Lately, I've been struggling with Wesley's upcoming surgery. I don't want him to have it..and not for the reason you may think..because I'm scared. Part of me is, yes, any mother would be. The reason... He's perfect to me and I don't want to change him. Is that bizarre? I don't want to change who he is. I don't want to change his lip. I look at him and I don't see "cleft lip" as I first did when he was born. I see "Wesley" I see his spirit. His huge, amazing grin. I don't want to change him. I see my beautiful, amazing son. Medically, I know it has to be done for his quality of life, I know this and I agree with it. It's best for HIM to have it done. But me, I don't want to change him.
It makes me sad to admit this but there was a time after he was born that I could barely look at him without crying. I hurt for him so bad. I cried and cried. Days, weeks.. I cried nearly every time I saw him. I spent the time he was in the hospital crying. I'd pretend to be napping and I'd cry. Not because I was ashamed but because I just hated it. I dealt with so much guilt. I was mad at myself. I felt I messed up. I felt that it wasn't fair. I felt I failed my husband. I finally gave him a son and look, I ruined it!!! It took many talks, many tears but I finally realized that wasn't how my husband felt at all. He never ever felt jipped, he never felt let down. I love that man! He's such a strong, amazing father!!
Right after he was born I was so shell shocked. So saddened. I was grieving, grieving the son I thought I'd have. It was like the son I thought I was going to have died the moment I gave birth. I've never admitted that to anyone but my husband but after reading a couple books about similiar situations that other people have had I realized I'm not alone in how I felt. How I felt was totally normal when you are handed such a shock. I actually had people ask me "well why didn't you let us know when he was born!!!" and were upset with me. During that time I was dealing with so much I could barely eat.
And now I don't want to change him. He's amazing. I love how he stops crying when I sing to him. I love how every morning when I unwrap him he smiles at me. I love watching his sisters play with him and how they totally accept him. I love how, at times, I'm the only one who can get him to stop crying.
I hate it when I think about the pain he'll have to endure throughout his life but I love the ride I've been given.
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