So here we are..out of the Army.. Civilian life.. and all I want to do is go back to the Army. I am scared to death. I try to not even think about it because when I do I get panicky, I feel like I can't breathe. Just last night I had a dream about having panic attacks. I just don't think about it but it's coming upon the time where I have to start thinking about it. What do we do if jobs don't line up with when our Army paychecks stop? Because of expenses our savings account has been depleated..completely. Like, to the dollar. I am dead serious. It's like someone looked at our bank accounts and then charged us that. When I was told the last amount we had to give up I just looked at Hubs..."are you serious.. that's all we have left" and like the optimist I am I said "well....... at least we have enough to cover it" lol Truck problems, moving expenses that the Army won't cover, unexpected bills, traveling for Wesley's appointments and therapies, ect.
I am so thankful for the month and a half of Army pay we have left but, if you have ever been in the Army, you know how much that is, And those that know my husbands rank know how much we make. (ha) Thankfully it covers our bills, groceries, gas, and some to save because we do live fairly frugal but not near enough where we are "safe" come October if Hubs doesn't have a job to cover us at least a month. I KNOW all the saving tricks. I can save money with the best of em. I developed that talent from my mom. I can make money stretch to where you're head would spin. But when I'm hit with "pay this" "pay that" "opps another $200 here" what am I supposed to do?
Our plan 4 months ago was for both of us to get jobs and with Big girl in school, paying for 2 daycares was doable and we'd be making more than enough...and then lil man was born. I can't go get a normal job right now. I can't work 9-5. I don't trust anyone to know how to care for him, in a daycare setting. I would be taking off 2-3 times a week for appointments and therapies. Then his surgery I would need to take off for..and recovery.. I can't go apply for a job and then ask for 2 days a week off. I could get a night job but then when Hubs gets a PD job and goes to academy he will be gone all week and I'd have to quit. So right now, until I can think of another plan, it's totally up to hubs to provide. Which upsets me. I feel like I'm quitting on my part of our deal. We had a deal and now I can't hold up on my end of it.
Sure, I could do some sales job like Avon or the like but the problem with that is that it isn't a NEED for people. You don't make much and your clients vary. They don't always stay customers. I've walked down that road before and while it's a fun pasttime to do and to make a little spending money, it isn't what we need right now.
I know everything works out. I know in the end it will all work out. But right now I don't know how. We've been told "well be thankful you have two months of pay left to use while you job hunt" yes, we do and we are but if for some reason we have a lapse... we're screwed. We have 3 kids to think about. I will NOT let my kids suffer! My kids don't need to know about the issues we have going on. They shouldn't be deprived of a fun birthday or the backpack she wants. I'll make cuts elsewhere. I'll put a belt over my too big jeans instead of buying new. I'll wear my lounge pants to walmart and be "that" person if I have to. This is not my kids fault. I'm trying to think of creative ways to make money but so far I'm not coming up with much.
I'm scared. I've never been like this before. I've never been so stressed to where I have dreams of having panic attacks and feeling like I can't breathe. I just really really need it all to come together soon. All these puzzle pieces are floating around and nothing is clicking into place. They are just floating and I'm here jumping up trying to catch 1 or 2 and put the puzzle together.
I know it'll all work out. It has to. What other choice is there? But the getting there is torture.
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