Deployments: What you don't know

Disclaimer: This blog is not for the faint of heart. If you are going through a deployment or about to I suggest you not read further. This is one of my blogs that is raw and emotional.

I've just completed my third deployment in 6 years. Deployments are a roller coaster ride. The scariest roller coaster ride ever. It doesn't start the day they leave, It starts months beforehand. The rollercoaster of emotions and tears and anger and denial. You're given briefs beforehand,. Your Soldier is given briefs beforehand. Everyone knows that you must be feeling sad, scared that your Soldier may not come home, nervous, ect. Things I haven't shared with anyone non military, things I haven't felt I could share until now. Things I wouldn't share without my Soldiers approval. Now that I am done with deployments and my Soldier is home safe I finally feel like I can share this stuff. This may not be everyone's experiences, I'm not sure wives would talk about it if it was, but it was my experience.

Here's what you don't know..................


I've spent coutless evenings sitting around listening to "this is my will" Being read a will. Being told "this is how I want my funeral" Having that conversation is one thing, but to have it right before your soldier is going off to a war zone. It messes with your emotions big time.

I've been told what to say and what not to say should there be a mass casulty situation and the press starts sneaking around.

I've been told about the risk of being captured. This last deployment was different than the other 2. Scarier, riskier. More at stake.

My soldier was sent home from a brief and was told to tell their spouse about what they should do if the soldier was captured by insurgents. What do to if they were captured and threatened with beheading. Who to contact. Who to talk to and who to not talk to. Talk about emotions. "bye babe, see ya in a year, oh here's what to do if I should get beheaded" We've all seen on T.V pictures of insurgents having captured a soldier..Now imagine if that were your spouse. This conversation is one of them that kept me awake at night, brought countless tears and countless moments of panic.

I sat at a brief and was shown a map of a 'base' "There's one small chainlink fence protecting your soldier from the rest of Afghanistan" (Think: backyard fence) and "we're using this hummer here as a 'gate', nobody IN the hummer, just a hummer, but don't worry about your soldier, they are in fine hands"

The things I heard. It's surprising I didn't have to be medicated.

I've been told time and time again about who makes notifications about Casulties. Who and how and what and why. Lord forbid UPS knocks on my door without me knowing.

Did I let myself go to that 'dark place?' At times. I couldn't get past 'what if there's a knock at the door' At that point I had to stop myself. I couldn't and wouldn't let myself go any further. Instant tears. It's an unspoken rule with the Army wives, you never ever show up unexpected.

I remember one time, my Soldier was due home very very soon. I was busy doing housework and piddling around and Big girl hollers "mom, theres someone at the door" So I peek out the window and all I see is ACU uniform. I couldn't see their face. My heart stopped. Every one of my bodily functions stopped. I opened the door, of course, and it was just one of my husbands Soldiers stopping by to see if he was home yet. I shoulda smacked him. Granted, looking back, my Soldier was safe because he was due home so soon but it still stops your heart.

Everyday is a roller coaster. Everyday you are up or down or both, or hourly. Getting a call from your soldier and all of a sudden you hear sirens and "Oh crap I gotta go!" (Click) and you are left there sitting at home with the what if's, the emotions, wondering if that time it was for real. Will he call back? When will he call back? What if he doesn't. What do you do?........sit and wait?

My first 2 deployments weren't this raw. Number three was a different story. Number 3 tested my resolve and will and strength every step of the way, up until an hour before my soldier was home. Why was I told all this? Wouldn't it just be easier if I was kept blind? yeah, it would have been easier but that's not the smartest idea. You never know what might happen.

Our time in the Army is up soon. In less than a year. I'm sad to leave. I'm sad to leave my Army family. I'm sad to leave this. My heart, mind, sprirt, and marriage are on the line though. Not getting out would require another deployment in a year. I go back and forth, could I or couldn't I do another deployment? Could I? Ultimatly, yes. I physically -could- do 4 deployments in 8 years. Is that what's healthy for me, my kids, my family, my marriage..... I'm not too sure about that. If it were in the cards for us to be in a non deployable unit for a few years then without a doubt we would stay in, but at this moment that's not what's happening for us.