I know I don't keep up with this like I should... Life happens. I did want to blog about palate surgery though. I want to have it to remember, I want Wesley to be able to read it if he wants. His first 2 surgeries were fairly uneventful (lip adhesion and lip repair)... ya know..as uneventful as surgery on a 4-6 month old could be. Palate surgery, was another ball game. I had always dreaded it. The thought brought me to tears. The research I had done, stories I had heard from those who had been through it. It scared me. Big time! Alas palate surgery day came.... I got how I always am before he goes in for pre op at 5am. Don't touch me. Don't talk to me. Don't make jokes. Don't look at me. Don't you DARE suggest going to get food. and Don't LEAVE ME! I'm stoic. I block everything out. It's a normal day at the peds pre op at 5am. I begged them to give him some "happy meds" to relax him. I didn't know if he would have issues leaving me when they took him back but I didn't want to take that chance. Most times he fall asleep in Pre op after they have done all the tests etc and I got to sit there and hold him and snuggle him until it was time for him to go to surgery. All to soon they come and get him and I have to hand him off to them and they leave. I hated it every time. Then we grabbed some food, not because I am hungry, but because I know it'll be the only time that I eat a decent meal until we leave the hospital. I still haven't figured out how to manage caring for a baby after surgery plus eating..so I don't eat. Wesley's cleft was large. We were told to expect lots of pain and a long recovery.
His surgery lasted a couple hours I think ? It happened too quickly for me. I wanted it to last all day. I wasn't ready to care for him after palate surgery. I anticipated how rough it would be. I wanted him to stay with them and have sleepy meds. They came out and I was called into the hall and there he was laying there, trying to fuss. The sight of him broke my heart. Inside his mouth specifically. I won't go into details. We trucked up to Peds. Me, Josh, Wesley in my arms, 2 nurses, carts, cords, IV, monitors.. Like a hospital train. When he got to the room he started having a reaction to some of the meds he was given. He was screaming and crying and nothing would make him stop. I rocked and moved around as much as possible when you are attached to 4 cords and IV's but nothing helped.. I had heard to wear a dark shirt.. I sorta listened and wore a green sweatshirt.. I wish I had REALLY listened or brought a change of clothes. I was a mess. He cried and cried and twisted and moaned and was just generally unhappy. I begged them to give him more pain meds, which, of course took way longer than it should have. He was given 3 different meds to try to counteract the meds he was given in surgery along with pain meds. They essentially doped him up so much he passed out which is what was needed until his body could process all the "yucky" meds. I was a basket case. My whole body was shaking with emotion. It took about a couple hours to get everything under control. I was one big emotional, stoic, mess. Every time I tried to move or pass him to Josh to get a breath of air he cried. So I stayed. The whole rest of the day was spent sliding jello off a spoon into his mouth, careful not to touch ANY part of his mouth. Take jello on a plastic spoon and carefully drop it into a hole the size of a quarter, making sure not to touch any part of the hole. That's what I was dealing with. We alternated that and dropping water into his mouth..drop by drop. That whole day stunk. I couldn't move or put him down. I had to fight the nurses on the fact that he needed his no-nos. Arm immobilizers that keep him from touching his mouth. That was a HUGE HUGE fight. Dr wanted them, Nurses didn't. blah blah blah. That's exactly what a mom wants to do when her child, after having surgery, is constantly crying and in pain.
Finally around 5pm when Joshs' parents came Wesley let papa hold him. So that was a nice reprieve. Plus they brought me a new shirt. I was so emotionally exhausted. So badly that I was shaking. I was definitely the "chosen one". All Wesley wanted was me. And all I wanted was to eat and have some coffee and a good cry. There's no time for crying at this point.
Josh and I usually take turns at night so that we can get at least a few hours of good rest. I took first shift. I had to hold Wesley the whole time. Trying my hardest not to fall asleep holding him (The hospital get cranky when that happens) It was difficult to say to least. I was exhausted. We were told there were no more parent beds and the 'Nice hospital chair" was all we'd get. Things really turned around when a family friend ended up being our nurse. She found a parent bed so at least we could lay down a bit. Brought us food. Kept slushies coming for Wesley. She was a God send! He finally made a turn around at about 1-2am, when Josh was there. Then by 6am he was eating scrambled egg..MAJOR victory. So we got to go home.
The hour long trip home went well, considering. We had to limit his crying for fear of ruining everything. At home for the first 24 hours he lived on my chest. That first night was spent with him on my chest sleeping and me dozing on the couch. I was going on 48 hours of very little rest and major emotional mess! Day 2 was better. He at least slept in his bed that night. The next 2 weeks were full of ups and downs. Good days, bad days, easy days, painful days. I was exhausted. I couldn't figure out how to manage 2 other kids plus him. Getting them to school, home from school. Let alone make dinner.
Everyone assumes that since you are home and he is sleeping at night that things are peachy. They aren't. I had a baby who wanted to be held constantly, I had a husband who was gone a lot, I had 2 other kids to care for plus get to and from school. Not even considering him, his pain, his recovery, There are the emotions mom/dad goes through. Mom has been put through the emotional wringer. Having to hold it all together during all that. Now mom has to hold it together at home because "life goes on" Josh was in police academy and was gone most of the time and I had to somehow manage 3 kids, one in school, one recovering from a big surgery. I was overwhelmed. Big time. The struggles don't end when you get home. It took about 2 weeks, two long weeks, for him to really start acting like himself. I was never so happy as I was when he started acting like himself. At this point it looks like we are surgery free until he is 6-7. At that point he will have his gum line fixed, via bone graft,taken from his hip, and the remaining hole in his palate will then be fixed.
