My goal is to revive my lost blog..so if you like it and read, please share it. My life has semi calmed down from the last 15 months and I feel it's time to start this up again. I feel rusty..One time, long ago, words flowed from me, it was healing, like balm, to write. Now I feel like the rusty Tin Man. The past year has changed me. I'm not who I was 15 months ago.
15 months ago I was told "give it a year and he will be like any other normal boy..get through that first year and things will be fine" .... They were wrong. We've gotten past the VERY hard first year. Things -have- calmed down....but don't be mistaken...my Wesley is -not- a normal 1 year old. He's a fighter. He's a conqueror. He also has tubes in his ears... a hole in the roof of his mouth still... He doesn't talk much... The words he does say are only understood by those around him daily... He has therapies... Twice yearly visits to a plastic surgeon... yearly visits to a Cleft Clinic... Special cups... He still aspirates food in his nasal cavities...He has times he gets so much food stuck that he can't breathe well. He's in the middle of a one month break of near constant ear infections... 13-14 ear infections in the past year...with tubes. He's undergone 3 surgeries in the past year, with many more still in his life!.... and this is all when he doesn't have a surgery near.
It made me weary. Exhausted. Mentally, physically. Emotionally. There's been more times than I can count where I felt like a FAILURE as a mother. I couldn't parent my 2 girls like I should have while dealing with Wesley..Pre-op, post-op,surgery, recovery, ear infections, viral infections, ENT, ear suctions, drops, pills, liquid meds...constant. And now I am paying the price with my girls. Dealing with behavior that should have been nipped 6 months ago. Dealing with attitudes and hurts and their own issues. And I feel like I failed. It's embarrassing. Nobody in the store understands..nobody anywhere understands. They don't understand that I've had to focus my whole energy to my son who "looks normal" and that's why my girls aren't acting as they should. I'm looked at like a mother who can't control her children. A Lazy mother. So many times I have felt like a complete and utter FAILURE.
I've felt like a failure to my son.. so many hospitalizations...5 in the past year. We've been so blessed to haven't had to pay ANYTHING for his surgeries.. but that doesn't mean we aren't still paying for things due to his surgeries..So many unexpected expenses. There was a time when insurance wouldn't pick up his meds... so we paid out of pocket for them... He had to have them. Things related to his hospital stays.... food..lodging... medical equipment we wouldn't have gotten in the time needed if we wouldn't have bought them ourselves....special foods for him..ect... 2 moves in 6 months.. job changes... So many times I would collapse into Josh and just sob... "I can't take this anymore" "I can't do this! I can't go any further" But I had no choice. I LOVED that boy! It was my job as a mother to FIGHT for him!!! At ANY expense! When my girls were little I made them a promise "I will ALWAYS ALWAYS fight for you!!!" I made that same promise to Wesley. I never wanted any of my kids to ask me, later in life, Why didn't you fight for me!?!? Why Weren't you my advocate!?
To sum it up in one word..the past year was exhausting. In every way possible. But we made it.. We survived.
Why am I sharing this?!? I believe my words will help someone else. My words will give another mother hope. A mother that feels like they are drowning.. Like I did. Mama, hang in there!!! It SUCKS now. Whatever your situation may be. I KNOW. I've been there!! BUT..it all comes out in the wash. Everything will be OKAY! Bills will get paid.. Insurance will FINALLY kick in and erase those medical bills you keep getting but refuse to pay.. You will get a reprieve from the many hospitals. It will be okay!
If anyone has ideas for a new blog name.... Considering I'm not an Army wife anymore :), Please shoot me suggestions!!!!
