want to be induced again. It's my experience that the easier the labors, the better the bonding with baby is. So anything I can do to prepare myself I will try.
What are some labor prepping tricks you've heard of?
Friday, April 13, 2012
Nut Up The Nose
As a child I stuck many a thing up my nose..Really. I did. I remember peas, twice...at least. A raisin or two. I don't really know what my fasination with jamming things up my nose was but I heard the stories of how my mother retireved such items many times.
As a mother I've been waiting for the first "up the nose" experience. Wondering what it would be. Big girl, at the age of 4 1/2, has never stuck anything up her nose, that I know of, and if she did it's still up there. And little girl, at 3, hadn't either. I just figured it would be my son who would christen the "up the nose" experience. ............. Until today.
We got home from my dr appointment and Hubs gave the girls some trailmix and all the sudden little girl starts crying and screaming. Hubs and I look over and ask whats wrong and Big girl informs us "non put a nut up her nose" I, being the good mother that I am, sat there and watched Hubs try to get big girl to blow it out of her nose into a tissue, as I chuckled silently about the phrase "nut up the nose" I sat and watched thinking "that's not gonna work. That's not how to you get things out of noses" In my infinate mother wisdom I pry my behind off the couch and go get my tweezers to fix this situation before it esclates into full on drama.
I grab little girls head, tell her to hold still and promptly pull the nut out of her nose and exclaim "Good grief child! How'd that fit up your nose" (it was a big nut) She's sobbing, I'm chuckling still (Probably not the best thing to do in that situation but whatever).. I calm her down and try to explain that we don't put -anything- up our noses, especially nuts.
Then big girl pipes up "Non put TWO Nuts up her nose" ...... Are ya CRAPPIN' me kid?!?!?! So I examine her nose thinking theres no way another nut could fit up there and I hear "Juuuust kidding" ........ I stopped giggling at that point.
I've officially been christened as a mother.. Foreign object up the nose.
As a mother I've been waiting for the first "up the nose" experience. Wondering what it would be. Big girl, at the age of 4 1/2, has never stuck anything up her nose, that I know of, and if she did it's still up there. And little girl, at 3, hadn't either. I just figured it would be my son who would christen the "up the nose" experience. ............. Until today.
We got home from my dr appointment and Hubs gave the girls some trailmix and all the sudden little girl starts crying and screaming. Hubs and I look over and ask whats wrong and Big girl informs us "non put a nut up her nose" I, being the good mother that I am, sat there and watched Hubs try to get big girl to blow it out of her nose into a tissue, as I chuckled silently about the phrase "nut up the nose" I sat and watched thinking "that's not gonna work. That's not how to you get things out of noses" In my infinate mother wisdom I pry my behind off the couch and go get my tweezers to fix this situation before it esclates into full on drama.
I grab little girls head, tell her to hold still and promptly pull the nut out of her nose and exclaim "Good grief child! How'd that fit up your nose" (it was a big nut) She's sobbing, I'm chuckling still (Probably not the best thing to do in that situation but whatever).. I calm her down and try to explain that we don't put -anything- up our noses, especially nuts.
Then big girl pipes up "Non put TWO Nuts up her nose" ...... Are ya CRAPPIN' me kid?!?!?! So I examine her nose thinking theres no way another nut could fit up there and I hear "Juuuust kidding" ........ I stopped giggling at that point.
I've officially been christened as a mother.. Foreign object up the nose.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Tuesday's 10: Things That Might Make Hubs Leave Me
I've fallen off the blogging wagon..more or less because I am 15 months pregnant. So in honor of today's Tuesday 10 I give you:
10 Things That Might Make Hubs Leave Me Before I Have This Child:
1. I've become bossy. More bossy than usual. I'm having more and more emotional breakdowns, usually about how things aren't ready or perfectly planned,or the oven isn't clean enough and I'm saying the phrase "Make it happen!" more and more often. Along with the phrase "I don't care! Figure it out!!" God Bless that man!
2. I'm averaging 3lbs of strawberries a week. Unfortunatly for Hubs I saw in the Albertsons flyer that this week they have 3lbs of strawberries for $3.99.. Limit is 2.. He'll be going and buying 2... most likely every other day. He's told me I have to stop or else he'll have to take out a loan.
3. I commonly refer to myself as a Narwhal and to take me outside and toss cool dirt on me to cool me down, like they do to the stranded whales.
4. I'm having a major nesting issue. Hubs is always looking for his boots or a power cord or some other piece of something that I have "put away" and don't remember where I put them because I have preggo brain.
5. I've threatened to get him schnackered and give him a home "man surgery" if he doesn't stop knocking me up.
6. Mornings don't work out well for me. I'm not my normal, beautiful, shining, vibrant self. I'm more along the lines of serial killer. I've heard the phrase uttered "Kids..don't even look at your mom..don't talk to her, just leave..her..alone" I'm thinking that all the 'breakfast in bed' I've been getting are not because he's being sweet.. I think he's more or less protecting himself and the kids from me until I have food in my system.
7. I can only sleep in a certain position...which means Hubs is confined to a certain position.. I'm not sure if it's a comfortable position or not for him........ I feel a little bit bad about that.
8. My normal outfit at home is his huge long sleeve Winter PT shirt. It's huge on him and he's 6ft, 230lbs... It's really not attractive on me. I also sport a pair of his PT shorts... which look like I'm wearing a parachute.
9. During the first few months of this pregnancy his smell offended me. His normal bodily smell made me wanna hurl. (that's eased up a bit, though)
10. He's not allowed to talk about women who aren't pregnant. They are skinny, happy, perky, and in good moods. I consider all threats. He gets an earful when his soldiers (who are females and aren't pregnant) ask me "are you ready to have that baby yet" I tell him he better smoke them... Im not sure if he actually does..ok, he probably doesn't. I don't *really* hate females.. I'm just 900lbs and 15 months pregnant.
Dear Hubs.. If you are reading this.. I love you. Please don't leave me. I will be normal again in a month or so. I promise. It's all your sons fault. He's doing this to me. You're incredible and haven't left me yet..except for the other night when you left..but you brought back icecream so you're forgiven. I love you! hehehehe :-D
10 Things That Might Make Hubs Leave Me Before I Have This Child:
1. I've become bossy. More bossy than usual. I'm having more and more emotional breakdowns, usually about how things aren't ready or perfectly planned,or the oven isn't clean enough and I'm saying the phrase "Make it happen!" more and more often. Along with the phrase "I don't care! Figure it out!!" God Bless that man!
2. I'm averaging 3lbs of strawberries a week. Unfortunatly for Hubs I saw in the Albertsons flyer that this week they have 3lbs of strawberries for $3.99.. Limit is 2.. He'll be going and buying 2... most likely every other day. He's told me I have to stop or else he'll have to take out a loan.
3. I commonly refer to myself as a Narwhal and to take me outside and toss cool dirt on me to cool me down, like they do to the stranded whales.