If you know someone whose child has special needs/surgeries/hospitalization, or even just sick with the flu, Help that mom out! Don't assume she's "got it". Make them dinner..not just the first few days, a week later.
Offer to take other kids to school, sports, cheer leading, whatever it may be. Offer to come vacuum, or do laundry for her. As mothers, we can't always 'let things go' especially if we've been in the hospital for 2-3 days or weeks even. People need clothes washed, People need dishes done, People need vacuuming done, When all attention is on the sick or post surgery child, the other children need attention. Something as simple as bringing over some coloring books or Play-dough for them works WONDERS. Offer to come over after all the kids are asleep and let mom and dad take a walk or get coffee.. heck, let them just go sit in their car in the driveway and be in the quiet. A huge misconception is that hospitals send people home after surgery when they are all better. Not true. They send people home when they are stable and eating. All a person has to do to go home is eat/drink/go to the bathroom. There's major recovery done at home.
I am so blessed to have my boy! There was a time when I didn't know if we would ever have any more kids. I would go through everything 2 times over again if it meant I got to see my boy smile and laugh with me. Best thing we've ever done is to have that boy!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
Listen to Your Woman!
Don't cha hate it when you know you are right and nobody will listen to you?? You would think my family members would realize by now that most times I am right and to just appease me.
Our A/C was running constantly. I'm talking 2-3 hours at a time and I had to go turn the degree up just so that it would stop because the constant "whirrrr" of the A/C was making my head spin. I told BD something was wrong. "Oh, the AC just isn't big enough for the house, it's really hot out" Hot, my booty. It was only 95-100 degrees during the day. Yes, hot, but not hot enough to where it should be running constantly day and night. You can't convince me of that. Four different people tried telling me it was just "too hot"
BD finally got tired of me nagging and had the landlady send an AC guy out. "AC is in perfect condition... it's just hot outside. The AC is working hard, dear sweet blond girl" (Ok, I made that part about the blond girl up) Fine. whatever.
Still the AC ran... constant.. a nagging whir in my ear that made me want to poke my eye balls out.
"Hon..something is wrong..it's 10pm and 75 degrees outside and the AC is still going"
"It's fine... It's just not big enough for the house"
"I think something else is wrong"
"it's fine" says the big man of the house.... *sigh*
So I go to the store and get room darkening curtains and that window cling stuff that keeps the drafts out in hopes that it would help. Same...constant...whir...in my EAR.
"BD... Maybe it's the actual thermostat?"
"those digital ones last a long time"
"but maybe something is wrong in it that doesn't cause it to shut off"
"they last a long time"
God bless my husband..only he could tolerate these conversations at 11pm as he's trying to sleep. I do sneak attack him then and discuss things... He tends to listen better... kinda.
Finally by this point I was 2 shades from ka-razy so I figured I had to just take things into my own hands.....
I went and bought a new thermostat. I figured for $20 it will either work and I can quit nagging people or it won't work and I can return it..and keep nagging people.
So at 10pm I had my sweet BD install the new one. (I don't know how to install that stuff.. I buy, I instruct..he installs... I can't afford to get electrocuted..but he, as our main bread winner, surely can) I strategically picked the day BD was doing Defense Tactics at work... He had spent the day getting kicked/arm barred/ asped/ headlocked... I knew he'd have less fight in him so chances were he would do whatever to get me to stop talking about it. hahaha ..... I kid. I kid. Kinda. He woulda done it regardless because he wuvs me (I say that because I know he's reading this.)
Sidebar: God Bless that man for putting up with me.
The 5 minute install the box said took about 30 minutes... but it was in....and wadda ya know...
IT WORKED!!! The A/C no longer whirrs constantly... It works properly..I'm off the ledge of Ka-razy town and I am highly dreading that next electric bill... uuughhhhh
And to those 4 people who told me it was "Just the AC" I will be dividing up the bill and sending you your portion!
Our A/C was running constantly. I'm talking 2-3 hours at a time and I had to go turn the degree up just so that it would stop because the constant "whirrrr" of the A/C was making my head spin. I told BD something was wrong. "Oh, the AC just isn't big enough for the house, it's really hot out" Hot, my booty. It was only 95-100 degrees during the day. Yes, hot, but not hot enough to where it should be running constantly day and night. You can't convince me of that. Four different people tried telling me it was just "too hot"
BD finally got tired of me nagging and had the landlady send an AC guy out. "AC is in perfect condition... it's just hot outside. The AC is working hard, dear sweet blond girl" (Ok, I made that part about the blond girl up) Fine. whatever.
Still the AC ran... constant.. a nagging whir in my ear that made me want to poke my eye balls out.
"Hon..something is wrong..it's 10pm and 75 degrees outside and the AC is still going"
"It's fine... It's just not big enough for the house"
"I think something else is wrong"
"it's fine" says the big man of the house.... *sigh*
So I go to the store and get room darkening curtains and that window cling stuff that keeps the drafts out in hopes that it would help. Same...constant...whir...in my EAR.
"BD... Maybe it's the actual thermostat?"
"those digital ones last a long time"
"but maybe something is wrong in it that doesn't cause it to shut off"
"they last a long time"
God bless my husband..only he could tolerate these conversations at 11pm as he's trying to sleep. I do sneak attack him then and discuss things... He tends to listen better... kinda.
Finally by this point I was 2 shades from ka-razy so I figured I had to just take things into my own hands.....
