Let Freedom Ring

The 4th of July is always fun....one of my favorite holidays right after my birthday and Christmas. BD spent 3 years fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan to ensure this country stayed free.   The last few years we didn't see fireworks in person...we either skipped them completely or watched them on TV.. In fact this was the first year 2 of my kids had seen fireworks in person.   BD was either deployed or I had just had a baby or I wasn't up to taking 2 kids by myself to a fireworks show.  In any case it's always a fun day.

This year we had a lazy morning then loaded up and drove to a town an hour away to meet up with our out of town guests.  We hit up the mall (one of my favorite places)  and hit up Build A Bear and the kids each got to design an animal. It was my first time going there and it was so fun!  The kids have a few Build A Bears from their Great Oma, but this was the first they got to design themselves.   The workers there take their jobs very seriously.  The girls LOVED it.  They had such a blast!!!

lil man was content to just sit and hang out in his rockin mall stroller.   Explain how I managed to bring everything but the kitchen sink and forget our awesome stroller at home :-(

Of course you cannot go to the mall without a trip to the Coach store and Cinnabon.  Then we then headed over to eat at On the Border.  YUM! By far one of my favorite places to eat!!  Just delicious.  Had it not been the 4th of July and 90 degrees out side I would have gotten my normal Chicken Tortilla soup but I figured I ought to get something grilled so BD and I shared fajitas. 

The fireworks were incredible. We sat and relaxed and listened to a jazz concert they had playing and watched the ducks swim by in the lake.  We were super close to where they were setting off the fireworks. It was awesome!! So fun!  We were so close the Police came and warned us that we were in the fall out zone and to be cautious. 

Wes was content to just sit and eat graham crackers all night.

The fireworks show was amazing and so beautiful! Every time they exploded you could feel the BOOM in your chest.   It was absolutely magical.   I will never be able to see fireworks any other way than sitting by a lake  watching the reflection of the fireworks dance across the water.   Next year I think we will just get a hotel room in the town because it took forever to get through traffic and get home. 

It was absolutely beautiful and just what I needed to remind me how AMAZING this country is! 

Slap Yo Mama Mac N Cheese

I'm not a huge fan of cheese. I don't like Cheddar.  I don't like Swiss or Provolone.  I won't eat it not melted. I won't eat it on Sandwiches and I don't like boxed Mac and Cheese. This is a problem in my family.  The rest of my family loves cheese. Like.. Luh-ves it. 

 After Wesley's last surgery we were given a meal by a family friend. It was AMAZING mac and cheese with chicken in it. YUM! It was so yummy and we ate it for lunches and dinners for a couple days.  Ever since then I have been searching for a comparable recipe.  I found this recipe and decided to give it a try.  Of course, I never make a recipe as the original states.  I added a few things and changed some stuff up and the end result was AH-MAZ-ING.  Like slap yo mama good, AMAZING.

First I bought a rotisserie chicken and shredded it.  I guess you could boil and shred your own chicken but I didn't wanna put forth that much effort.. Plus, Rotisserie chickens are SO good. 

All my measurements for the rue were the same:

3

Tbsp.  butter or margarine

2

Tbsp.  flour

2

cups  milk

I made my rue as the recipe states and I added in 2  (not the 1 1/2 like the original states) cups of a mexican blend shredded cheese.. I thought the original cheddar would be to strong. The mexican blend had a nice, mellow, cheesy flavor. Stirred until that was all gooey and yummy then I tossed in my already shredded chicken and the already boiled noodles (Approx 2 cups, maybe a little more)  I added some season salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes for added flavor.  Just season to taste. 

Put that in a casserole dish.  I used a 2qt rectangle dish.  It was enough to feed the 4 of us but next time I think I will double the recipe and use a 9x13.  

Topped it with bread crumbs and put in a 350 oven for 15 minutes. The last 5 I turned on the broiler to get everything browned up. 

And there you have it... Slap Yo Mama Mac and cheese.

Picture Update

                                I'm rediscovering the beauty of gorgeous wheat fields and country houses!

                                                                  Love this crazy girl!

                                     my brainy-type A personality child! Always thinking..always doing.

                                                                    Ginger boy!

                                                               Highlight of my year

                                                        Million Dollar shot!

                                                               My Men

One Year Later

My goal is to revive my lost blog..so if you like it and read, please share it.  My life has semi calmed down from the last 15 months and I feel it's time to start this up again.  I feel rusty..One time, long ago, words flowed from me, it was healing, like balm, to write.  Now I feel like the rusty Tin Man.    The past year has changed me.   I'm not who I was 15 months ago.  