4. I'm having a major nesting issue. Hubs is always looking for his boots or a power cord or some other piece of something that I have "put away" and don't remember where I put them because I have preggo brain.
5. I've threatened to get him schnackered and give him a home "man surgery" if he doesn't stop knocking me up.
6. Mornings don't work out well for me. I'm not my normal, beautiful, shining, vibrant self. I'm more along the lines of serial killer. I've heard the phrase uttered "Kids..don't even look at your mom..don't talk to her, just leave..her..alone" I'm thinking that all the 'breakfast in bed' I've been getting are not because he's being sweet.. I think he's more or less protecting himself and the kids from me until I have food in my system.
7. I can only sleep in a certain position...which means Hubs is confined to a certain position.. I'm not sure if it's a comfortable position or not for him........ I feel a little bit bad about that.
8. My normal outfit at home is his huge long sleeve Winter PT shirt. It's huge on him and he's 6ft, 230lbs... It's really not attractive on me. I also sport a pair of his PT shorts... which look like I'm wearing a parachute.
9. During the first few months of this pregnancy his smell offended me. His normal bodily smell made me wanna hurl. (that's eased up a bit, though)
10. He's not allowed to talk about women who aren't pregnant. They are skinny, happy, perky, and in good moods. I consider all threats. He gets an earful when his soldiers (who are females and aren't pregnant) ask me "are you ready to have that baby yet" I tell him he better smoke them... Im not sure if he actually does..ok, he probably doesn't. I don't *really* hate females.. I'm just 900lbs and 15 months pregnant.
Dear Hubs.. If you are reading this.. I love you. Please don't leave me. I will be normal again in a month or so. I promise. It's all your sons fault. He's doing this to me. You're incredible and haven't left me yet..except for the other night when you left..but you brought back icecream so you're forgiven. I love you! hehehehe :-D
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
There arose such a clatter................ In El Paso
It was 12:30am. All was quiet in sleepy house. Pregs had just fallen into a blissful sleep when all of a sudden there arose such a clatter.... our doorbell being obnoxiously hit upon...time and time again. So, being the strong Army wife that I am I woke up hubs... My first thought being that if we are about to get robbed I want him to open the door, but then I realized nobody rings a doorbell before they rob you....or do they? Maybe they were polite theives.. Or Police, in which case it would be best if Hubs answered the door anyways because I freeze around Police. Throw my hands up and say "OKAY I DID IT!!! TAKE ME!" even if I didn't. (I'm Police-a-phobic)
Hubs got up and stood there by the door..........while they continued their assult on our doorbell. I'm not exactly sure why he just stood there instead of opening the door so they could quit their assult because at this point I was scared I would have two kids awake also and I didn't want them to see me being taken away to jail for some unknown crime.
He finally snapped out of it and did his manly duty and found out what the "intruders" wanted.
Turns out that the 'intruders' were none other than the "Samoans 3 doors down" (We totally nickname all our neighbors, they live next to 'Smokers magoo') letting us know that our dome lights were on in the car.
I didn't know whether to be pleased that they were so kind to alert us or irritated that they thought it was acceptable to blow up my doorbell in such a manner when my house was obviously dark and after 5 minutes of nobody answering the door, they still continued on their mission.
I'm leaning more towards irritated because should our battery have died Hubs could have dealt with that at 430am when he got up, but I'm kinda mean like that.
Hubs and pregs fell into a blissful (okay, well, he did) sleep with our last words being "wow.. That was weird"
Pregs heaved a sigh of relief that, once again, she missed the strong arm of the Law.
And to all A GoodNight!
Hubs got up and stood there by the door..........while they continued their assult on our doorbell. I'm not exactly sure why he just stood there instead of opening the door so they could quit their assult because at this point I was scared I would have two kids awake also and I didn't want them to see me being taken away to jail for some unknown crime.
He finally snapped out of it and did his manly duty and found out what the "intruders" wanted.
Turns out that the 'intruders' were none other than the "Samoans 3 doors down" (We totally nickname all our neighbors, they live next to 'Smokers magoo') letting us know that our dome lights were on in the car.
I didn't know whether to be pleased that they were so kind to alert us or irritated that they thought it was acceptable to blow up my doorbell in such a manner when my house was obviously dark and after 5 minutes of nobody answering the door, they still continued on their mission.
I'm leaning more towards irritated because should our battery have died Hubs could have dealt with that at 430am when he got up, but I'm kinda mean like that.
Hubs and pregs fell into a blissful (okay, well, he did) sleep with our last words being "wow.. That was weird"
Pregs heaved a sigh of relief that, once again, she missed the strong arm of the Law.
And to all A GoodNight!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Tuesday's 10
1. Parent Teacher confrences were today. I am SO proud of my big girl! She's doing amazing and all the issues that were brought up last time she has fixed and is doing wonderfully. PROUD momma!! Her teachers exact words "Whatever you are doing with her, keep it up" Yay!
2. Theres drama at Hubs work. He's being shafted. This really, -really- pisses me off. Written up for something that was not his fault and it was worded in a way that makes it sound waaayyy worse than what it was and doesn't tell the whole story. Mess with those I love and I will be your worst nightmare! 16 weeks until we are done.. 16 weeks! The part that makes me mad, everything we have given to this unit, 3 years of deployments, 8 years of service and this is what we get 16 weeks before we are done. This is the treatment we get. I'm, frankly, about to cut my volunteer ties with the unit at this point.
3. Yup..I totally put that out there. No, I dont care.
4. I have the worlds biggest headache
5. My body is a on a "sleep crappy for 3 nights, pass out 1 night" cycle. I hate it. Unfortnatly, I'm on day 2 of "crappy sleep" tonight.
6. My youngest is making me so tired lately. Her moods, her drama, her crying and fits..no napping during the day, fighting sleep at night *sigh*
7. From 630am until nearly 9pm I am Mom.. 100% mom. no breaks. I am so so exausted
8. I'm looking forward to being in the hospital after Boy is born. Medicine, I get to stay in bed, they bring me food, I can watch whatever I want on my tv. Labor..totally worth it. Homebirth..no way Jose. I'm not about to have a baby then get up and make dinner.
9. Craving crunchy things. Ate a whole bag of Pita chips yesterday.
10. It's looking to be the same sort of deal today only with Tortilla chips
2. Theres drama at Hubs work. He's being shafted. This really, -really- pisses me off. Written up for something that was not his fault and it was worded in a way that makes it sound waaayyy worse than what it was and doesn't tell the whole story. Mess with those I love and I will be your worst nightmare! 16 weeks until we are done.. 16 weeks! The part that makes me mad, everything we have given to this unit, 3 years of deployments, 8 years of service and this is what we get 16 weeks before we are done. This is the treatment we get. I'm, frankly, about to cut my volunteer ties with the unit at this point.
3. Yup..I totally put that out there. No, I dont care.
4. I have the worlds biggest headache
5. My body is a on a "sleep crappy for 3 nights, pass out 1 night" cycle. I hate it. Unfortnatly, I'm on day 2 of "crappy sleep" tonight.