I went and bought a new thermostat. I figured for $20 it will either work and I can quit nagging people or it won't work and I can return it..and keep nagging people.
So at 10pm I had my sweet BD install the new one. (I don't know how to install that stuff.. I buy, I instruct..he installs... I can't afford to get electrocuted..but he, as our main bread winner, surely can) I strategically picked the day BD was doing Defense Tactics at work... He had spent the day getting kicked/arm barred/ asped/ headlocked... I knew he'd have less fight in him so chances were he would do whatever to get me to stop talking about it. hahaha ..... I kid. I kid. Kinda. He woulda done it regardless because he wuvs me (I say that because I know he's reading this.)
Sidebar: God Bless that man for putting up with me.
The 5 minute install the box said took about 30 minutes... but it was in....and wadda ya know...
IT WORKED!!! The A/C no longer whirrs constantly... It works properly..I'm off the ledge of Ka-razy town and I am highly dreading that next electric bill... uuughhhhh
And to those 4 people who told me it was "Just the AC" I will be dividing up the bill and sending you your portion!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Flair
Sometimes You just need a little flair!!!
Before:
Before:
After:
That is all length! I had too much hair for her to fit in one rubber band so she had to divide it in 4..
So thankful for my mother in law for watching my babes for the afternoon! I feel 100 times better and like I lost 30 lbs. Kelli took such good care of me and I am SO SO Pleased with how my hair came out!
It was such a dramatic difference when I went to surprise my mom at her work to show off my hair she didn't even recognize me. And my little Wes man wouldn't come to me for a hour after I got home!
Sometimes you just need a little flair!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Struggle... The Trilogy
I've spent much of the past week reflecting, talking to those that are close to me, talking to BD and it's become apparent to me what I am feeling is weariness. I told BD last night that I feel like a bird whose wing is broken. The past year has made me so very weary.
On May 7, 2013 I was in eager anticipation of giving birth to my healthy baby boy. How our family would be fulfilled. How I would take him out in the first few days after he was born and show him off. May 8, 2013 my life forever changed. I was dealt with, what was probably, the hugest shock of my life. My son was born different. He wasn't breathing right. Before he was even out of my body I had the thoughts of "what's going on?" "Why is everyone staring at me" "why is my husband grey" My world was thrown upside down. Getting through those first couple weeks were... horrible. I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand why. I didn't understand what to do. I didn't understand why I felt such guilt and was that guilt even okay to feel? Here was my baby and I had no clue how to feed him or care for me. I have shouldered most of the weight in the past year. While BD is the best father I know, he struggled. He struggled seeing his son go through multiple hospital stays, Doctor visits where my son was put on display for show and tell. He struggled with the whole situation. He struggled with seeing his son in pain. So I took on all the care. The doctors. The attitudes. The questions... "What's wrong with him" .... I shouldered this weight that a mere 30 days before I didn't even know existed. I stopped caring for ME. I stopped doing what I loved. I stopped being me.
Then we were thrown from Military stability to Civilian life. Will my husband find a job? How will we provide for our kids.. I couldn't work. How will we eat? Will our son get the care he
needs? I shouldered that. BD had to focus all his energies on finding a job.
I had to be strong. A strong I had never been before. It's easy to be strong when your husband is deployed and you know you will have food, clothing, bills paid, nails done, weekly pedicures, and fun vacations. That's an easy strong. I had to be strong in the midst of my sons many issues, 3 moves in 6 months, no food at times, Can I pay the bills, Will my newly remade marriage survive this. A man out of work is not a pretty sight. There were no mani's. There were no Pedicures..
I lost me. I lost what I loved. I lost my passion. When I say I didn't take time for me. I mean..I REALLY didn't take time for me. All my energies, all my emotions, all my passions, were given to my family. And that, my friends, has left me so very very weary... I weary I don't know how to fix except through time and patience from my family.
BD summed it up well last night. How most of my family probably thought of me.
"You've always been strong. You've always had it all under control. You've always never needed. Until I read your blog I didn't realize how badly you were hurting. Yes, I knew you were struggling but I figured that you have done it before so you will be fine. That you had it under control. I can see now that you don't. I didn't realize"
and now my sweet husband is giving me foot rubs and letting me take a nap on the weekend while he doeslaundry and searched high and low for my pasta salad recipe to surprise me with pasta salad... (psst...it's in my head)
It's time for me to take care of the lady. I'm a mom, yes. I'm a wife, yes. But I am also a Lady. So I am taking time for ME this week. I'm going to get my hair cut. With money we don't really have right now because it's been way to long and I am a lady and I deserve it. I need to feel good about myself. So I'm stepping out on a limb and trusting that God will provide.
On May 7, 2013 I was in eager anticipation of giving birth to my healthy baby boy. How our family would be fulfilled. How I would take him out in the first few days after he was born and show him off. May 8, 2013 my life forever changed. I was dealt with, what was probably, the hugest shock of my life. My son was born different. He wasn't breathing right. Before he was even out of my body I had the thoughts of "what's going on?" "Why is everyone staring at me" "why is my husband grey" My world was thrown upside down. Getting through those first couple weeks were... horrible. I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand why. I didn't understand what to do. I didn't understand why I felt such guilt and was that guilt even okay to feel? Here was my baby and I had no clue how to feed him or care for me. I have shouldered most of the weight in the past year. While BD is the best father I know, he struggled. He struggled seeing his son go through multiple hospital stays, Doctor visits where my son was put on display for show and tell. He struggled with the whole situation. He struggled with seeing his son in pain. So I took on all the care. The doctors. The attitudes. The questions... "What's wrong with him" .... I shouldered this weight that a mere 30 days before I didn't even know existed. I stopped caring for ME. I stopped doing what I loved. I stopped being me.
