One stay at home moms journey to find herself again

Monday, January 16, 2012

Hold On Tight

Here we are, less than a year until we are officially out of the Army. I will no longer be an Army wife. I'll just be a... wife. (weird)

I'm scared to death. For the first time in our married lives we don't have anyone to tell us where to go or what to do or what we are doing when we get there.

I want to go back to Kansas. We have family there. At times I feel bad fighting so hard to go home, when, in fact, it may be easier for hubs to get a job here in Texas, just because of the distance. I feel guilty but then I realize that I've followed for 8 years. I've been alone for 3 years. I've been without the support of a family down the street or even an hour away. After almost 8 years I crave "easy" This life isn't easy.

I was talking to an individual, one familiar with military life and works with military people daily, and he asked me "Did you have any daily help raising your two kids for the two year long deployments" I looked at him like he was crazy. "No. I did it myself. My mom visited when she could but for the most part I did it all" Then he looked at me like I was the crazy one. "You had NO help" ... Again, crazy look.. "No. All me.. 24/7" After that conversation I got to thinking "Is that so weird? I thought that was normal? Is it normal? or am I the crazy one?" I learned it was suck it up and deal. Sick? Suck it up and deal. Tired? ..not even an excuse. 2 sick kids -and- your sick...that sucks, but oh well.

I'm not trying to get sympathy from people. I don't want any 'woe is me' My point is, to me, that -is- my normal. Completely and totally normal. I know many many women who do the same. It struck me as odd that this man, who interacts with the military daily, was so shocked.

I want the luxury to be able to call my mom when I'm sick and need help with the kids. I've never had that. I want the luxury to have a date night, every Friday night if we want and be able to choose between numerous SAFE babysitting options. I want to have the luxury to celebrate Christmas with both sets of parents if I want, One Christmas eve, One on Christmas. I haven't had that luxury. I want the luxury to have OPTIONS for support from family. Granted, my family does amazing but it's not the same. I want the girls grandparents to be at their ballet recitals or school plays. I haven't had any of these luxuries.

I'm going to miss my Army girls. It makes me teary to think about. All those women and friends who have been there for me and supported me. My dear dear friends. It really is like a family. I've made amazing friends. Met amazing, strong, beautiful women who I aspire to be like. Despite it all, I wouldn't change the past 8 years for -anything-

I've changed. I'm not that same girl that left Kansas at 18 years old. I'm strong, Stronger than I need to be at times. I know who I am. I can handle just about anything, Fix just about anything, Redo pipes under the sink..sure! Recaulk a problem! Unpack a house top to bottom in less than a week..You got it!

I'm scared. No job, as of yet. No place to live. No 'net' incase we fall off this tightrope we are walking. We don't have the luxury to be homeless with 3 kids. We don't have the luxury to go and 'wait it out' and see what happens. I have kids to feed. Kids to get in school.

I feel like I'm about to jump onto a mechanical bull.... Time to Hold on tight and pray you don't get knocked off.

That's MY Army Wife Life!

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