6. My youngest is making me so tired lately. Her moods, her drama, her crying and fits..no napping during the day, fighting sleep at night *sigh*
7. From 630am until nearly 9pm I am Mom.. 100% mom. no breaks. I am so so exausted
8. I'm looking forward to being in the hospital after Boy is born. Medicine, I get to stay in bed, they bring me food, I can watch whatever I want on my tv. Labor..totally worth it. Homebirth..no way Jose. I'm not about to have a baby then get up and make dinner.
9. Craving crunchy things. Ate a whole bag of Pita chips yesterday.
10. It's looking to be the same sort of deal today only with Tortilla chips
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Lottery Winner
With the big 640 Million dollar lottery that was last night I've been thinking about how I would spend the money if I were to win the lottery.
First off, We'd give our parents, grandparents, and siblings (that's it, don't ask) a million to help them live comfortably.
We'd give each of our kids a million, for COLLEGE only, and it would be put in a fund that could only be used for college. I'm not going to facilitate partying and buying extravogant cars and wrecking them at 16yrs old.
We'd put away enough to retire on, enough to retire at 45-50yrs old and live comfortable.
We'd have a house built. A forever house. Nothing huge or extravogant. A big enough place to live comfortably and retire in. 4-5 bedrooms, a couple baths.
I'd also get furniture upgrades, on everything. Couch sets, bedroom sets, dining sets. Since we've been married we've never, and still don't have matching furniture.
I'd buy Hubs a Buick Rivira Boat tail. (I hope I got that right) and I'd buy myself some cute little car.
And we'd pay off our house and vehicle we have now.
And that's it. I don't know what else I'd do with the money, the other 600+ million we'd have left over. Give it to charities or something, not sure. Would we quit working? Probably not. Hubs and I can't be around each other that much. bwahahaha
So, What would you do if you won the lottery?
First off, We'd give our parents, grandparents, and siblings (that's it, don't ask) a million to help them live comfortably.
We'd give each of our kids a million, for COLLEGE only, and it would be put in a fund that could only be used for college. I'm not going to facilitate partying and buying extravogant cars and wrecking them at 16yrs old.
We'd put away enough to retire on, enough to retire at 45-50yrs old and live comfortable.
We'd have a house built. A forever house. Nothing huge or extravogant. A big enough place to live comfortably and retire in. 4-5 bedrooms, a couple baths.
I'd also get furniture upgrades, on everything. Couch sets, bedroom sets, dining sets. Since we've been married we've never, and still don't have matching furniture.
I'd buy Hubs a Buick Rivira Boat tail. (I hope I got that right) and I'd buy myself some cute little car.
And we'd pay off our house and vehicle we have now.
And that's it. I don't know what else I'd do with the money, the other 600+ million we'd have left over. Give it to charities or something, not sure. Would we quit working? Probably not. Hubs and I can't be around each other that much. bwahahaha
So, What would you do if you won the lottery?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Mommy of 1...... Mommy of 3
Mommy of 1: Doesn't dare let her child wear her pants backwards
Mommy of 3: ... at least she has pants on
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Mommy of 1: Doesn't dare let her child eat just black olives and strawberries for lunch
Mommy of 3: Olives: Veggie, Strawberries: Fruit, Force down 2 bites of chicken with the bribe of having icecream and you got yourself a meal.
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Mommy of 1: Doesn't let her child wear her shoes on the wrong feet
Mommy of 3: YAY! She put on her own shoes and she's proud of it.
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Mommy of 1: Cowboy boots and capri's that don't match.. "Not happening Miss Diva"
Mommy of 3: "Are you sure you want to wear that?" "yes" "okay..if you really think it looks nice!" "I Do"
Mommy of 3: ... at least she has pants on
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Mommy of 1: Doesn't dare let her child eat just black olives and strawberries for lunch
Mommy of 3: Olives: Veggie, Strawberries: Fruit, Force down 2 bites of chicken with the bribe of having icecream and you got yourself a meal.
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Mommy of 1: Doesn't let her child wear her shoes on the wrong feet
Mommy of 3: YAY! She put on her own shoes and she's proud of it.
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Mommy of 1: Cowboy boots and capri's that don't match.. "Not happening Miss Diva"
Mommy of 3: "Are you sure you want to wear that?" "yes" "okay..if you really think it looks nice!" "I Do"
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tuesday's 10
1. I'm baaaaaaaaaack. We were on vacation and then we had a slight computer malfunction
2. I can't stand mornings. The girls are awake and hyper and asking all sorts of questions I don't know the answer to because I am still 1/2 asleep, like "What day is it" and "what's for lunch" Insta-headache.
3. I'm 34 weeks.. I feel huge, uncomfortable, and tired all the time.
4. It's 85 degrees everyday and our Apartments refuse to turn on the stupid swamp cooler. Such heat has led to contractions and general crankiness. Wonder if I can get a doctors note...hmmm
5. I only have about a month left of being pegnant.. We still need a carseat and a mattress, along with some other littlish stuff... We gotta get crackin. Like, pronto.
6. If you haven't "liked" my Facebook Page "My Life As An Army Wife" Go do it!! Go! Now!
7. We had a fabulous time in Tucson. We got spoiled rotten. Beautiful city, beautiful people, We even had some amazing rain on our last morning there. It was the break we needed! The Job opportunity that took us there didn't pan out but that's okay, we still needed the break.
8. Best part about Tucson: Eegees!!! mmmmmmmmmmmmm
9. A Turtle Blizzard cures heartburn. No joke.
10. it really freaks me out to think that I'll have a baby again here soon. I hope I didn't forget everything. 3 years was too long inbetween kids.
2. I can't stand mornings. The girls are awake and hyper and asking all sorts of questions I don't know the answer to because I am still 1/2 asleep, like "What day is it" and "what's for lunch" Insta-headache.
3. I'm 34 weeks.. I feel huge, uncomfortable, and tired all the time.
4. It's 85 degrees everyday and our Apartments refuse to turn on the stupid swamp cooler. Such heat has led to contractions and general crankiness. Wonder if I can get a doctors note...hmmm
5. I only have about a month left of being pegnant.. We still need a carseat and a mattress, along with some other littlish stuff... We gotta get crackin. Like, pronto.
6. If you haven't "liked" my Facebook Page "My Life As An Army Wife" Go do it!! Go! Now!
7. We had a fabulous time in Tucson. We got spoiled rotten. Beautiful city, beautiful people, We even had some amazing rain on our last morning there. It was the break we needed! The Job opportunity that took us there didn't pan out but that's okay, we still needed the break.