Then we were thrown from Military stability to Civilian life. Will my husband find a job? How will we provide for our kids.. I couldn't work. How will we eat? Will our son get the care he
needs? I shouldered that. BD had to focus all his energies on finding a job.
I had to be strong. A strong I had never been before. It's easy to be strong when your husband is deployed and you know you will have food, clothing, bills paid, nails done, weekly pedicures, and fun vacations. That's an easy strong. I had to be strong in the midst of my sons many issues, 3 moves in 6 months, no food at times, Can I pay the bills, Will my newly remade marriage survive this. A man out of work is not a pretty sight. There were no mani's. There were no Pedicures..
I lost me. I lost what I loved. I lost my passion. When I say I didn't take time for me. I mean..I REALLY didn't take time for me. All my energies, all my emotions, all my passions, were given to my family. And that, my friends, has left me so very very weary... I weary I don't know how to fix except through time and patience from my family.
BD summed it up well last night. How most of my family probably thought of me.
"You've always been strong. You've always had it all under control. You've always never needed. Until I read your blog I didn't realize how badly you were hurting. Yes, I knew you were struggling but I figured that you have done it before so you will be fine. That you had it under control. I can see now that you don't. I didn't realize"
and now my sweet husband is giving me foot rubs and letting me take a nap on the weekend while he doeslaundry and searched high and low for my pasta salad recipe to surprise me with pasta salad... (psst...it's in my head)
It's time for me to take care of the lady. I'm a mom, yes. I'm a wife, yes. But I am also a Lady. So I am taking time for ME this week. I'm going to get my hair cut. With money we don't really have right now because it's been way to long and I am a lady and I deserve it. I need to feel good about myself. So I'm stepping out on a limb and trusting that God will provide.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Best Cream Cheese Icing Ever
Yesterday we partied hard at Family Camp. I think it's safe to say we are all ready for a nice, easy, quiet day today. More on that later though! Today I wanted to share the yummiest cream cheese icing ever known to man. It seriously knocks the store bought stuff out of the water!
8oz soft cream cheese (Reduced fat kind is fine also)
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 16oz package powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup Pecans (optional)
Cream together the cream cheese and butter. Add in powdered sugar and beat until it's light and fluffy. Then add in your vanilla..make sure to Oops it. (ya know when you "accidentally" add a bit more than the recipe calls for) Spread it on your cake and top with pecans if you wish.
I normally add a bit less of the powdered sugar than called for because I like that tasting some tartness of the cream cheese.
Enjoy!
8oz soft cream cheese (Reduced fat kind is fine also)
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 16oz package powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup Pecans (optional)
Cream together the cream cheese and butter. Add in powdered sugar and beat until it's light and fluffy. Then add in your vanilla..make sure to Oops it. (ya know when you "accidentally" add a bit more than the recipe calls for) Spread it on your cake and top with pecans if you wish.
I normally add a bit less of the powdered sugar than called for because I like that tasting some tartness of the cream cheese.
Enjoy!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Struggle, Part 2
I am so overwhelmed by the love and support I was shown yesterday. Thank you all so much. From the bottom of my heart. I'm so blessed and so very touched by all the responses I received.
Some may ask, Why did I share that? Why not is what I ask. I didn't do it for sympathy. I didn't do it to draw attention. I did it because I fully believe that my words reach people. I fully believe that my words can and will touch someones life. Give them hope. I don't know who is reading my blog but I do know that there are many moms out there feeling like I am who can't/won't admit it. Can I just say "It's okay" It's okay to admit it. It's okay to talk about it. You aren't alone. Do you hear me?? You.Aren't.Alone!! There is no shame in admitting you are having a hard time. There is no shame in admitting you are fighting everyday to keep doing what you are doing.
I have gotten such valuable information in the past day. Valuable information I will use and put to work. Many, many messages from people.
I don't know what I am going to do. I know I have changes to make in my life. I know I have priorities that I need to turn around.
For me to be a happy mom I have to be a happy person. I need to be ME. I'm facing a lot of challenges that make it hard for me to fulfill myself. Challenges that I really cannot change by myself right now. I have 3 children under 6. I have a husband who is working long, long hours and is rarely home.
I have to let go of the fear of being judged. I have to let go of being scared someone in my life will leave if I offend them. I need to make myself a priority. I need to feel whole. I'm not sure how to do that at this point. I don't know the steps I need take.
I have a couple things I do that don't pertain to me being a "mommy" ... A couple things that are refreshing for me. While they do provide me work that I have to do, It's things I enjoy. It's things that make me happy. Things that help others which in turns fulfills me. Now, I just need to figure out how to fix the rest of me.
Thank you for your loving support.
Some may ask, Why did I share that? Why not is what I ask. I didn't do it for sympathy. I didn't do it to draw attention. I did it because I fully believe that my words reach people. I fully believe that my words can and will touch someones life. Give them hope. I don't know who is reading my blog but I do know that there are many moms out there feeling like I am who can't/won't admit it. Can I just say "It's okay" It's okay to admit it. It's okay to talk about it. You aren't alone. Do you hear me?? You.Aren't.Alone!! There is no shame in admitting you are having a hard time. There is no shame in admitting you are fighting everyday to keep doing what you are doing.
I have gotten such valuable information in the past day. Valuable information I will use and put to work. Many, many messages from people.
