I've spent much of the past week reflecting, talking to those that are close to me, talking to BD and it's become apparent to me what I am feeling is weariness. I told BD last night that I feel like a bird whose wing is broken. The past year has made me so very weary.
On May 7, 2013 I was in eager anticipation of giving birth to my healthy baby boy. How our family would be fulfilled. How I would take him out in the first few days after he was born and show him off. May 8, 2013 my life forever changed. I was dealt with, what was probably, the hugest shock of my life. My son was born different. He wasn't breathing right. Before he was even out of my body I had the thoughts of "what's going on?" "Why is everyone staring at me" "why is my husband grey" My world was thrown upside down. Getting through those first couple weeks were... horrible. I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand why. I didn't understand what to do. I didn't understand why I felt such guilt and was that guilt even okay to feel? Here was my baby and I had no clue how to feed him or care for me. I have shouldered most of the weight in the past year. While BD is the best father I know, he struggled. He struggled seeing his son go through multiple hospital stays, Doctor visits where my son was put on display for show and tell. He struggled with the whole situation. He struggled with seeing his son in pain. So I took on all the care. The doctors. The attitudes. The questions... "What's wrong with him" .... I shouldered this weight that a mere 30 days before I didn't even know existed. I stopped caring for ME. I stopped doing what I loved. I stopped being me.
Then we were thrown from Military stability to Civilian life. Will my husband find a job? How will we provide for our kids.. I couldn't work. How will we eat? Will our son get the care he
needs? I shouldered that. BD had to focus all his energies on finding a job.
I had to be strong. A strong I had never been before. It's easy to be strong when your husband is deployed and you know you will have food, clothing, bills paid, nails done, weekly pedicures, and fun vacations. That's an easy strong. I had to be strong in the midst of my sons many issues, 3 moves in 6 months, no food at times, Can I pay the bills, Will my newly remade marriage survive this. A man out of work is not a pretty sight. There were no mani's. There were no Pedicures..
I lost me. I lost what I loved. I lost my passion. When I say I didn't take time for me. I mean..I REALLY didn't take time for me. All my energies, all my emotions, all my passions, were given to my family. And that, my friends, has left me so very very weary... I weary I don't know how to fix except through time and patience from my family.
BD summed it up well last night. How most of my family probably thought of me.
"You've always been strong. You've always had it all under control. You've always never needed. Until I read your blog I didn't realize how badly you were hurting. Yes, I knew you were struggling but I figured that you have done it before so you will be fine. That you had it under control. I can see now that you don't. I didn't realize"
and now my sweet husband is giving me foot rubs and letting me take a nap on the weekend while he doeslaundry and searched high and low for my pasta salad recipe to surprise me with pasta salad... (psst...it's in my head)
It's time for me to take care of the lady. I'm a mom, yes. I'm a wife, yes. But I am also a Lady. So I am taking time for ME this week. I'm going to get my hair cut. With money we don't really have right now because it's been way to long and I am a lady and I deserve it. I need to feel good about myself. So I'm stepping out on a limb and trusting that God will provide.
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