8. Best part about Tucson: Eegees!!! mmmmmmmmmmmmm
9. A Turtle Blizzard cures heartburn. No joke.
10. it really freaks me out to think that I'll have a baby again here soon. I hope I didn't forget everything. 3 years was too long inbetween kids.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The Process of Parenting Together
I'm experiencing a rare treat today. I'm sitting at home, alone, with my little girl who is sick, babying her. Like a normal mom. We've all been sick with colds and grossness for the past week, last night lil girl spiked a huge fever, wouldn't eat or drink and wouldn't stop crying so we took her into the ER. Actually the Hubs did. That was hard for me. I've always, always been the one to take them to the ER or Doctor, but I was told that since I was on the upswing of this cold and pregnant I needed to stay home. What a rare treat. A scary, rare treat. Ever since we've had kids they are either sick when Hubs is working or deployed so it rests on my shoulders. It was my burden. There was no "Sorry 1Sgt, I have 2 sick kids and a sick wife, I gotta go home" Doesn't work that way. There are no sick days. As the wife you deal with it and keep going. It's really hard partially turning over the reins to someone else. Having faith that they -can- do it.
Then this morning I was letting Hubs sleep in, as he's on leave, and I got the girls all bathed and dressed, myself showered, and had plans to take them and go get lil girls medicines and other stuff we needed at the store because that's what I lived the past 3 years when he was deployed. If a child is sick then we load up and go to the store and get medicine. Sorry to infect the rest of the world but that's what we had to do. I was alone. I have never ever stayed home with a sick child to let them rest while medicines were being picked up and popcicles were being bought. Hubs has been home 9 months and even now I struggle with turning over the reins to him. It's something I have to do though, for him. He needs to feel like he's taking part in our kids lives and being a real dad.
This morning when he got up and informed me that he was taking Big girl and getting the medicines and running some other errands and that I should stay home with lil girl and let her rest I was actually upset. How dare he? How dare he try to take over my plan? I'm capable. I can do it. Just go back to bed and let me do it myself, it's what I always do. How dare he try to take over. Then I realized, why can't he? He's home. He's off work this week for leave. He's capable. It -would- be best if lil miss stayed home and rested. I'm almost 8 months pregnant. I don't need the stress of taking two kids out and waiting in a pharmacy. Is this what normal dads do? Is this how normal people do things? (Normal meaning not Military) Then I realized what a treat this is. I am home with my sick baby and able to baby her and care for her with my full attention.
I'm ashamed to say that still, after 9 months, of him being here I still struggle to hand over the parenting duties. I struggle with letting him parent. I struggle with letting him help. I've done it all for so long that it's hard change gears. It's a slow process. I know that I have to. I want to. I just don't know what it's like to parent with someone consistantly for a period of time. I feel like my toes are being stepped on.
He didn't ask me to do it. He didn't leave big girl here with me. He didn't ask me to take her to the ER and expose myself to all those germs. He stepped up and is taking care of everything when he could be asleep still or sitting here at home in his PJ's. Isn't that what I wanted during those long years of deployments? Help and for him to step up.
It's a slow process of turning over the reins little by little to him and letting him be a real father. Not a long distance father. It's a process of letting him feel some of the stress the kids cause at times instead of me solely dealing with it.
I'm not ashamed to admit that it's a hard process to work though. One that takes time and patience on both our parts. Maybe one day I will understand how you Civilans do it. Seems foreign to me at the moment though.
Then this morning I was letting Hubs sleep in, as he's on leave, and I got the girls all bathed and dressed, myself showered, and had plans to take them and go get lil girls medicines and other stuff we needed at the store because that's what I lived the past 3 years when he was deployed. If a child is sick then we load up and go to the store and get medicine. Sorry to infect the rest of the world but that's what we had to do. I was alone. I have never ever stayed home with a sick child to let them rest while medicines were being picked up and popcicles were being bought. Hubs has been home 9 months and even now I struggle with turning over the reins to him. It's something I have to do though, for him. He needs to feel like he's taking part in our kids lives and being a real dad.
This morning when he got up and informed me that he was taking Big girl and getting the medicines and running some other errands and that I should stay home with lil girl and let her rest I was actually upset. How dare he? How dare he try to take over my plan? I'm capable. I can do it. Just go back to bed and let me do it myself, it's what I always do. How dare he try to take over. Then I realized, why can't he? He's home. He's off work this week for leave. He's capable. It -would- be best if lil miss stayed home and rested. I'm almost 8 months pregnant. I don't need the stress of taking two kids out and waiting in a pharmacy. Is this what normal dads do? Is this how normal people do things? (Normal meaning not Military) Then I realized what a treat this is. I am home with my sick baby and able to baby her and care for her with my full attention.
I'm ashamed to say that still, after 9 months, of him being here I still struggle to hand over the parenting duties. I struggle with letting him parent. I struggle with letting him help. I've done it all for so long that it's hard change gears. It's a slow process. I know that I have to. I want to. I just don't know what it's like to parent with someone consistantly for a period of time. I feel like my toes are being stepped on.
He didn't ask me to do it. He didn't leave big girl here with me. He didn't ask me to take her to the ER and expose myself to all those germs. He stepped up and is taking care of everything when he could be asleep still or sitting here at home in his PJ's. Isn't that what I wanted during those long years of deployments? Help and for him to step up.
It's a slow process of turning over the reins little by little to him and letting him be a real father. Not a long distance father. It's a process of letting him feel some of the stress the kids cause at times instead of me solely dealing with it.
I'm not ashamed to admit that it's a hard process to work though. One that takes time and patience on both our parts. Maybe one day I will understand how you Civilans do it. Seems foreign to me at the moment though.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Reasons Why Your Dog Isn't A Child
Disclaimer: Most of the below blog is done in jest. This is not directed at any one person, place, or thing. It is for informational and humerous purposes. Do not send hate mail. Love kids. Love Dogs. But they are two very different things. It's like comparing Apples to Oranges. If you have already have had kids you completely understand.
I'm as much of a dog lover as the next person. I miss our dog terribly and I miss the companionship. Love all dogs. (unless they try to eat me) Think they are pretty awesome (most of the time..when they aren't puking in my house) But I am up to -here- with people comparing their dogs to kids. So to help them realize that they are terribly wrong I have compiled a list of Reasons Why Your Dog is not like my child.
1. If your dog gets spastic you can stick him/her in a cage... It's not advised that I do that with my kids.
2. Your dog sleeps during the day. My kids don't.
3. You can put a muzzle on your dog to stop the barking. I cannot do that with my child. I have to listen to 45 mins of "why"
4. Dogs get fleas. My kids don't.
5. If you want to go on vacation it's a whole lot easier to find a kennel or dog sitter for the week than it is to find someone to take on my kids for a week.
6. You can walk your dog on a leash so that lil pooch doesn't run off at the park. Again, not advised that I do that with my kids.
7. If your dog pees on the floor you stick Fido in his cage. I get to clean up the pee with a wild child running around and possibly through the pee. There are no cages.
8. You can go out on a random date night at the spur of the moment and leave Fido at home. I cannot. There are many times I go through the trouble of finding a babysitter and she cancels and I -still- can't go out.