I don't know what I am going to do. I know I have changes to make in my life. I know I have priorities that I need to turn around.
For me to be a happy mom I have to be a happy person. I need to be ME. I'm facing a lot of challenges that make it hard for me to fulfill myself. Challenges that I really cannot change by myself right now. I have 3 children under 6. I have a husband who is working long, long hours and is rarely home.
I have to let go of the fear of being judged. I have to let go of being scared someone in my life will leave if I offend them. I need to make myself a priority. I need to feel whole. I'm not sure how to do that at this point. I don't know the steps I need take.
I have a couple things I do that don't pertain to me being a "mommy" ... A couple things that are refreshing for me. While they do provide me work that I have to do, It's things I enjoy. It's things that make me happy. Things that help others which in turns fulfills me. Now, I just need to figure out how to fix the rest of me.
Thank you for your loving support.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Struggle
Dear friends....I'm struggling.
I'm the lowest I've been in years.
I shouldn't be. My husband has his dream job. We have a safe house in a safe neighborhood. We're close to family. My son is done with surgeries for the foreseeable future. We're finally settled for awhile.
Yet, still, I'm struggling.
I have everything a girl could want. An amazing husband... Awesome kids. So why?
I'm going to the Doctor. Maybe he can tell me why.
The past year was hard, yes. But I was strong and I dug in and dealt with it.
Is my strong gone now?
Am I depressed? I don't know.
Is this Postpartum really late?
I've always prided myself on being strong. I'm very independent. I don't ask for help often. I take care of my kids. They -are- mine. I take care of my house and bills. I have run everything in the household for years on end with no help. Cared for my kids, hundreds of miles away from any help, for 3 years. I didn't go back to family when BD was deployed like some do. I've always prided myself on strength.
Maybe I've used all my strength up? Is that even possible?
Where do I turn from here?
I'm not a quitter. I don't run. My kids deserve the best mom. That mom is me.
My husband is amazing. I'm more in love with him than I've ever been. My kids are pretty darn awesome. My son is everything I've ever wanted. Yet life just isn't fun anymore. It hasn't been fun for a few months.
I'm just tired. Of everything. And not sure where to turn.
My outside looks happy. Inside.. I'd rather just lay on the couch.
I'm the lowest I've been in years.
I shouldn't be. My husband has his dream job. We have a safe house in a safe neighborhood. We're close to family. My son is done with surgeries for the foreseeable future. We're finally settled for awhile.
Yet, still, I'm struggling.
I have everything a girl could want. An amazing husband... Awesome kids. So why?
I'm going to the Doctor. Maybe he can tell me why.
The past year was hard, yes. But I was strong and I dug in and dealt with it.
Is my strong gone now?
Am I depressed? I don't know.
Is this Postpartum really late?
I've always prided myself on being strong. I'm very independent. I don't ask for help often. I take care of my kids. They -are- mine. I take care of my house and bills. I have run everything in the household for years on end with no help. Cared for my kids, hundreds of miles away from any help, for 3 years. I didn't go back to family when BD was deployed like some do. I've always prided myself on strength.
Maybe I've used all my strength up? Is that even possible?
Where do I turn from here?
I'm not a quitter. I don't run. My kids deserve the best mom. That mom is me.
My husband is amazing. I'm more in love with him than I've ever been. My kids are pretty darn awesome. My son is everything I've ever wanted. Yet life just isn't fun anymore. It hasn't been fun for a few months.
I'm just tired. Of everything. And not sure where to turn.
My outside looks happy. Inside.. I'd rather just lay on the couch.
See.... Happy outside.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
15 Things You Didn't Know About Me
Since there are some newbies in town I thought I'd do a fun "What you didn't know about me" Post.
Without further Adieu: 15 things you didn't know about me:
15: I love cake. I.Love.Cake The world cannot revolve without cake.
14: I have a low tolerance for ignorance
13: My husband is probably my best friend in the world.
12: My favorite breakfast food is omelets
11: I love trying new recipes
10: My dream goal is to open a bakery.
9: My favorite show: Law and Order, SVU
8. Even though my kids drive me nuts I don't know what I would do without them in my life
7. I enjoy singing. It's freeing. When I sing I have confidence that I didn't have before.
6: I have bunny friends that hop around our yard that I feed scraps to.
5: Before I had kids I had dreams of being the CEO of a big company.
4. I never thought I'd have a son
3. My favorite color is Red
2. I don't like my middle name
1. I'm creeping towards the big 3-0
Without further Adieu: 15 things you didn't know about me:
15: I love cake. I.Love.Cake The world cannot revolve without cake.
14: I have a low tolerance for ignorance
13: My husband is probably my best friend in the world.
12: My favorite breakfast food is omelets
11: I love trying new recipes
10: My dream goal is to open a bakery.
9: My favorite show: Law and Order, SVU
8. Even though my kids drive me nuts I don't know what I would do without them in my life
7. I enjoy singing. It's freeing. When I sing I have confidence that I didn't have before.
6: I have bunny friends that hop around our yard that I feed scraps to.
5: Before I had kids I had dreams of being the CEO of a big company.