15 months ago I was told "give it a year and he will be like any other normal boy..get through that first year and things will be fine"  ....  They were wrong.  We've gotten past the VERY hard first year.  Things -have- calmed down....but don't be mistaken...my Wesley is -not- a normal 1 year old.   He's a fighter.  He's a conqueror.  He also has tubes in his ears... a hole in the roof of his mouth still... He doesn't talk much... The words he does say are only understood by those around him daily... He has therapies... Twice yearly visits to a plastic surgeon... yearly visits to a Cleft Clinic... Special cups... He still aspirates food in his nasal cavities...He has times he gets so much food stuck that he can't breathe well.  He's in the middle of a one month break of near constant ear infections... 13-14 ear infections in the past year...with tubes.     He's undergone 3 surgeries in the past year, with many more still in his life!.... and this is all when he doesn't have a surgery near.  

 It made me weary.  Exhausted.  Mentally, physically.  Emotionally.    There's been more times than I can count where I felt like a FAILURE as a mother.   I couldn't parent my 2 girls like I should have while dealing with Wesley..Pre-op, post-op,surgery, recovery, ear infections, viral infections, ENT, ear suctions, drops, pills, liquid meds...constant.  And now I am paying the price with my girls.    Dealing with behavior that should have been nipped 6 months ago.  Dealing with attitudes and hurts and their own issues. And I feel like I failed.   It's embarrassing. Nobody in the store understands..nobody anywhere understands.  They don't understand that I've had to focus my whole energy to my son who "looks normal" and that's why my girls aren't acting as they should.   I'm looked at like a mother who can't control her children.  A Lazy mother.   So many times I have felt like a complete and utter FAILURE.  

I've felt like a failure to my son.. so many hospitalizations...5 in the past year. We've been so blessed to haven't had to pay ANYTHING for his surgeries.. but that doesn't mean we aren't still paying for things due to his surgeries..So many unexpected expenses.   There was a time when insurance wouldn't pick up his meds... so we paid out of pocket for them... He had to have them.   Things related to his hospital stays.... food..lodging... medical equipment we wouldn't have gotten in the time needed if we wouldn't  have bought them ourselves....special foods for him..ect... 2 moves in 6 months.. job changes...   So many times I would collapse into Josh and just sob... "I can't take this anymore"  "I can't do this!  I can't go any further"   But I had no choice.   I LOVED that boy! It was my job as a mother to FIGHT for him!!! At ANY expense!  When my girls were little I made them a promise "I will ALWAYS ALWAYS fight for you!!!"  I made that same promise to Wesley.  I never wanted any of my kids to ask me, later in life, Why didn't you fight for me!?!? Why Weren't you my advocate!? 

To sum it up in one word..the past year was exhausting.  In every way possible.  But we made it.. We survived.  

Why am I sharing this?!?  I believe my words will help someone else.  My words will give another mother hope.  A mother that feels like they are drowning.. Like I did.    Mama, hang in there!!! It SUCKS now. Whatever your situation may be. I KNOW.  I've been there!! BUT..it all comes out in the wash.   Everything will be OKAY!    Bills will get paid.. Insurance will FINALLY kick in and erase those medical bills you keep getting but refuse to pay.. You will get a reprieve from the many hospitals.  It will be okay! 



If anyone has ideas for a new blog name.... Considering I'm not an Army wife anymore :), Please shoot me suggestions!!!!  

Happy 1st Birthday

Happy First Birthday my amazing boy!!!! I'm so beyond proud of you!  You're amazing.  The day of your birth was both one of the best days of my life and one of the hardest. I love the boy you've become.  You're spunky, happy, smart, cute, fun, fiery... Yes... Fiery is a great word to describe you.   You think everything I say is funny.   I love that when I start singing you sit there and stare at me..If you've been crying you stop and you stare.  And smile.  I love your hugs.  I love how when you hear music you start dancing.  I love your laugh, I love how you wave "byebye"  and sign "all done"

Everything they said you couldn't do, I made sure you did.  You are not a quitter. You are strong.  You can do the impossible.  Feeding tube, no way! Eating baby food, why, YES! Eating finger foods, of course!!  Talking... They said it would be impossible with your cleft palate...  you say "mama and uhoh"
All the social workers and therapists we have ever come into contact with are surprised and shocked that you are so good at eating (you are your fathers son).  They all expect you to be on a feeding tube.  We don't have time for that nonsense.  You are my son.

I can't tell you what a joyful year it has been.  You have brought so much joy to my life.  I would do it all again..over and over.  It's also been one of the hardest years of my life.  You have made me a stronger mama.  You've made me a stronger person.  You've made me become an advocate for you and your sisters.  You've brought daddy and I closer.

My son, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for any pain you felt, from the surgeries and anything else you have gone through. I'm so so sorry and if I could have taken the pain for you I would have.  Every time you went back for surgery my heart was tearing. I may not have shown it on the outside but I was breaking on the inside.    It hasn't stopped you, though. You have an amazing personality.   You are going to be great.   You are going to do great things.

I love you to the moon and back.  Happy Happy Birthday my amazing boy!!