9. I have to wipe poopy butts. You can send your dog outside to deal with their poop issues on their own.
10. If Fido gets completely crazy and you need a break you can always send him outside and not have to worry about peeking out every 2 minutes to make sure nobody has kidnapped him.
11. Fido rides quietly in the car on nice road trips. Kids don't. They test your very limits of sanity.
If anyone is still confused by this list I am willing to lend out my child to you for the day. That should clear up any confusion you have left.
I'm as much of a dog lover as the next person. I miss our dog terribly and I miss the companionship. Love all dogs. (unless they try to eat me) Think they are pretty awesome (most of the time..when they aren't puking in my house) But I am up to -here- with people comparing their dogs to kids. So to help them realize that they are terribly wrong I have compiled a list of Reasons Why Your Dog is not like my child.
1. If your dog gets spastic you can stick him/her in a cage... It's not advised that I do that with my kids.
2. Your dog sleeps during the day. My kids don't.
3. You can put a muzzle on your dog to stop the barking. I cannot do that with my child. I have to listen to 45 mins of "why"
4. Dogs get fleas. My kids don't.
5. If you want to go on vacation it's a whole lot easier to find a kennel or dog sitter for the week than it is to find someone to take on my kids for a week.
6. You can walk your dog on a leash so that lil pooch doesn't run off at the park. Again, not advised that I do that with my kids.
7. If your dog pees on the floor you stick Fido in his cage. I get to clean up the pee with a wild child running around and possibly through the pee. There are no cages.
8. You can go out on a random date night at the spur of the moment and leave Fido at home. I cannot. There are many times I go through the trouble of finding a babysitter and she cancels and I -still- can't go out.
9. I have to wipe poopy butts. You can send your dog outside to deal with their poop issues on their own.
10. If Fido gets completely crazy and you need a break you can always send him outside and not have to worry about peeking out every 2 minutes to make sure nobody has kidnapped him.
11. Fido rides quietly in the car on nice road trips. Kids don't. They test your very limits of sanity.
If anyone is still confused by this list I am willing to lend out my child to you for the day. That should clear up any confusion you have left.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Things I Never Thought I'd Say:
Get the cat out of your butt!!!! (No actual animals were hurt, it was a small toy cat..which I sanitized, promptly)
Go Potty before your dad gets home, it will make him so excited if you do!
Eat your chicken! No more broccoli until you do!
Your sister is not an elephant! Get off of her
Let's give baby bubba your paci, he's crying! I can hear him! (she gave me the paci.. And I put it down the front of my shirt so baby bubba could get it... Then I forgot it was there until I got ready for bed that night.. note: check cleavage before going to a dr appt)
If you go to sleep right now we will have an amazing party tomorrow morning, with pancakes!
Go Potty before your dad gets home, it will make him so excited if you do!
Eat your chicken! No more broccoli until you do!
Your sister is not an elephant! Get off of her
Let's give baby bubba your paci, he's crying! I can hear him! (she gave me the paci.. And I put it down the front of my shirt so baby bubba could get it... Then I forgot it was there until I got ready for bed that night.. note: check cleavage before going to a dr appt)
If you go to sleep right now we will have an amazing party tomorrow morning, with pancakes!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
4 year olds and You tube
Big girl knows that she is only allowed to watch certain shows on my Ipad. (ie: NOT Bratz and other teenagerish shows) I walked into my room where she was watching TV to see what she was watching and tell her it was time for bed and saw her watching Youtube... A tutorial on How to make Playdough.
Me: You're watching how to make playdough?
Her: yah
Me: really!?!? You're watching how to make playdough?!
She stares at me for a second and says: Is that a bad show to watch?
Me, laughing: No
Her: Oh, okay, Well then I want to watch more "How to do things shows" tomorrow, Okay mom?
I stared at her.............. Okay.
I have no clue how she found how to make playdough on Youtube... She can't even read.
Then yesterday morning she was putting her plate in the sink after breakfast and spilled some of her eggs onto the rug I have by the sink. She grabs the broom to clean it up and I tell her that the broom probably won't work well on the rug and I can take care of it in a second. She stares at me for a second and says "Mom.. I need you to just trust me on this, it'll work. I can do it"
She also watched a tutorial on youtube this morning (before I was awake) on how to make some sort of Mickey chocolate tower with fruit inside. She runs into my room (Before..I'm..awake) and is yelling "mom, mom, look, look, I want to make this treat for Valentines Day or Easter, We have everything to make it" So I pry my eyes open..because..I..Wasn't..awake.. and say "uh huh..okay..we'll see" I get up and she shows me the cabinet that her and her sister had gone through to 'show me all the ingredients' ....... Cinnamon, Liquid Fruit Pectin, and squirtable icing will apparently make a chocolate Mickey Mouse tower with fruit inside.
Should I be concerned that my 4 year old is watching..and operating, correctly, youtube? I'm thinking I need to start investing so that she can go to Harvard.
Me: You're watching how to make playdough?
Her: yah
Me: really!?!? You're watching how to make playdough?!
She stares at me for a second and says: Is that a bad show to watch?
Me, laughing: No
Her: Oh, okay, Well then I want to watch more "How to do things shows" tomorrow, Okay mom?
I stared at her.............. Okay.
I have no clue how she found how to make playdough on Youtube... She can't even read.
Then yesterday morning she was putting her plate in the sink after breakfast and spilled some of her eggs onto the rug I have by the sink. She grabs the broom to clean it up and I tell her that the broom probably won't work well on the rug and I can take care of it in a second. She stares at me for a second and says "Mom.. I need you to just trust me on this, it'll work. I can do it"
She also watched a tutorial on youtube this morning (before I was awake) on how to make some sort of Mickey chocolate tower with fruit inside. She runs into my room (Before..I'm..awake) and is yelling "mom, mom, look, look, I want to make this treat for Valentines Day or Easter, We have everything to make it" So I pry my eyes open..because..I..Wasn't..awake.. and say "uh huh..okay..we'll see" I get up and she shows me the cabinet that her and her sister had gone through to 'show me all the ingredients' ....... Cinnamon, Liquid Fruit Pectin, and squirtable icing will apparently make a chocolate Mickey Mouse tower with fruit inside.
Should I be concerned that my 4 year old is watching..and operating, correctly, youtube? I'm thinking I need to start investing so that she can go to Harvard.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Tuesday's 10
1. In the past week we've had unstoppable nosebleed, ER, unstoppable Nosebleed, Dr, Dr again, 24 hr duty for the hubs which means 48 hour mommy duty, and 2 sick adults.
2. Hence why this blog has been neglected
3. I dreamed I chain smoked Cigs last night... Apparently I'm under a bit of stress.
4. Newest craving: Shrimp w tartar sauce and the icky Cup O Noodles, instant lunch thing. Can't remember ever eating one before because they've gone against everything I believe in, but as I type, I'm letting one "cook". This kid is definatly his fathers'... Cheese, Peanut Butter, fake noodle soupish things. Yick
5. It's becoming impossible to put on shoes that tie.
6. I think it's time to remove people from my life that bring me down. Life is too short to be brought down. You don't -have- to keep associating with people.
