I'm stressed. To the max. How am I supposed to make decisions for a tiny little man that will affect him his whole life? My heart aches. I don't know what to do. I don't know what decisions to make. I don't know what the right thing to do is. We are debating a certain treatment right now. One that could make his surgeries go smoother and easier. Downside is it would mean a hospitalization, weekly trips to the dentist, fittings, refittings, and this treatment would last for 4 months, delaying the lip surgery and also cutting into our terminal leave, which means we couldn't move back to Kansas until the treatment was finished. Do we sit here and waste a month or more of leave time, not being able to job hunt in Kansas? What's the right decision? Do we delay moving back home and finding stable jobs and delay him getting his surgery done? Or do we not do the treatment and hope for the best during the surgery, which we will be able to get done soon? We've been told we can still get very good results without doing this treatment. Are we bad parents for NOT doing this? Or are we bad parents for sitting here in El paso, waiting around for a month or more, delaying job hunts, delaying getting our oldest in school, delaying the start of our permanant civilan lives for a treatment that may or may not make a huge difference. Tears just fall down my face because I don't know. I just don't know. I'm in over my head. I want to do what's best for him, but I also have the well being of 2 other kids and a husband who needs a career, to think about.
I feel trapped. No Date nights, no time away from the kids during the day. I desperately need those things and until now had them. It's best for ME as a mother to have that time. Here's the tricky thing; I don't trust anyone with Wesley. I don't trust anyone at the daycare. I don't trust babysitters. I don't trust them to know how to feed him, he uses a special feeder. I don't trust anyone to know what to do and not panic when formula comes out his nose and he starts to gurgle. I don't trust anyone to know how long to burp him because if you don't do it long enough he starts choking or spitting up. He can't lay flat like other babies. He can't sleep in any position besides a special one without being watched. For me and hubs it's second nature now but I don't trust anyone with him alone. I feel very very trapped. Like I have no way out. Like I have no escape. Ya, it'll get better, once he has some surgeries and is more like other babies, but until then.. 18 months from now.. What am I supposed to do. There's no way I could let myself leave him with someone.
I love him more than life itself. He's my little buddy. My everything. But any mother knows that being with three kids 24/7 will more than grate on your nerves. Especially one needing special attention. I'm his biggest care-taker at the moment. With Hubs working it's up to me. I do nighttime feeds and everyday, all day. All me.
I don't know the right steps to take. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle................ But right now I just don't know. Can my marriage handle this? Can my other kids handle this? Can I handle this?
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Happy One Week Birthday
To My Little Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a whirlwind week! I started the day grumpy and huge and by 6pm I was holding your sweet self!
Tuesday's 10
10 Things That Are Great About Not Being Pregnant
1. 30lbs lost in a week.. Only with certain illegal drugs can you get those kinds of results
2. I have a whole new bunch of clothing options again.
3. I don't grunt when I get off the couch
4. Red Bull......... bam!
5. I no longer want to strangle people for no reason............. I only want to strangle them if they do something dumb. Hubs is less concerned about me going to jail now.
6. No more heartburn
7. I can see my feet............ I need a pedi....... yikes
8. I no longer feel huge and sluggish and narwal-like
9. Hubs is loving that I'm a shape other than round. Although he did like the round..he also likes the hour glass sort of shape. He says it's like being with a new woman..
10. I get to hold my dough-y, sweet smelling newborn..which causes me to smell all dough-y and sweet smelling.. Newborn is one of the best smells.
1. 30lbs lost in a week.. Only with certain illegal drugs can you get those kinds of results
2. I have a whole new bunch of clothing options again.
3. I don't grunt when I get off the couch
4. Red Bull......... bam!
5. I no longer want to strangle people for no reason............. I only want to strangle them if they do something dumb. Hubs is less concerned about me going to jail now.
6. No more heartburn
7. I can see my feet............ I need a pedi....... yikes
8. I no longer feel huge and sluggish and narwal-like
9. Hubs is loving that I'm a shape other than round. Although he did like the round..he also likes the hour glass sort of shape. He says it's like being with a new woman..
10. I get to hold my dough-y, sweet smelling newborn..which causes me to smell all dough-y and sweet smelling.. Newborn is one of the best smells.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Holdin' On
Today's blog is hard to read. Hard for me to read and it's my story. It's not meant as a "woe is me" It's not meant for sympathy. There's no sympathy needed. Sometimes when you write, things have to be said though and this is one of them. I feel you all should know this story. Thank you to all my friends and family for your loving support the past week. You're acceptance and love towards us is overwhelming. This story isn't gramatically correct nor perfect but I felt it was important to write it as I felt it... Raw.