4. I never thought I'd have a son
3. My favorite color is Red
2. I don't like my middle name
1. I'm creeping towards the big 3-0
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
8 years
BD and I just celebrated our 8 year anniversary. Our road to 8 years has not been easy. It has not been fun most of the time. Marriage takes work. 2 years ago I was given the option to walk away and forget everything or stay and fight. Fight for the vows I said on our wedding day. Fight for what I knew we -could- have. Fight for what we -should- have. I chose to fight. I don't regret that decision. When I chose to fight there wasn't a guarantee that everything would work out. There wasn't the guarantee that old hurts could be healed and broken promises forgiven. I chose to fight. Thank God I chose to fight. The biggest thing BD and I do is TALK. We talk about everything. I tell him every feeling I have. Vice Versa. If we don't then those feelings stay inside and turn into something much bigger and uglier than they started. Thank God I have a husband who is willing to listen. The key to our marriage is communication. We have been through counseling a few times and the key really is communication and time. We spend time together, talking, listening, just being. It's not unusual to find us sitting on the couch talking for 15-20 minutes after he gets home from work. We go on dates once a month or so. We NEED that time for us. Life is so hectic everyday that we need to sit down and take time for US. Refocus our energy on us. I have an amazing husband and when I say "I need a date night" he says OK! He knows I need that time away from the house and kids. It's taken us many years to get to this point though.
One thing we hadn't had in awhile was a weekend away. It's no secret that we went through HUGE life changes and HUGE marital issues in the past 3 years, not to mention the past year we have focused all our energy on caring for our son, surgeries, job changes, life changes, money changes...nearly every aspect in our life changed and I desperately told BD we needed a weekend away! I was running on fumes. It had been close to 2 1/2 years since we had been alone just the two of us for more than 3-4 hours. So away we went. We split the kids and tossed them at the grandparents and off we went to celebrate 8 years and surviving the last year.
We started off with a lovely 3 hour nap in our hotel room. Our room was gorgeous and the bed was AMAZINGLY comfy. It was heaven. I didn't want to leave the bed.
One thing we hadn't had in awhile was a weekend away. It's no secret that we went through HUGE life changes and HUGE marital issues in the past 3 years, not to mention the past year we have focused all our energy on caring for our son, surgeries, job changes, life changes, money changes...nearly every aspect in our life changed and I desperately told BD we needed a weekend away! I was running on fumes. It had been close to 2 1/2 years since we had been alone just the two of us for more than 3-4 hours. So away we went. We split the kids and tossed them at the grandparents and off we went to celebrate 8 years and surviving the last year.
We started off with a lovely 3 hour nap in our hotel room. Our room was gorgeous and the bed was AMAZINGLY comfy. It was heaven. I didn't want to leave the bed.
The worlds WORST Truffles.. for real.
Followed by dinner.... a nice dinner where I didn't say "stop blowing bubbles in your water" "Stop picking on each other" "Eat your meal" Once. A meal I was able to relax and eat slowly and not get food smeared on me. Followed by..yes..the mall. I love the mall.
We seriously went back to the hotel room after that and watched TV.. I'm dead serious. Oh ya, and raided the mini bar. Why in the world did we watch TV on our anniversary trip.. umm because we never get to watch a tv show uninterrupted. Even after the kids are in bed someone is bound to get up and need something. So yes, it was amazingly relaxing to be able to lay in bed and watch some TV shows and know that nobody would bug us. We're that lame :-)
Now it's time to plan for our 10 year anniversary.. I've been told that that anniversary deserves a destination getaway ..........hmmmmmmmmmmm.... Sign.me.up! Where ever shall I go?!
Monday, July 8, 2013
Let Freedom Ring
The 4th of July is always fun....one of my favorite holidays right after my birthday and Christmas. BD spent 3 years fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan to ensure this country stayed free. The last few years we didn't see fireworks in person...we either skipped them completely or watched them on TV.. In fact this was the first year 2 of my kids had seen fireworks in person. BD was either deployed or I had just had a baby or I wasn't up to taking 2 kids by myself to a fireworks show. In any case it's always a fun day.
This year we had a lazy morning then loaded up and drove to a town an hour away to meet up with our out of town guests. We hit up the mall (one of my favorite places) and hit up Build A Bear and the kids each got to design an animal. It was my first time going there and it was so fun! The kids have a few Build A Bears from their Great Oma, but this was the first they got to design themselves. The workers there take their jobs very seriously. The girls LOVED it. They had such a blast!!!
This year we had a lazy morning then loaded up and drove to a town an hour away to meet up with our out of town guests. We hit up the mall (one of my favorite places) and hit up Build A Bear and the kids each got to design an animal. It was my first time going there and it was so fun! The kids have a few Build A Bears from their Great Oma, but this was the first they got to design themselves. The workers there take their jobs very seriously. The girls LOVED it. They had such a blast!!!
lil man was content to just sit and hang out in his rockin mall stroller. Explain how I managed to bring everything but the kitchen sink and forget our awesome stroller at home :-(
Of course you cannot go to the mall without a trip to the Coach store and Cinnabon. Then we then headed over to eat at On the Border. YUM! By far one of my favorite places to eat!! Just delicious. Had it not been the 4th of July and 90 degrees out side I would have gotten my normal Chicken Tortilla soup but I figured I ought to get something grilled so BD and I shared fajitas.
The fireworks were incredible. We sat and relaxed and listened to a jazz concert they had playing and watched the ducks swim by in the lake. We were super close to where they were setting off the fireworks. It was awesome!! So fun! We were so close the Police came and warned us that we were in the fall out zone and to be cautious.
Wes was content to just sit and eat graham crackers all night.
The fireworks show was amazing and so beautiful! Every time they exploded you could feel the BOOM in your chest. It was absolutely magical. I will never be able to see fireworks any other way than sitting by a lake watching the reflection of the fireworks dance across the water. Next year I think we will just get a hotel room in the town because it took forever to get through traffic and get home.