7. I had the bed to myself last night. Best sleep I've had in awhile. This could pose a problem.
8. Special K Cracker Chips........ Delish
9. Now big girl has a science fair.......... *sigh*
10. Time to go see if my cup o noodles is all that I anticipate it being.
2. Hence why this blog has been neglected
3. I dreamed I chain smoked Cigs last night... Apparently I'm under a bit of stress.
4. Newest craving: Shrimp w tartar sauce and the icky Cup O Noodles, instant lunch thing. Can't remember ever eating one before because they've gone against everything I believe in, but as I type, I'm letting one "cook". This kid is definatly his fathers'... Cheese, Peanut Butter, fake noodle soupish things. Yick
5. It's becoming impossible to put on shoes that tie.
6. I think it's time to remove people from my life that bring me down. Life is too short to be brought down. You don't -have- to keep associating with people.
7. I had the bed to myself last night. Best sleep I've had in awhile. This could pose a problem.
8. Special K Cracker Chips........ Delish
9. Now big girl has a science fair.......... *sigh*
10. Time to go see if my cup o noodles is all that I anticipate it being.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tuesday's 10
1. We have a microwave!! After 6 months of no microwave someone gave us one. The kids are SOO excited! Big girl says "YAY!! now we can have popcorn!!" Little girl wants to microwave everything, even her cereal.
2. I got 10 hours of sleep last night.. Apparently that's how much I need to feel rested because I'm feeling fairly good today.
3. Why is everyone so hyped about Angelina Jolie's nappy, skinny, ugly leg and the fact she felt the need to flaunt it? It's gross..not attractive..and stupid.
4. For the past two days my kids have gone from one extreme to the other. Hyper, screaming, playing then fighting, tattling, whining. There has been no inbetween.
5. I'm really really tired of seeing Angelina's ugly leg.. It really is an ugly leg. She needs a few cupcakes.
6. It's time to play some serious catch up today.
7. New rule for my kids: If you need me, come to me. Don't sit there and holler at me non stop.
8. I'm getting really tired of people harping on me that Lil girl isn't fully potty trained yet. Yes, I know she's 3. She just started being ready, within the past few months. I played the other game where I try to force a child to be potty trained, doesn't work. So instead of fighting with lil girl for the past year I've let her be and now that she's ready she's mastering it. No accidents in 5 days with very little help on my part! I refuse to push a kid to potty train.
9. Little girl just called me "her babboon"... I guess that's better than what she called her dad.. "bad babboon" We're the babboon family.
10. Dear Angelina: Bony is not hot! Krispy Kremes will cure that leg issue you're having. I am not Team Bradgelina. Team Jennifer all the way!
2. I got 10 hours of sleep last night.. Apparently that's how much I need to feel rested because I'm feeling fairly good today.
3. Why is everyone so hyped about Angelina Jolie's nappy, skinny, ugly leg and the fact she felt the need to flaunt it? It's gross..not attractive..and stupid.
4. For the past two days my kids have gone from one extreme to the other. Hyper, screaming, playing then fighting, tattling, whining. There has been no inbetween.
5. I'm really really tired of seeing Angelina's ugly leg.. It really is an ugly leg. She needs a few cupcakes.
6. It's time to play some serious catch up today.
7. New rule for my kids: If you need me, come to me. Don't sit there and holler at me non stop.
8. I'm getting really tired of people harping on me that Lil girl isn't fully potty trained yet. Yes, I know she's 3. She just started being ready, within the past few months. I played the other game where I try to force a child to be potty trained, doesn't work. So instead of fighting with lil girl for the past year I've let her be and now that she's ready she's mastering it. No accidents in 5 days with very little help on my part! I refuse to push a kid to potty train.
9. Little girl just called me "her babboon"... I guess that's better than what she called her dad.. "bad babboon" We're the babboon family.
10. Dear Angelina: Bony is not hot! Krispy Kremes will cure that leg issue you're having. I am not Team Bradgelina. Team Jennifer all the way!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Too Tired to Think Of a Title..................
Tired doesn't even begin to express what I'm feeling today. I'm exausted, worn out, ready for the weekend..and it's only Monday. Sleep is becoming more and more rare. Between my aches and uncomfortableness and the kids, a solid nights sleep is unheard of and all it takes is one really bad night to knock me on my butt. Sleeping in is also unheard of. It's been weeks..upon weeks..upon weeks since I've slept in past 6:30. For those who have been pregnant, it's hard enough to be 30 weeks, let alone 30 weeks, 2 kids, one in the ER, and all the stress we have piled up on us at the moment.
Last night I was awake from 11-2:30 off and on. Uncomfortable and then little girl got up with bad dreams, thirsty, hungry, 'not tired', and I dealt with that stuff.. dozed from 2:30-5:30 and big girl was up because, well, I'm not quite sure but she got put back in bed.. 6am rolls around and big girl is up again saying her nose is bleeding. I pried my eyes open as much as humanly possible to see a small dot of blood on a tissue. Fine, whatever, go lay on the couch and watch cartoons. Then the next 30 minutes were filled with "mooomm, more bleed!" until I finally realized that any more sleep wasn't going to happen.
By 7:30 her nose wasn't any better and was ebbing towards worse so I called the tele nurse who told me to take her to the ER.. yay..ER run! Exactly what I wanted to do instead of sitting in my robe trying to be alert. Hubs came home and off we went.. and sat there until 10:30. She's fine, no worries. Dry desert air, blah blah, don't know why it won't quit. whatever. To the nice surprise that she couldn't go to school today. Unfortunatly today was Crazy Hat day and the day daddy got to eat lunch with her at school. So glad we worked on a stinkin crazy hat all weekend for her to not be able to wear. I actually had high hopes this afternoon, having both of them home, we'd all cuddle on the couch and watch a movie.. ya..not happening.
So now here I am.. No rest in sight because with two home they keep picking at each other and fighting and arguing and can't agree on one movie to watch. And as soon as there is a lull of 15 mins of quiet one of them comes up with a new crisis. The latest, big girl comes running up to be near tears because she has to go to the bathroom... so GOO!!! Don't tell me, Don't wail, just.. go.
On a more positive note, today I hit 30 weeks. wow. In less than 10 weeks will be having a little boy! Holy Macaroons! We're also counting down to March 12th, which is little girls spring break and Hubs is actually taking leave for two weeks! We haven't had leave without moving or a dire circumstance in... far too long. We will also be taking a trip to see Joshs grandma and for him to do some testing. I.. can't.. wait. A Semi-vacay. Work vacay..but vacay nonetheless! I'm trying to hang on until then, hoping after this little trip we will all come back recharged and positive and ready to tackle anything. Stress is knocking at every door. Uncertainty is around every corner. And at this point, I really see no light at the end of our tunnel.. our long term tunnel.