I was laying there, fresh from giving birth, and I heard that fateful sentence; "Mom and Dad, did the doctors ever say anything may be wrong with your baby, anything in the ultrasounds or tests" I obviously couldn't see him and he was facing away from my husband. "No" we said. "Everything is fine with him" I knew this wasn't a routine question asked........... And our world changed.
"He has a bit of a cleft lip and palate but that's completely fixable and he is perfectly healthy in every other way" and I looked over at my husband and I saw the terror in his eyes, the fear. He looked like he was about to faint, throw up, or cry..Maybe all 3....He looked grey. I haven't ever seen that look in his face and I instantly started crying. Saying over and over "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" sobbing. And then they lifted him on my chest. Nurses and midwives saying to me "he's beautiful, don't be sorry, it's not your fault, he's gorgeous and healthy and beautiful" I cried. They kept saying to me "It's not your fault! He's beautiful, He's gorgeous, You did so good mama" We saw his face. We held him. He was amazing. He was beautiful. In 30 seconds our lives changed. Everything we thought was different. They were cleaning him up...
"Is he okay?, How is he?" and alternating between sobbing and saying "I'm so sorry"
"He's fine momma, he's beautiful and healthy" They said
"He's a strong lil man. He's got beautiful brownish/red hair" my husband said
We loved him the moment we saw him. We wanted him before he was born and a small birth defect, if you even can call it that, cannot change that. He has no "defect". He's perfect. Made just how he was supposed to be. The shock was like being hit in the stomach with a metal pole. "Oh God, what are we going to do."
Whirlwind doesn't begin to describe it. Doctors, Baby nurses, Social workers, Therapists, feedings, special bottles, neonatologists. One after the other. In at all hours. Handing us papers and giving us information. I can't tell you how many times someone would come in and say "so and so came and talked to you, right?" and I would look at my husband and say "I don't know" I was in a fog.
I had nurses in every hour that first night. Helping me with feedings, asking if I needed anything. Trying to figure out the right combination of formula and bottle. My dream of breastfeeding him... gone. I tried and tried. It can't be done. I was told I can't keep trying and chance him losing too much weight. "We need him to eat and eat well, he needs to gain weight" I cried some more. I tried to hold in the tears. Tried to keep them at bay throughout everyone walking in and out... They had to come out at some point, didn't they? My husband needed me to be strong. My girls hadn't yet met their brother..I had to stay strong so I could explain to them. They'd have questions. I feared once I let the tears flow then they wouldn't stop. Ever. I had to be strong for everyone. The visitors at the hospital.. my mom. my family. Our friends.
He's in for so much pain in his little life. Surgeries, medicines, Doctors. I want to hide him away. Protect him. I'm not ashamed. My mothers heart wants to hide him from the world, hide him from any pain. Hide him from mean people.
One thing I know.... Everything happens for a reason. This happened for a reason. I can't help but ask why though. WHY?! Clefts are more common in American Indians.. is that why? Because I'm part Indian? It's more common in boys..is that why? They say it can be genetic... How can that be? Nobody in our family has it. They say very very rarely does it happen at random.. are we that "very very rare" case? I asked for days "What did I do?!" I'm the one that "grew" him. Clefts develope in the first 3-10 weeks of pregnancy. I thought back to then. What was going on then? I knew I was pregnant. Was I too stressed? Did I do too much? Fact is, we may never know. Can I be okay with that?
I spent much of the pregnancy wondering if I could love a little boy like I love my little girls. Would HE love me? Would I be important to him or would he just be all about his daddy? ............ Now I know the answer. That little boy has taken hold of my heart. I love that little boy with every piece of my heart. Lip, no lip. It doesn't matter. My heart is completely entertwined with him. His beautiful chubby cheeks, perfect for kissing. His baby smell, His beautiful soft hair, his long tiny fingers.
We have to take it day by day. Hour by hour at some points. So many things are unknown. So many things are scary. But we have to keep holdin' on.
Holdin on tight.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Not Pregnant Anymore!
Guess what boys and girls...I'm not pregnant anymore!! I was at the point where I was really starting to believe I would be, I also had convinced myself that my body just couldn't go into labor on its own, considering I had been induced twice before.
