Heavy Cloud

Ever wake up and have those days where it seems like a heavy cloud is on you.   Today is one of those days.  I had trouble sleeping last night thanks to being 15 months pregnant and a swamp cooler that is going out.  Hubs starts his "field" time. They are "in the field" but not.  Thankfully  he's still within reach on post and able to come home at night but he's going to be working 5am-at least 6pm..more likely until 7 or 8pm every day for the next month.  Coming home stinky, tired, cranky, dirty uniforms everynight and no washer here at home.  Love that he isn't gone completely but with being so pregnant and dealing with the "daddy is home but he's not" thing doesn't sound so much fun.

The girls were up way way too early this morning wanting food and getting into stuff. Of course, yesterday, when Hubs got up with them they were content to play until 9am. This morning I got the "I want food" at 5:55am.   I woke up with painfully swollen feet and hands.  

I delivered both my girls at 38 and 39 weeks.. I'm 38 weeks today and I honestly cannot ever remember feeling -this- ready to have this baby than I do right now. I've always seen on tv where the pregnant lady is saying "get this kid out of me NOW!" and trying everything within her power to get the kid out but never experienced it, until now.  I even tried jalapenos yesterday and I don't even like jalapenos. Since having little girl my stomach is more sensitive to spicy food.

And to top today off... It's the 10 year anniversary of the passing of my grandma.  I woke up aware that something wasn't right today and then I remembered.  I miss her. So so bad.   It was untimely, not fair, and not right.  I'm sad she never met my kids. I'm sad she never met my husband. I'm sad she never saw me get married. It's all just not fair. I was extremely close to my grandma. The day she passed I just knew. I knew it was going to happen. I was at school, in choir, and I begged my teacher to let me use the phone so that I could call my mom and beg her to get me out of school. I remember telling her I just "needed" to be at the hospital with her. Thankfully she got me out of school and I spent the rest of the day at the hospital. We went home around 3 or so and at 4pm we got the call that she had passed. Had I not left school I wouldn't have been able to see her, to tell her goodbye, to see her one last time. Telling her goodbye was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Telling her it was okay to go.  Maam..I miss you. I love you. It's not fair and my life was forever changed. I can't believe it's been 10 years.

I've said for weeks now that I really hoped this baby would come today. I needed some "happy" memories on this sad day. I'll be honest though..I'm not totally convinced it'll happen today. Who knows. That would be amazing. To have my sons birthday today. What a beautiful treat. A gift.    We'll see what today holds. Who knows.

For now, it's time to kill this heavy cloud as much as possible with some buttery pancakes, syrup, and hot chocolate.