At this point we really really need a fresh dose of energy, rest, recouperation, and happiness and we are praying that comes fast! As for today, I will survive. Believe it or not, tiredness will -not- kill you and I will get through today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I hope.
Last night I was awake from 11-2:30 off and on. Uncomfortable and then little girl got up with bad dreams, thirsty, hungry, 'not tired', and I dealt with that stuff.. dozed from 2:30-5:30 and big girl was up because, well, I'm not quite sure but she got put back in bed.. 6am rolls around and big girl is up again saying her nose is bleeding. I pried my eyes open as much as humanly possible to see a small dot of blood on a tissue. Fine, whatever, go lay on the couch and watch cartoons. Then the next 30 minutes were filled with "mooomm, more bleed!" until I finally realized that any more sleep wasn't going to happen.
By 7:30 her nose wasn't any better and was ebbing towards worse so I called the tele nurse who told me to take her to the ER.. yay..ER run! Exactly what I wanted to do instead of sitting in my robe trying to be alert. Hubs came home and off we went.. and sat there until 10:30. She's fine, no worries. Dry desert air, blah blah, don't know why it won't quit. whatever. To the nice surprise that she couldn't go to school today. Unfortunatly today was Crazy Hat day and the day daddy got to eat lunch with her at school. So glad we worked on a stinkin crazy hat all weekend for her to not be able to wear. I actually had high hopes this afternoon, having both of them home, we'd all cuddle on the couch and watch a movie.. ya..not happening.
So now here I am.. No rest in sight because with two home they keep picking at each other and fighting and arguing and can't agree on one movie to watch. And as soon as there is a lull of 15 mins of quiet one of them comes up with a new crisis. The latest, big girl comes running up to be near tears because she has to go to the bathroom... so GOO!!! Don't tell me, Don't wail, just.. go.
On a more positive note, today I hit 30 weeks. wow. In less than 10 weeks will be having a little boy! Holy Macaroons! We're also counting down to March 12th, which is little girls spring break and Hubs is actually taking leave for two weeks! We haven't had leave without moving or a dire circumstance in... far too long. We will also be taking a trip to see Joshs grandma and for him to do some testing. I.. can't.. wait. A Semi-vacay. Work vacay..but vacay nonetheless! I'm trying to hang on until then, hoping after this little trip we will all come back recharged and positive and ready to tackle anything. Stress is knocking at every door. Uncertainty is around every corner. And at this point, I really see no light at the end of our tunnel.. our long term tunnel.
At this point we really really need a fresh dose of energy, rest, recouperation, and happiness and we are praying that comes fast! As for today, I will survive. Believe it or not, tiredness will -not- kill you and I will get through today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I hope.
Friday, February 24, 2012
I hate crafts!!!!
I'm all for school spirit.. Raw raw!.. I participated when big girl had school spirit week awhile back..I grinned, I participated. I participated in Red Ribbon Week.. Say No to Drugs! raw raw!
Now pops up Dr. Seuss week. I rolled my eyes, I complained.. but whatever at least they gave us about 2 weeks notice to plan ahead. So, being the optimistic ahead of the game mom that I am, I went to Target and in one day knocked out Crazy Hat day and Crazy Sock Day. Both those on sale..bam! done! go me! I rock! Also had "horton hears a Hoo" day 'wear freakin elephant ears' taken care of..via hubs. I officially gave him the job of making elephant ears this weekend. Perfect! I rock! We just had to worry about Dress up like a Dr Seuss Character day and find something green to wear for Green Eggs and Ham day. Not a huge deal.
I was so proud of myself for buying a crazy hat at Target, on sale at that, and boasted to Big girl that this was her special crazy hat and she is sooo excited to wear that hat... Until she brings home a note today, Friday, about Crazy hat day, Monday. "Don't go buy a hat..make one. Make a crazy hat with anything you can think of, please refrain from food objects" Like I'm gonna cram a PB&J on her head.. Good Lord!
Are.. YOU.. FREAKING..KIDDING ME?! I JUST BOUGHT A HAT!! Now, along with the normal weekend homework (Book report and cut up magazines to find things that start with the 2 weekly letters and glue them in a book) I get to 1. Go to the store to get stupid crafing crap, 2. BUILD a freakin hat, 3. and it involves art supplies which she is grounded from for being absurd with Glitter. And what am I going to do with my crazy hat I bought? I'm not returning a $2 hat I bought, It's not even hat season here. Now I just have a stupid, ugly, crazy hat that nobody can wear cluttering their bedroom. And I get to break it to her that she can't wear the hat I bought! Along with making elephant ears.
Do they realize my weekend is only 2 days? Do they realize that -maybe- we had plans besides staying home all weekend to do homework and craft stupid crap!? Or perhaps I wanted to spend time with my husband who is working 0430-6pm everyday? or that my kids maybe wanted to go to the park or something with their dad they only see for an hour a day. I'm sorry, but glitter and glue is not my idea of a good time. It's messy and sticky. I want to like it but I just don't. I'd rather have hives.
I'm too pregnant to deal with this crap! I have half a mind to send her in the Target hat and tell them I made it. Take that school!
Now pops up Dr. Seuss week. I rolled my eyes, I complained.. but whatever at least they gave us about 2 weeks notice to plan ahead. So, being the optimistic ahead of the game mom that I am, I went to Target and in one day knocked out Crazy Hat day and Crazy Sock Day. Both those on sale..bam! done! go me! I rock! Also had "horton hears a Hoo" day 'wear freakin elephant ears' taken care of..via hubs. I officially gave him the job of making elephant ears this weekend. Perfect! I rock! We just had to worry about Dress up like a Dr Seuss Character day and find something green to wear for Green Eggs and Ham day. Not a huge deal.
I was so proud of myself for buying a crazy hat at Target, on sale at that, and boasted to Big girl that this was her special crazy hat and she is sooo excited to wear that hat... Until she brings home a note today, Friday, about Crazy hat day, Monday. "Don't go buy a hat..make one. Make a crazy hat with anything you can think of, please refrain from food objects" Like I'm gonna cram a PB&J on her head.. Good Lord!
Are.. YOU.. FREAKING..KIDDING ME?! I JUST BOUGHT A HAT!! Now, along with the normal weekend homework (Book report and cut up magazines to find things that start with the 2 weekly letters and glue them in a book) I get to 1. Go to the store to get stupid crafing crap, 2. BUILD a freakin hat, 3. and it involves art supplies which she is grounded from for being absurd with Glitter. And what am I going to do with my crazy hat I bought? I'm not returning a $2 hat I bought, It's not even hat season here. Now I just have a stupid, ugly, crazy hat that nobody can wear cluttering their bedroom. And I get to break it to her that she can't wear the hat I bought! Along with making elephant ears.
Do they realize my weekend is only 2 days? Do they realize that -maybe- we had plans besides staying home all weekend to do homework and craft stupid crap!? Or perhaps I wanted to spend time with my husband who is working 0430-6pm everyday? or that my kids maybe wanted to go to the park or something with their dad they only see for an hour a day. I'm sorry, but glitter and glue is not my idea of a good time. It's messy and sticky. I want to like it but I just don't. I'd rather have hives.
