Holdin' On

Today's blog is hard to read.  Hard for me to read and it's my story.  It's not meant as a "woe is me" It's not meant for sympathy. There's no sympathy needed.  Sometimes when you write, things have to be said though and this is one of them. I feel you all should know this story.  Thank you to all my friends and family for your loving support the past week. You're acceptance and love towards us is overwhelming.  This story isn't gramatically correct nor perfect but I felt it was important to write it as I felt it... Raw.

I was laying there, fresh from giving birth, and I heard that fateful sentence; "Mom and Dad, did the doctors ever say anything may be wrong with your baby, anything in the ultrasounds or tests" I obviously couldn't see him and he was facing away from my husband. "No" we said. "Everything is fine with him"   I knew this wasn't a routine question asked........... And our world changed.  

"He has a bit of a cleft lip and palate but that's completely fixable and he is perfectly healthy in every other way" and I looked over at my husband and I saw the terror in his eyes, the fear.  He looked like he was about to faint, throw up, or cry..Maybe all 3....He looked grey.   I haven't ever seen that look in his face and I instantly started crying. Saying over and over "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" sobbing.  And then they lifted him on my chest.  Nurses and midwives saying to me "he's beautiful, don't be sorry, it's not your fault, he's gorgeous and healthy and beautiful"  I cried.  They kept saying to me "It's not your fault! He's beautiful, He's gorgeous, You did so good mama"   We saw his face.  We held him.  He was amazing.  He was beautiful.   In 30 seconds our lives changed. Everything we thought was different.  They were cleaning him up...

"Is he okay?, How is he?" and alternating between sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry"  
"He's fine momma, he's beautiful and healthy" They said
"He's a strong lil man. He's got beautiful brownish/red hair" my husband said

We loved him the moment we saw him. We wanted him before he was born and a small birth defect, if you even can call it that, cannot change that. He has no "defect".  He's perfect. Made just how he was supposed to be.  The shock was like being hit in the stomach with a metal pole.  "Oh God, what are we going to do."

Whirlwind doesn't begin to describe it.  Doctors, Baby nurses, Social workers, Therapists, feedings, special bottles, neonatologists.  One after the other. In at all hours.  Handing us papers and giving us information.  I can't tell you how many times someone would come in and say "so and so came and talked to you, right?" and I would look at my husband and say "I don't know" I was in a fog.

I had nurses in every hour that first night. Helping me with feedings, asking if I needed anything. Trying to figure out the right combination of formula and bottle.  My dream of breastfeeding him... gone.  I tried and tried. It can't be done.  I was told I can't keep trying and chance him losing too much weight. "We need him to eat and eat well, he needs to gain weight"  I cried some more.  I tried to hold in the tears. Tried to keep them at bay throughout everyone walking in and out...  They had to come out at some point, didn't they?  My husband needed me to be strong. My girls hadn't yet met their brother..I had to stay strong so I could explain to them.  They'd have questions.  I feared once I let the tears flow then they wouldn't stop. Ever.  I had to be strong for everyone. The visitors at the hospital.. my mom. my family. Our friends.

He's in for so much pain in his little life.  Surgeries, medicines, Doctors.  I want to hide him away. Protect him.  I'm not ashamed. My mothers heart wants to hide him from the world, hide him from any pain.   Hide him from mean people.

One thing I know.... Everything happens for a reason.  This happened for a reason.  I can't help but ask why though.  WHY?!  Clefts are more common in American Indians.. is that why? Because I'm part Indian?  It's more common in boys..is that why?  They say it can be genetic... How can that be? Nobody in our family has it.   They say very very rarely does it happen at random.. are we that "very very rare" case?   I asked for days "What did I do?!"  I'm the one that "grew" him.  Clefts develope in the first 3-10 weeks of pregnancy. I thought back to then. What was going on then? I knew I was pregnant.  Was I too stressed? Did I do too much?  Fact is, we may never know.  Can I be okay with that?

I spent much of the pregnancy wondering if I could love a little boy like I love my little girls. Would HE love me? Would I be important to him or would he just be all about his daddy?   ............ Now I know the answer.   That little boy has taken hold of my heart.  I love that little boy with every piece of my heart.  Lip, no lip. It doesn't matter.  My heart is completely entertwined with him.  His beautiful chubby cheeks, perfect for kissing. His baby smell, His beautiful soft hair, his long tiny fingers.

We have to take it day by day. Hour by hour at some points.  So many things are unknown. So many things are scary.  But we have to keep holdin' on.

Holdin on tight.