I woke up May 8th having some painful contractions but once I got up and around they stopped so I continued on in my life thinking it was another day of false labor and I refused to even get my hopes up. I was grumpy, huge, and exausted. I did my daily thing and just wasn't feeling any of it. I was just plain exausted. Around noon I noticed I was cramping fairly bad but refused to belive that it might be something. Noon was also when a storm front started moving in. I decided just for giggles to see whether I could time them...sure enough I could.. 10 mins apart. Still didn't believe anything was for real because my body had betrayed me before like this. I text hubs who was supposed to be on his way home for lunch and told him I was having contractions 10 mins apart but don't get excited. By the time he got home at 12:45 they were 5 mins. apart. ............ I was still in denial but Hubs got the okay to stay home the rest of the afternoon to "watch me" so I wasnt complaining.
From noon to 2pm they went from 10 mins apart to 2 mins apart. yaaaaaaaaaaa I still didn't think I was in labor.. Despite the fact that every time I stood up I got hit with a huge contraction. Around 2:30 after having one so bad I had tears in my eyes I decided we needed to go to the hospital. It'd be more embarassing to give birth on the highway than to get sent away from L&D again. So off we went, me having contractions every 2-3 minutes, to the hospital 30 minutes away.
We get there and the nurse asks me "so you think this is the real deal" I think she was feeling me out because it was really busy thanks to that nice storm front that had moved in. I told her either this was it or something was seriously wrong with me. We get back in the room and wadda ya know.. I'm 5cm.. I got to stay!!! Still thinking I was in for the long haul, I get all settled in my room and was joking with the nurses and was in a great mood..despite the contractions..and my pain wasn't even that bad. I'm telling you, there is a HUGE difference between Pitocin contractions and regular contractions.
By the time I got all the admin. stuff done and hooked up to an IV and all that jazz it was near 4. They monitor me and tell me they are going to break my water soon. I told them no because if they did that then the baby would come really soon because I deliver fast after my water is broken... They told me that was the point. ... Who knew.. ha
So around 5 they break my water and around 5:15 I'm begging for drugs, I was done playin around. I don't do epidurals. I don't do needles in my back. Sorry. So they gave me this crap medicine that made me feel like I had taken 50 shots of Tequila and did absolutely nothing for the pain. Just made me high as ..well.. you know what. I was mumbling about meatloaf and asking if I could take some of those drugs home (You can't, btw)
And then it happened.........10 mins later I looked at Hubs...my eyes got huge and said "this baby is coming..NOW!" Luckily the nurse was already in there and she checked me and goes "Okay then..let's have a baby".. and starts putting on gloves to deliver me and hollering for a doctor...... The baby was kinda crowning. Which is how all my babies have been born..despite the last 2 times with the stupid Pitocin. Takes me forever to get to 6cm but once I get to 6 I progress very rapidly and the baby is born within 15 minutes usually.
I pushed 5 times and at 6:04pm my little man was born! 7lbs 8oz and 19 inches long. No epidural.. and only that stupid crap medicine that did nothing besides make me so high I was feelin up the nurses boob while pushing (Not on purpose) It was the worst pain of my life. Of.. MY..LIFE.
Wesley was born with a cleft palate and cleft lip which was a huge surprise. None of our ultrasounds and testing had shown anything wrong. Other than that he is a beautiful, healthy boy. He loves to cuddle and is a great sleeper. We are having some issues with feeding as one would expect but we are in contact with some great therapists and plastic surgeons and he will be getting the best care.
He's amazing! I'm so in love. His unique face was a shock, yes. But, I am in no way ashamed of him and in no way disapointed by him. He's beautiful. God gave him to us for a reason. He's happy, healthy and there are surgeries and therapies to help him. It could be so so much worse and I know for many people it is. We are way beyond blessed. I feel really really well. Better than any of my other labors.
I had amazing midwives, amazing nurses, and amazing baby nursese who helped us all they could and advocated for us and made our stay amazing. I'm in the process now of trying to get used to 3 kids and healing. Along with trying to keep all of lil man's appointments straight. It's crazy busy and hectic lately. Besides the normal newborn busyness he has special formula and bottles and feedings take awhile. We're busy looking into insurances and special funding and programs to get him the help he needs.
So there you have it... You will NOT be pregnant forever.. I'm living proof.
Well, it's time for lil man's 10pm feeding and then I'm hoping I can crash.