I'm too pregnant to deal with this crap! I have half a mind to send her in the Target hat and tell them I made it. Take that school!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Being a Mom Changes You
I don't get much time alone and by 'alone' I mean the house is completely empty except for me. It rarely happens. This weekend, though, I got that rare chance. For a couple hours Hubs took the kids to the park and I got to stay home and do nothing.
The first hour or so was great. I reveled in the quiet, relaxed, watched whatever I wanted on Tv without missing every third word or having the volume obnoxiously loud. I watched a whole show without any interruptions.
But then that second hour rolled around and I got to thinking, as a mother and wife I -crave- alone time so badly. Then I start looking around and I wonder what I would do without my husband or kids. What a boring life that would be. I wouldn't have these cute little chubby faces to drive me crazy and I wouldn't have their constant ornery behavior to keep me on my toes. I wouldn't have anyone to make food for. I wouldn't have these cute little people to snuggle with my on the couch. I wouldn't get to hear "I wuv YOUUU mooomm!!!" I wouldn't get nighttime kisses. I wouldn't get to hear "where do badgers live" 90 million times.
I'm sleep deprived, weigh more than I did before I had kids, my body is different.
Being a mother is hard sometimes. The hardest job ever. It pushes you to the edge of your limits at times. But then I look at my babies and I touch their chubby cheeks and hug them and everything is worth it.
I understand my mom better now that I'm a mom. I understand why she did some things and said some things. I understand why she acted the way she did. I fully, completely understand and appreciate my mom so much more now that I am a mom.
I cannot imagine my life without my babies. I don't know how I would keep going if, Lord Forbid, something happened to one of my children. I don't think I could. There would be a huge hole in my heart and life. It's still scary, everyday, to let big girl get on that bus without me. As much as a cherish the semi-quiet time, I count down the minutes until she is 'safe' with me again. But as a mom, we do things for our kids, to better them. And this is something I must do for her. To help HER. It's not about me anymore. It's about them. It's about what's best for them!
I don't have the nicest clothes, or eat at Resteraunts every night like I'd like to, I don't have the money to buy everything I would like to have... It's about them. I won't have them forever. One day, all too quickly, they will leave and go carry on a life of their own and my house will be empty and very very quiet. ... Until my girls are 30 and give me grandbabies :-)
The first hour or so was great. I reveled in the quiet, relaxed, watched whatever I wanted on Tv without missing every third word or having the volume obnoxiously loud. I watched a whole show without any interruptions.
But then that second hour rolled around and I got to thinking, as a mother and wife I -crave- alone time so badly. Then I start looking around and I wonder what I would do without my husband or kids. What a boring life that would be. I wouldn't have these cute little chubby faces to drive me crazy and I wouldn't have their constant ornery behavior to keep me on my toes. I wouldn't have anyone to make food for. I wouldn't have these cute little people to snuggle with my on the couch. I wouldn't get to hear "I wuv YOUUU mooomm!!!" I wouldn't get nighttime kisses. I wouldn't get to hear "where do badgers live" 90 million times.
I'm sleep deprived, weigh more than I did before I had kids, my body is different.
Being a mother is hard sometimes. The hardest job ever. It pushes you to the edge of your limits at times. But then I look at my babies and I touch their chubby cheeks and hug them and everything is worth it.
I understand my mom better now that I'm a mom. I understand why she did some things and said some things. I understand why she acted the way she did. I fully, completely understand and appreciate my mom so much more now that I am a mom.
I cannot imagine my life without my babies. I don't know how I would keep going if, Lord Forbid, something happened to one of my children. I don't think I could. There would be a huge hole in my heart and life. It's still scary, everyday, to let big girl get on that bus without me. As much as a cherish the semi-quiet time, I count down the minutes until she is 'safe' with me again. But as a mom, we do things for our kids, to better them. And this is something I must do for her. To help HER. It's not about me anymore. It's about them. It's about what's best for them!
I don't have the nicest clothes, or eat at Resteraunts every night like I'd like to, I don't have the money to buy everything I would like to have... It's about them. I won't have them forever. One day, all too quickly, they will leave and go carry on a life of their own and my house will be empty and very very quiet. ... Until my girls are 30 and give me grandbabies :-)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Tuesday's 10
1. Was craving a Egg Mcmuffin from Mcdonalds.. Sounded great.. tasted bad. Let down.
2. Now all I can think about is Smashburger, rosemary fries and a chocolate malt..mmm
3. No Mayo on that burger..Mayo is gross. Don't be gross.
4. I think we MAY be SOOO close to potty training little girl.. Like..SOOOOOOOOOOOOO cloooose! She was a really late potty trainer but once it happens it happens fast.
5. Biggest lesson I learned with my first. Don't rush it. You'll stress yourself and the child and won't make progress anyways until they are ready anyways.
6. After my "party at night" post we made a list of bedtime rules and consequences and Big girl has followed the rules EVERY night. Sleeping straight through the night and we've stopped the horrid "milk at night" thing also! Little girl has obeyed the rules 99% of the time.. So happy with our progress!
7. Found the girls Easter Dresses at Burlington Coat Factory yesterday and just may have finally decided on a stroller/carseat for lil man
8. It's going to be a huuge adjustment to have a baby in the house again
9. It finally hit me the other day that I would have to give birth to this boy..
10. I had a mini breakdown. I've been through labor twice, but this is the first time I won't be induced and each labor has scared me.. I'm terrified up until the moment I'm in it and then I just forget.. This one is even more scary since I won't be 'safe' in the hospital when it starts. I really don't want my water to break some place embarassing..like the mall or something.
2. Now all I can think about is Smashburger, rosemary fries and a chocolate malt..mmm
3. No Mayo on that burger..Mayo is gross. Don't be gross.
4. I think we MAY be SOOO close to potty training little girl.. Like..SOOOOOOOOOOOOO cloooose! She was a really late potty trainer but once it happens it happens fast.
5. Biggest lesson I learned with my first. Don't rush it. You'll stress yourself and the child and won't make progress anyways until they are ready anyways.
6. After my "party at night" post we made a list of bedtime rules and consequences and Big girl has followed the rules EVERY night. Sleeping straight through the night and we've stopped the horrid "milk at night" thing also! Little girl has obeyed the rules 99% of the time.. So happy with our progress!
7. Found the girls Easter Dresses at Burlington Coat Factory yesterday and just may have finally decided on a stroller/carseat for lil man
8. It's going to be a huuge adjustment to have a baby in the house again
9. It finally hit me the other day that I would have to give birth to this boy..
10. I had a mini breakdown. I've been through labor twice, but this is the first time I won't be induced and each labor has scared me.. I'm terrified up until the moment I'm in it and then I just forget.. This one is even more scary since I won't be 'safe' in the hospital when it starts. I really don't want my water to break some place embarassing..like the mall or something.
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