Don't Change Him

Lately, I've been struggling with Wesley's upcoming surgery. I don't want him to have it..and not for the reason you may think..because I'm scared.  Part of me is, yes, any mother would be. The reason... He's perfect to me and I don't want to change him. Is that bizarre? I don't want to change who he is. I don't want to change his lip. I look at him and I don't see "cleft lip" as I first did when he was born. I see "Wesley"  I see his spirit. His huge, amazing grin.  I don't want to change him. I see my beautiful, amazing son.  Medically, I know it has to be done for his quality of life, I know this and I agree with it. It's best for HIM to have it done. But me, I don't want to change him.

It makes me sad to admit this but there was a time after he was born that I could barely look at him without crying. I hurt for him so bad. I cried and cried. Days, weeks.. I cried nearly every time I saw him.  I spent the time he was in the hospital crying. I'd pretend to be napping and I'd cry. Not because I was ashamed but because I just hated it.  I dealt with so much guilt. I was mad at myself. I felt I messed up. I felt that it wasn't fair. I felt I failed my husband. I finally gave him a son and look, I ruined it!!!  It took many talks, many tears but I finally realized that wasn't how my husband felt at all. He never ever felt jipped, he never felt let down. I love that man! He's such a strong, amazing father!!

Right after he was born I was so shell shocked. So saddened. I was grieving, grieving the son I thought I'd have. It was like the son I thought I was going to have died the moment I gave birth.   I've never admitted that to anyone but my husband but after reading a couple books about similiar situations that other people have had I realized I'm not alone in how I felt. How I felt was totally normal when you are handed such a shock.  I actually had people ask me "well why didn't you let us know when he was born!!!" and were upset with me. During that time I was dealing with so much I could barely eat.

And now I don't want to change him.  He's amazing. I love how he stops crying when I sing to him. I love how every morning when I unwrap him he smiles at me. I love watching his sisters play with him and how they totally accept him.  I love how, at times, I'm the only one who can get him to stop crying.

I hate it when I think about the pain he'll have to endure throughout his life but I love the ride I've been given.

New Girl In School

In just over 3 weeks we will start Terminal leave. Our active Military life will be done.   I am nowhere near ready. My house is still in full functional order, I haven't made to do lists..which is a must, I haven't started deep cleaning the apartment, I really *ought* to buy big girls birthday presents and school supplies while we are here because once we move she starts school the next week and in that week we'll have an appointment or two for little guy plus unpacking and job hunting, and registering for school, so it'd be much easier if I'd just do all that now.   I have nothing packed.  I have no trailers reserved. I don't even have a place to call home once we get there.  I have nothing done. Here's the funny thing, I don't care to either because I know that even if I don't start for a week and a half, I'll still get it all done because it's what I do. I'm Hooah.

Im in denial. I don't think it'll actually happen. I'm gonna miss this life. I'm going to miss my "sisters", I'm going to miss seeing hubs in ACU's, I'm going to miss watching homecomings.  I'm going to miss my SISTERS! (yes, I said it twice)  I don't even know if I will fit in with other wives..I've never been a Civilian wife. Which sounds crazy for me to say, I sound like a crazy person because there's no difference between Civilian wives and Military wives..is there?    I'm starting to feel like a fish out of water.  My life is completely changing.   Will I be accepted in this crazy civilan life? I'm no nonsense, independent to a fault, say what I think...that's me. I don't whine when my husband leaves for 2 weeks.  I don't weep if he has to work nights. I've unpacked a house in a day being 2 months pregnant and throwing up. I've hosted a BBQ a week after I had a baby, who spent a total of 5 days in the hospital.   I've thrown together a huge FRG Christmas party with just the help of one other person in the span of a week...during the holidays..in which I was hosting Christmas at my house.  Will I be accepted?  I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I don't stand for stupid.

I'm not taking down my Army Wife pictures and plaques.. I don't have to, do I?  I'll still be an Army wife to the core..right?  

I guess the point in all this incoherant rambling is that I'm scared. Really scared. I'm excited yet scared. I'm excited to not have to deal with the politics, I'm excited to not have to deal with deployments, I'm excited to go back to Kansas..I want to learn to Can.. because that's whatcha do, so I wanna do that so I can fit in...I want to grow a garden..Ok, nevermind, I don't. 

I feel like the new girl in school.

They Were Wrong

They said you'd have trouble eating...

They said you'd need a feeding tube.

They thought you has Sepsis or meningitis .....

They didn't think you'd make the 10 pound weight minimum for surgery at 3 months..you're already there!

They said you'd need intensive therapies...so far you've surpassed the therapists goals.

They said you'd aspirate your formula through your nose until both your lip and palate were fixed... I haven't had to suction your nose in at least a month. You don't aspirate anymore. They were wrong.

 They've been wrong about you thus far. Everything they say you can't do, you prove them wrong.

They say you'll need false teeth, bone grafts and many cosmetic surgeries. They say the palate surgery is very hard to recover from..with lots of pain and no eating and sleeplessness. They say you won't talk for a long time and when you do it will take a long time for you to get it. They say you'll need intensive speech therapy.

 I assume you'll prove them wrong too. My strong little man...what an inspiration you are. You've changed me for the better. You're a fighter. When I feel that I don't have the strenght to go on, one look into your smiling face gives me strength.