I'm stressed. To the max. How am I supposed to make decisions for a tiny little man that will affect him his whole life? My heart aches. I don't know what to do. I don't know what decisions to make. I don't know what the right thing to do is. We are debating a certain treatment right now. One that could make his surgeries go smoother and easier. Downside is it would mean a hospitalization, weekly trips to the dentist, fittings, refittings, and this treatment would last for 4 months, delaying the lip surgery and also cutting into our terminal leave, which means we couldn't move back to Kansas until the treatment was finished. Do we sit here and waste a month or more of leave time, not being able to job hunt in Kansas? What's the right decision? Do we delay moving back home and finding stable jobs and delay him getting his surgery done? Or do we not do the treatment and hope for the best during the surgery, which we will be able to get done soon? We've been told we can still get very good results without doing this treatment. Are we bad parents for NOT doing this? Or are we bad parents for sitting here in El paso, waiting around for a month or more, delaying job hunts, delaying getting our oldest in school, delaying the start of our permanant civilan lives for a treatment that may or may not make a huge difference. Tears just fall down my face because I don't know. I just don't know. I'm in over my head. I want to do what's best for him, but I also have the well being of 2 other kids and a husband who needs a career, to think about.
I feel trapped. No Date nights, no time away from the kids during the day. I desperately need those things and until now had them. It's best for ME as a mother to have that time. Here's the tricky thing; I don't trust anyone with Wesley. I don't trust anyone at the daycare. I don't trust babysitters. I don't trust them to know how to feed him, he uses a special feeder. I don't trust anyone to know what to do and not panic when formula comes out his nose and he starts to gurgle. I don't trust anyone to know how long to burp him because if you don't do it long enough he starts choking or spitting up. He can't lay flat like other babies. He can't sleep in any position besides a special one without being watched. For me and hubs it's second nature now but I don't trust anyone with him alone. I feel very very trapped. Like I have no way out. Like I have no escape. Ya, it'll get better, once he has some surgeries and is more like other babies, but until then.. 18 months from now.. What am I supposed to do. There's no way I could let myself leave him with someone.
I love him more than life itself. He's my little buddy. My everything. But any mother knows that being with three kids 24/7 will more than grate on your nerves. Especially one needing special attention. I'm his biggest care-taker at the moment. With Hubs working it's up to me. I do nighttime feeds and everyday, all day. All me.
I don't know the right steps to take. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle................ But right now I just don't know. Can my marriage handle this? Can my other kids handle this? Can I handle this?
2 comments:
Erica, I'm putting this here in the hopes that you have it set up like I do, and it will email you. And then of course you read the emails. With all your spare time, of course. :)
Find a nurse who needs some extra cash or who works with babies like Wesley. See if she can help a little bit.
If not that, then be sure BOTH girls have summer activities. Some kind of summer camp for the next few weeks, or VBS-- something. This way it just boils down to you and Wesley during part of the day. Have family members who want to help? Have them help with the girls.
It doesn't have to be all you; and you can't keep this up. Build your village, find some moments when Josh can watch all three and you can go watch a mindless movie or get your hair cut (heaven to a stressed Mommy).
Remember the saying they have in airplanes-- Mamas need to do their own oxygen mask first.
Love you.
Wow. That does sound like way too much to handle. It's way too much for me to even comprehend. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this.
And about the end of your blog... I actually do believe that God all the time gives us stuff that we CAN'T handle...stuff that is just too much for us to do alone. In fact, I know that to be true. He allows stuff to come into our lives that are too much for us to handle so that we have no choice but to run to Him. When I come to the end of myself and realize that I cannot do something on my own and that it will take the grace of God and a miracle to resolve the situation, that's when God always shows up so powerfully in my life. Those are the times that I not only know that God is real and is powerful, I know that He cares so so much about my life and every single situation in it, down to the last detail.
I know it's so hard to do, and I can't imagine how hard it is to do with children and all of the things you're up against right now, but try your best to trust Jesus. Talk to him and tell him how frustrated and stressed you are and ask him to give you peace. Be brutally honest. In one way or another, He always answers prayers and He'll rescue you when you run to Him.
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