Day 365

Today I have been married 6 years. I am also on day 365 of my 3rd deployment in 6 years. I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind today. I'm feeling very reflective and introvertive.
Like the fact that I've spent over half my married life alone. I wonder how this deployment will affect my children.

3 deployments in 6 years takes a toll on a family, on a marriage, on children. I know for a fact that if we were not getting out of the Army next year we would be facing yet another deployment, which would make the count 4 deployments in 8 years. Stop..The..Madness. I just wanna holler at them "Dont..You.. GET.. it?!"

When will someone realize this is not right? I understand the mission.. I understand the whole "soldier" thing. Trust me, I get it. But I also get the fact that there are soldiers out there who haven't deployed or who have deployed only once and that upsets me. Some may say the whole "well, they have a different job" shpeal. gotcha! But here's the thing; my soldier has spent the majority of the past 7 years doing things OTHER than his job. I can count on one hand the times when he's actually done his specific job, that he was at AIT for. My point being, why?! Do the "Army Gods that Be" not get how hard it is on family, the back to back deployments? Do they not get how it tears down a marriage? Doing 3 back to back deployments changes people, both parties. You barely get a chance to get to know the 'new' person before it's time to go again. Yes, I realize there are marriage retreats, siminars, ect but those things do us no good when we are supposed to BRAC move less than 2 months after he returns,and it does us no good to schedule such things during a move. Or when you're spouse is too "essential" and can't go. (don't get me started on the whole 'essential' thing) It does nobody any good to 'give' us 25 days of free leave for doing 3 back to back deployments when you have to use those days to move during that. "here's your free leave..now, use it to move" Last I checked moving across state wasn't a vacation...But that's what we gotta do.

Contrary to popular belief your soldier doesn't come home and things pick up right where they were before. You don't walk in the door and things click back into place. A lot of times it takes months to get into a groove again and start feeling normal. Now, I understand that isn't -always- the case but a lot of the time it is. And just as you start feeling normal again he's shipped off..after so many times of that, what's the fallout?

This past year I have been extremely happy, I've been extremely sad, I've hit rock bottom, I've been so stressed it feels like I am going to explode..many many many times. I've felt like I didn't know how I was going to survive. I've heard "I miss daddy" about 700 times, if not more. I've been the bad guy, I've been the 'meany' I'm done. I don't know many people that have gone through 3 deployments in 6 years like I have, the cards fell differently for them than me. Why? why me? why us? Why am I on the verge of loosing everything? Why does my 'fight' feel almost gone? and still..there's no reprieve in sight. Moving, no home where we're going, no prospect of a home, renting the house we are currently in (FYI: If you're coming to the area and need a home to rent let me know), My eldest is starting school in 60 days.. Maybe by September I'll feel normal again. I dont know.
I do know that I gotta keep swimming.. somehow. Gotta keep swimming. Gotta keep my head above the water. Right now I kinda need a floatie though because I'm up to my neck.