I woke up May 8th having some painful contractions but once I got up and around they stopped so I continued on in my life thinking it was another day of false labor and I refused to even get my hopes up. I was grumpy, huge, and exausted. I did my daily thing and just wasn't feeling any of it. I was just plain exausted. Around noon I noticed I was cramping fairly bad but refused to belive that it might be something. Noon was also when a storm front started moving in. I decided just for giggles to see whether I could time them...sure enough I could.. 10 mins apart. Still didn't believe anything was for real because my body had betrayed me before like this. I text hubs who was supposed to be on his way home for lunch and told him I was having contractions 10 mins apart but don't get excited. By the time he got home at 12:45 they were 5 mins. apart. ............ I was still in denial but Hubs got the okay to stay home the rest of the afternoon to "watch me" so I wasnt complaining.
From noon to 2pm they went from 10 mins apart to 2 mins apart. yaaaaaaaaaaa I still didn't think I was in labor.. Despite the fact that every time I stood up I got hit with a huge contraction. Around 2:30 after having one so bad I had tears in my eyes I decided we needed to go to the hospital. It'd be more embarassing to give birth on the highway than to get sent away from L&D again. So off we went, me having contractions every 2-3 minutes, to the hospital 30 minutes away.
We get there and the nurse asks me "so you think this is the real deal" I think she was feeling me out because it was really busy thanks to that nice storm front that had moved in. I told her either this was it or something was seriously wrong with me. We get back in the room and wadda ya know.. I'm 5cm.. I got to stay!!! Still thinking I was in for the long haul, I get all settled in my room and was joking with the nurses and was in a great mood..despite the contractions..and my pain wasn't even that bad. I'm telling you, there is a HUGE difference between Pitocin contractions and regular contractions.
By the time I got all the admin. stuff done and hooked up to an IV and all that jazz it was near 4. They monitor me and tell me they are going to break my water soon. I told them no because if they did that then the baby would come really soon because I deliver fast after my water is broken... They told me that was the point. ... Who knew.. ha
So around 5 they break my water and around 5:15 I'm begging for drugs, I was done playin around. I don't do epidurals. I don't do needles in my back. Sorry. So they gave me this crap medicine that made me feel like I had taken 50 shots of Tequila and did absolutely nothing for the pain. Just made me high as ..well.. you know what. I was mumbling about meatloaf and asking if I could take some of those drugs home (You can't, btw)
And then it happened.........10 mins later I looked at Hubs...my eyes got huge and said "this baby is coming..NOW!" Luckily the nurse was already in there and she checked me and goes "Okay then..let's have a baby".. and starts putting on gloves to deliver me and hollering for a doctor...... The baby was kinda crowning. Which is how all my babies have been born..despite the last 2 times with the stupid Pitocin. Takes me forever to get to 6cm but once I get to 6 I progress very rapidly and the baby is born within 15 minutes usually.
I pushed 5 times and at 6:04pm my little man was born! 7lbs 8oz and 19 inches long. No epidural.. and only that stupid crap medicine that did nothing besides make me so high I was feelin up the nurses boob while pushing (Not on purpose) It was the worst pain of my life. Of.. MY..LIFE.
Wesley was born with a cleft palate and cleft lip which was a huge surprise. None of our ultrasounds and testing had shown anything wrong. Other than that he is a beautiful, healthy boy. He loves to cuddle and is a great sleeper. We are having some issues with feeding as one would expect but we are in contact with some great therapists and plastic surgeons and he will be getting the best care.
He's amazing! I'm so in love. His unique face was a shock, yes. But, I am in no way ashamed of him and in no way disapointed by him. He's beautiful. God gave him to us for a reason. He's happy, healthy and there are surgeries and therapies to help him. It could be so so much worse and I know for many people it is. We are way beyond blessed. I feel really really well. Better than any of my other labors.
I had amazing midwives, amazing nurses, and amazing baby nursese who helped us all they could and advocated for us and made our stay amazing. I'm in the process now of trying to get used to 3 kids and healing. Along with trying to keep all of lil man's appointments straight. It's crazy busy and hectic lately. Besides the normal newborn busyness he has special formula and bottles and feedings take awhile. We're busy looking into insurances and special funding and programs to get him the help he needs.
So there you have it... You will NOT be pregnant forever.. I'm living proof.
Well, it's time for lil man's 10pm feeding and then I'm hoping I can crash.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
"Burrito Watch 2012"
I'm pregnant... Still. I'm huge.. Still. I'm more pregnant than I've ever been in my life.. 39wks 3 days to be exact..so technically I haven't hit my due date but still... I'm huge, uncomfortable, not sleeping..you get the jist. Boy is doing good and is happy in there.. too happy if you ask me. I've started thinking maybe there isn't really a baby in there to begin with..Maybe it's just a burrito I forgot to digest. I just get this mommy feeling that he's happy and cuddly and loving being in mommy...Which wasn't in my plan. Couldn't we accomplish that after he's born?!