It was absolutely beautiful and just what I needed to remind me how AMAZING this country is!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Slap Yo Mama Mac N Cheese
I'm not a huge fan of cheese. I don't like Cheddar. I don't like Swiss or Provolone. I won't eat it not melted. I won't eat it on Sandwiches and I don't like boxed Mac and Cheese. This is a problem in my family. The rest of my family loves cheese. Like.. Luh-ves it.
After Wesley's last surgery we were given a meal by a family friend. It was AMAZING mac and cheese with chicken in it. YUM! It was so yummy and we ate it for lunches and dinners for a couple days. Ever since then I have been searching for a comparable recipe. I found this recipe and decided to give it a try. Of course, I never make a recipe as the original states. I added a few things and changed some stuff up and the end result was AH-MAZ-ING. Like slap yo mama good, AMAZING.
First I bought a rotisserie chicken and shredded it. I guess you could boil and shred your own chicken but I didn't wanna put forth that much effort.. Plus, Rotisserie chickens are SO good.
All my measurements for the rue were the same:
After Wesley's last surgery we were given a meal by a family friend. It was AMAZING mac and cheese with chicken in it. YUM! It was so yummy and we ate it for lunches and dinners for a couple days. Ever since then I have been searching for a comparable recipe. I found this recipe and decided to give it a try. Of course, I never make a recipe as the original states. I added a few things and changed some stuff up and the end result was AH-MAZ-ING. Like slap yo mama good, AMAZING.
First I bought a rotisserie chicken and shredded it. I guess you could boil and shred your own chicken but I didn't wanna put forth that much effort.. Plus, Rotisserie chickens are SO good.
All my measurements for the rue were the same:
3
Tbsp. butter or margarine
2
Tbsp. flour
2
cups milk
I made my rue as the recipe states and I added in 2 (not the 1 1/2 like the original states) cups of a mexican blend shredded cheese.. I thought the original cheddar would be to strong. The mexican blend had a nice, mellow, cheesy flavor. Stirred until that was all gooey and yummy then I tossed in my already shredded chicken and the already boiled noodles (Approx 2 cups, maybe a little more) I added some season salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes for added flavor. Just season to taste.
Put that in a casserole dish. I used a 2qt rectangle dish. It was enough to feed the 4 of us but next time I think I will double the recipe and use a 9x13.
Topped it with bread crumbs and put in a 350 oven for 15 minutes. The last 5 I turned on the broiler to get everything browned up.
And there you have it... Slap Yo Mama Mac and cheese.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Picture Update
Thursday, June 27, 2013
One Year Later
My goal is to revive my lost blog..so if you like it and read, please share it. My life has semi calmed down from the last 15 months and I feel it's time to start this up again. I feel rusty..One time, long ago, words flowed from me, it was healing, like balm, to write. Now I feel like the rusty Tin Man. The past year has changed me. I'm not who I was 15 months ago.
15 months ago I was told "give it a year and he will be like any other normal boy..get through that first year and things will be fine" .... They were wrong. We've gotten past the VERY hard first year. Things -have- calmed down....but don't be mistaken...my Wesley is -not- a normal 1 year old. He's a fighter. He's a conqueror. He also has tubes in his ears... a hole in the roof of his mouth still... He doesn't talk much... The words he does say are only understood by those around him daily... He has therapies... Twice yearly visits to a plastic surgeon... yearly visits to a Cleft Clinic... Special cups... He still aspirates food in his nasal cavities...He has times he gets so much food stuck that he can't breathe well. He's in the middle of a one month break of near constant ear infections... 13-14 ear infections in the past year...with tubes. He's undergone 3 surgeries in the past year, with many more still in his life!.... and this is all when he doesn't have a surgery near.
It made me weary. Exhausted. Mentally, physically. Emotionally. There's been more times than I can count where I felt like a FAILURE as a mother. I couldn't parent my 2 girls like I should have while dealing with Wesley..Pre-op, post-op,surgery, recovery, ear infections, viral infections, ENT, ear suctions, drops, pills, liquid meds...constant. And now I am paying the price with my girls. Dealing with behavior that should have been nipped 6 months ago. Dealing with attitudes and hurts and their own issues. And I feel like I failed. It's embarrassing. Nobody in the store understands..nobody anywhere understands. They don't understand that I've had to focus my whole energy to my son who "looks normal" and that's why my girls aren't acting as they should. I'm looked at like a mother who can't control her children. A Lazy mother. So many times I have felt like a complete and utter FAILURE.
I've felt like a failure to my son.. so many hospitalizations...5 in the past year. We've been so blessed to haven't had to pay ANYTHING for his surgeries.. but that doesn't mean we aren't still paying for things due to his surgeries..So many unexpected expenses. There was a time when insurance wouldn't pick up his meds... so we paid out of pocket for them... He had to have them. Things related to his hospital stays.... food..lodging... medical equipment we wouldn't have gotten in the time needed if we wouldn't have bought them ourselves....special foods for him..ect... 2 moves in 6 months.. job changes... So many times I would collapse into Josh and just sob... "I can't take this anymore" "I can't do this! I can't go any further" But I had no choice. I LOVED that boy! It was my job as a mother to FIGHT for him!!! At ANY expense! When my girls were little I made them a promise "I will ALWAYS ALWAYS fight for you!!!" I made that same promise to Wesley. I never wanted any of my kids to ask me, later in life, Why didn't you fight for me!?!? Why Weren't you my advocate!?
To sum it up in one word..the past year was exhausting. In every way possible. But we made it.. We survived.