Mama and daddy love you so much!!!!

Update on our life

My poor blog is so neglected. :-( I'm going to try to hop back into it.

We are settling into civilian life. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the Army. I miss it terribly! This is right for us though.   Life is hectic. Hubs is working full time, going to school full time, big girl is in school all day, and I'm home with the two babies.  I'm still waiting for that perfect job to open up, but that option seems to be closed for now.  I have stopped applying because, well, I don't have anyone to watch the babies if I were to get an interview.    Another factor is all the time I would need off for Wesley. Ear infections, surgery, recovery.

We are battling ear infections with Wesley. They haven't stopped since his surgery on Sept 8th. One after the other. It's emotionally exhausting.  How can I possibly get a job when I would need to take off every 10 days for a week because of Wesley's ear infections..since he has tubes, they drain...no daycare would allow him to come with draining ears. The longest he's had without an infection is 10 days.   It's exhausting.   I can't get anyone to give me answers. I'm fighting constantly.

As for Hubs job.. I LOVE IT! We took a 50% pay cut when he took this job... it's hard..50% is a really hard cut,  but I've encouraged him to stay where he is. The environment he is in is SO good for him, mentally.  He needs the low key atmosphere that he's working in right now. After 8 years of constant stress and the environment he worked in, this job is doing wonders for him. He comes home happy and not stressed. His phone isn't ringing off the hook at all hours. He works 8:00-4:30..awesome hours and he works with great people.

As for Wesley's surgery.......It's tentatively scheduled for Nov 29th. That is all pending whether our supplemental insurance goes through...if it does, then we will be doing it here in Wichita as opposed to Kansas City.  It's all up in the air. I don't know what will happen.

I'm carrying the brunt of the load.  It is what it is now.  With Hubs at work and then either doing homework or studying or in seminars it all falls back on me. I don't think anyone realizes how much of a load I am carrying.  Mentally and emotionally. But that is what has to be done right now. All that we are doing now is bettering our future. In a year, two years... things will be much much better.

Blessings are happening though! About a month ago we got a mysterious deposit in our account. We were in the middle of a pay lapse and things were bad.  The day before that money came I didn't know what to put in my daughters lunch..didn't even have money to put in her lunch account to eat at school. I was down to nothing in the cupboards. The money showed up as a deposit from the Army... We called the accounting system and they said "we have no record as to why you got that money. We show nothing being paid to you"  WOW!!!!  I was able to buy groceries and get big girl her lunch an hour before she would have gone hungry!
Then last weekend I was paying bills and I went to check the mail and our water bill came.   I opened it up and we owed NOTHING! We had a credit of .81! They show I paid double last month but.. I didn't. Why would I pay twice the amount on a bill?


Did we make the right choice by getting out of the Military? Yes!  We are happy! Truly happy! Not happy because we have tons of money. Just... Happy.  My husband is less stressed, his memory is getting better as the stress stays low, We are close to family. We are making friends. We are working towards making roots here. It's all good!

Just Because You Can't See It Doesn't Mean It's Not There

All too many times people think that if you come home from war without external injuries you are okay. They say "Count yourself blessed"  And we do! Thank God mine and many others I know didn't lose their lives. I've lost many people I know in this war, but let's all remember though that there are injuries you don't see. Injuries that only someone close to that person can see.  TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury),  PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder),  and anxiety issues are a few of the many mental and psychological injuries that can occur while overseas.  They are far too often overlooked unless you know someone affected by it. 

This blog isn't political, I don't want it to be, I don't do political.  Honestly, I haven't decided who I am voting for and I don't give a hoot who you vote for.   Let me say one thing though... Please be aware, when someone says they are going to cut Military spending, that isn't just more pay for the Military members. It isn't brand new top of the line trucks.  Cutting funds for the Military means that programs that help soldiers and families deal with mental health will be cut. Less funding for those that need help!  Less programs available to help the families deal with what their spouse is going through.  Programs like that are invaluable. Programs like that save lives. Programs like that save families.  Programs like that saved MY family.

The man I am married to today is not the man I married. I know many many people whose story is the same.  My husband has a TBI.    

Why did that husband walk away from his family at the fair? Why is that man anxiously looking around the restaurant. Why did he make them leave the mall far before his wife or girlfriend was ready? Why can't he remember where he put this or that?   Why did he get so mad over such a little thing? Why does that man sitting there look so angry?  In a crowded mall you see a man and woman walking together and the woman is visibly anxious... is he beating her? Perhaps she's anxious wondering if her husband is okay..if he's going to need to leave before they've accomplished what they came for...wondering if all the people in the store will cause her husband to feel so anxious that he gets mad.

Before you judge just remember....maybe there's something else going on, far greater than you can imagine.

Let us never forget the wounds and injuries that we can't see.  Those that aren't visible to our eyes.