I've promised him a Mustang, a horse, and baseball cleats. His dad has had a stern talking with him.. nada. All my friends swear he's coming out soon...I don't know about that. My next doctor appointment is 3 days after my due date... Hubs swears I won't have to go to it........... I think I will..because, you know, it's a burrito in there. I can tell my body is very close to ready, I just feel like I need something to push it over the edge, I guess. The Dr says my body is making progress, ect, blah blah blah. And I can feel that progress..Nice contractions that get me thinking something is happening and then stop.
I've been drinking Red Raspberry Leaf tea like it's nobody's business. I've eaten enough pineapple to make my mouth raw.
I'm thinking about getting a baggy and putting oregano in it and having hubs shake it in front of my stomach and do an Indian dance.
I'm also counting on the Super Moon this weekend. Full moon is in a couple days and then Super Moon is Saturday.. That's gotta do something. I have more faith in the Super Moon than the Oregano though. I read one story where a woman went outside during the Super Moon and she rubbed her very pregnant stomach clockwise, facing the Super Moon, and her water broke.......... I'm thinking about giving it a go.
I've walked..and walked.. I've done stairs...
My mom is here on "Baby Watch 2012" ........... I hate to have to tell her that there IS no baby and that it's really "Burrito Watch 2012"
Maybe there will be no big build up.. 30 mins apart, 20 mins apart..ect.. Maybe it'll just be like, wake up at 2am and "WOWZA, 5 mins apart, we gotta GOOO"........ That's what I'm hoping for at least.
I'll be honest..I really have no faith that my body can have this baby alone. I was induced with both girls for medical reasons, so I've never seen my body do this before.
I now realize why people get so cranky when other people have their babies before them. I've heard stories of THREE people having their babies before me, who were due either after me or same time as me. I even saw the "skinny but pregnant bus stop lady" having contractions at the bus stop this morning and then wasn't there to pick up her son this afternoon... I swear, if she had her kid today......... I'm gonna have to start unfriending people on Facebook... Just kidding.. Kinda.
Anyone wanna start taking bets on when Mr. Man will show his face? I'll start the bets at $10 that he's NEVER coming out and it's really a burrito.
I've promised him a Mustang, a horse, and baseball cleats. His dad has had a stern talking with him.. nada. All my friends swear he's coming out soon...I don't know about that. My next doctor appointment is 3 days after my due date... Hubs swears I won't have to go to it........... I think I will..because, you know, it's a burrito in there. I can tell my body is very close to ready, I just feel like I need something to push it over the edge, I guess. The Dr says my body is making progress, ect, blah blah blah. And I can feel that progress..Nice contractions that get me thinking something is happening and then stop.
I've been drinking Red Raspberry Leaf tea like it's nobody's business. I've eaten enough pineapple to make my mouth raw.
I'm thinking about getting a baggy and putting oregano in it and having hubs shake it in front of my stomach and do an Indian dance.
I'm also counting on the Super Moon this weekend. Full moon is in a couple days and then Super Moon is Saturday.. That's gotta do something. I have more faith in the Super Moon than the Oregano though. I read one story where a woman went outside during the Super Moon and she rubbed her very pregnant stomach clockwise, facing the Super Moon, and her water broke.......... I'm thinking about giving it a go.
I've walked..and walked.. I've done stairs...
My mom is here on "Baby Watch 2012" ........... I hate to have to tell her that there IS no baby and that it's really "Burrito Watch 2012"
Maybe there will be no big build up.. 30 mins apart, 20 mins apart..ect.. Maybe it'll just be like, wake up at 2am and "WOWZA, 5 mins apart, we gotta GOOO"........ That's what I'm hoping for at least.
I'll be honest..I really have no faith that my body can have this baby alone. I was induced with both girls for medical reasons, so I've never seen my body do this before.
I now realize why people get so cranky when other people have their babies before them. I've heard stories of THREE people having their babies before me, who were due either after me or same time as me. I even saw the "skinny but pregnant bus stop lady" having contractions at the bus stop this morning and then wasn't there to pick up her son this afternoon... I swear, if she had her kid today......... I'm gonna have to start unfriending people on Facebook... Just kidding.. Kinda.
Anyone wanna start taking bets on when Mr. Man will show his face? I'll start the bets at $10 that he's NEVER coming out and it's really a burrito.
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