Why am I sharing this?!? I believe my words will help someone else. My words will give another mother hope. A mother that feels like they are drowning.. Like I did. Mama, hang in there!!! It SUCKS now. Whatever your situation may be. I KNOW. I've been there!! BUT..it all comes out in the wash. Everything will be OKAY! Bills will get paid.. Insurance will FINALLY kick in and erase those medical bills you keep getting but refuse to pay.. You will get a reprieve from the many hospitals. It will be okay!
If anyone has ideas for a new blog name.... Considering I'm not an Army wife anymore :), Please shoot me suggestions!!!!
15 months ago I was told "give it a year and he will be like any other normal boy..get through that first year and things will be fine" .... They were wrong. We've gotten past the VERY hard first year. Things -have- calmed down....but don't be mistaken...my Wesley is -not- a normal 1 year old. He's a fighter. He's a conqueror. He also has tubes in his ears... a hole in the roof of his mouth still... He doesn't talk much... The words he does say are only understood by those around him daily... He has therapies... Twice yearly visits to a plastic surgeon... yearly visits to a Cleft Clinic... Special cups... He still aspirates food in his nasal cavities...He has times he gets so much food stuck that he can't breathe well. He's in the middle of a one month break of near constant ear infections... 13-14 ear infections in the past year...with tubes. He's undergone 3 surgeries in the past year, with many more still in his life!.... and this is all when he doesn't have a surgery near.
It made me weary. Exhausted. Mentally, physically. Emotionally. There's been more times than I can count where I felt like a FAILURE as a mother. I couldn't parent my 2 girls like I should have while dealing with Wesley..Pre-op, post-op,surgery, recovery, ear infections, viral infections, ENT, ear suctions, drops, pills, liquid meds...constant. And now I am paying the price with my girls. Dealing with behavior that should have been nipped 6 months ago. Dealing with attitudes and hurts and their own issues. And I feel like I failed. It's embarrassing. Nobody in the store understands..nobody anywhere understands. They don't understand that I've had to focus my whole energy to my son who "looks normal" and that's why my girls aren't acting as they should. I'm looked at like a mother who can't control her children. A Lazy mother. So many times I have felt like a complete and utter FAILURE.
I've felt like a failure to my son.. so many hospitalizations...5 in the past year. We've been so blessed to haven't had to pay ANYTHING for his surgeries.. but that doesn't mean we aren't still paying for things due to his surgeries..So many unexpected expenses. There was a time when insurance wouldn't pick up his meds... so we paid out of pocket for them... He had to have them. Things related to his hospital stays.... food..lodging... medical equipment we wouldn't have gotten in the time needed if we wouldn't have bought them ourselves....special foods for him..ect... 2 moves in 6 months.. job changes... So many times I would collapse into Josh and just sob... "I can't take this anymore" "I can't do this! I can't go any further" But I had no choice. I LOVED that boy! It was my job as a mother to FIGHT for him!!! At ANY expense! When my girls were little I made them a promise "I will ALWAYS ALWAYS fight for you!!!" I made that same promise to Wesley. I never wanted any of my kids to ask me, later in life, Why didn't you fight for me!?!? Why Weren't you my advocate!?
To sum it up in one word..the past year was exhausting. In every way possible. But we made it.. We survived.
Why am I sharing this?!? I believe my words will help someone else. My words will give another mother hope. A mother that feels like they are drowning.. Like I did. Mama, hang in there!!! It SUCKS now. Whatever your situation may be. I KNOW. I've been there!! BUT..it all comes out in the wash. Everything will be OKAY! Bills will get paid.. Insurance will FINALLY kick in and erase those medical bills you keep getting but refuse to pay.. You will get a reprieve from the many hospitals. It will be okay!
If anyone has ideas for a new blog name.... Considering I'm not an Army wife anymore :), Please shoot me suggestions!!!!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Happy 1st Birthday
Happy First Birthday my amazing boy!!!! I'm so beyond proud of you! You're amazing. The day of your birth was both one of the best days of my life and one of the hardest. I love the boy you've become. You're spunky, happy, smart, cute, fun, fiery... Yes... Fiery is a great word to describe you. You think everything I say is funny. I love that when I start singing you sit there and stare at me..If you've been crying you stop and you stare. And smile. I love your hugs. I love how when you hear music you start dancing. I love your laugh, I love how you wave "byebye" and sign "all done"
Everything they said you couldn't do, I made sure you did. You are not a quitter. You are strong. You can do the impossible. Feeding tube, no way! Eating baby food, why, YES! Eating finger foods, of course!! Talking... They said it would be impossible with your cleft palate... you say "mama and uhoh"
All the social workers and therapists we have ever come into contact with are surprised and shocked that you are so good at eating (you are your fathers son). They all expect you to be on a feeding tube. We don't have time for that nonsense. You are my son.
I can't tell you what a joyful year it has been. You have brought so much joy to my life. I would do it all again..over and over. It's also been one of the hardest years of my life. You have made me a stronger mama. You've made me a stronger person. You've made me become an advocate for you and your sisters. You've brought daddy and I closer.
My son, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for any pain you felt, from the surgeries and anything else you have gone through. I'm so so sorry and if I could have taken the pain for you I would have. Every time you went back for surgery my heart was tearing. I may not have shown it on the outside but I was breaking on the inside. It hasn't stopped you, though. You have an amazing personality. You are going to be great. You are going to do great things.
I love you to the moon and back. Happy Happy Birthday my amazing boy!!
Mama and daddy love you so much!!!!
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